(no subject)
My eyes sting. A big issue with such a small living space is the lack of ventilation. My mom was frying something for dinner tonight and my eyes began to sting and there wasn't much I could do about it inside. So now I'm sitting on the balcony of our condo, I can smell cigarette smoke and hear the water falling from the mushroom in the pool. I'm wearing green shorts, a yellow cursive shirt, pink flip flops and a comfy, much too large BYU Cougar sweater. I have my Death Cab songs on shuffle (currently Expo '86). The wireless signal is much stronger out here. I might be spending more time outside now. :)
After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.
After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.
I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.
I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.
I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.
Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.
I only want to be better.
After all the complications of sending in my final portion of the BYU application, I have been readmitted and will be going back in January. By some miracle, my friend that I was planning on rooming with for this Fall semester has an empty room in her current apartment. I called the apartment complex today and filled out an application. They said I should be able to room with her, no problem. I am very excited.
After I'd read that I'd been readmitted, I told my parents. My father said congratulations and good job while my mother proceeded to jump up and down very excitedly and wake everyone else up in the condo (it was about 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning). She asked me if I was excited since I appeared to be showing no real excitement whatsoever which is how I tend to react to a lot of things that would cause others to jump up and down. (It's one reason why surprise parties aren't the best things for me. I don't get that excited about them and others can see that and they're disappointed and everyone's sad. Or I feign excitement and feel really awkward.) While I am excited to be moving away and on my own again, I'm not sure I can say I'm really "excited" about BYU. I'm incredibly grateful to be going back. And perhaps my feelings of excitement are merely blanketed by my intense gratitude.
I took forgranted my experience at BYU the first time around. I did not try hard at all. I didn't want to be there to begin with. When I realized I probably couldn't go back, I had more feelings of loss and confusion than I could comprehend. Since learning of my readmission to the university, I've found myself holding back tears of gratitude each time I've thought about BYU. I couldn't believe they readmitted me. Me! A girl they'd given a scholarship to who didn't attend most of her Church meetings, who barely pulled off a 3.0 GPA fall semester, then dropped all of her classes winter semester, then dropped all of her classes again spring term before actually being dismissed from the university. Can you imagine the amazement I experienced at reading my application status: "Winter 2009: Admitted"? A single word relieving all of my fears and doubts, answering all of my questions about my near future, freeing my mind of anxiety, providing that evidence I so earnestly sought, the evidence that I was doing something right, that my efforts were making a difference. Wow.
I'd read a quote somewhere, I'm pretty sure it was by Neal A. Maxwell, that went along the lines of this: "We should surrender our wills to our Savior, not out of fear, but out of immense gratitude for the sacrifice He made for us." How very true! If we understood just a tiny bit of what the Atonement means, of what our Savior did for us, there is no way we wouldn't be trying our best to follow the commandments.
I don't quite know how to repay my Savior and Heavenly Father for this second chance I have at Brigham Young University except to study hard, involve myself, and stick to the Honor Code while doing my best to reach out to others who might need me. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I think I'm actually in a position to do that now. Before I was so incredibly selfish, so self-centered, so unaware of those around me who could've used my friendship. I pray that I can be a better person this time around.
Yesterday at Church after Sacrament meeting, I went up to Bishop and gave him a hug. I then told him I was readmitted to BYU. He pulled me into another hug. It's nice to know how much he cares about me. This whole process helped me realize just how much our leaders truly care about us. I told Brother Nance about it as well. He gave me a nice big hug (I love his hugs) and then got a little choked up as he told me thank you and that I have been such a good example for him. Me? An example for the first counselor in the bishopric? I love Brother Nance. He's been like another father to me. He was the first bishop I can remember having. He and Sister Nance have always been there for my family, always been there for me. To think that he'd consider me an example, is overwhelming. These people that I look up to, some of them look up to me too. It only makes me want to be better.
I only want to be better.