(no subject)
My social anxiety is what I'd like to describe as the supreme hindrance to my emotional well-being. Although I suppose my social anxiety is caused by my pathetic emotional well-being. What a sucky predicament.
I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.
I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.
It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.
I know I should interact and make new friends. I try to be outgoing and friendly, and occasionally I succeed. But most of the time, I withdraw. I hide. I runaway. And it's really unfortunate. I feel left out because I haven't made any friends when it's my own fault that I avoided the activities that would allow me to meet people.
I can deal with medium-sized groups if I am familiar with the people or have someone there in the group that I know very personally. I cannot deal with large groups. Whatsoever. Anxiety attacks will run rampant. I will feel my stomach tie itself into ever tightening coils. I will be absolutely silent. And then I will make my escape. Quickly disappear when no one is looking. And most of the time, no one even notices I left, chiefly because they didn't really know I was there to begin with. The fact that I can seriously go that unnoticed for the majority of the time that I am with large groups of people in a friendly social setting, depresses me, quite a bit.
It is clear to me that I am not the only guest at the party. The only girl invited. The belle of the ball. Or even just someone that others actually wanted at their event. I know I am not the center of the universe, or the world, or even this little apartment of two. But I feel so minuscule and unimportant. And it hurts me. It truly tears me apart.
I want to sleep. I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep. And yet, I still feel my heart racing from when I left the game downstairs this evening. I still feel my stomach continually folding into itself. It's maddening and bothersome. It's emotionally deafening. I can only hear this anxiety. All other emotions are absolutely silent.