(no subject)
In all honesty, I never thought I'd see my high school graduation. I was sure I would die before I reached that marker in life. I didn't believe there was much to live for back then.
Now I'm at BYU and I wonder if I will reach my college graduation. I have no desire to kill myself. I'm not suicidal by any means right now. It just seems like such a far-off thing. I push myself each day to do the small tasks that I do. I cannot see myself having the ability, knowledge, strength, and perseverance necessary to obtain a college degree. I see advertisements around campus, reminding seniors to order their caps and gowns and I feel jealous. Will I ever have what it takes to be the kind of person I want to be? I fear I'm too lazy to accomplish the things I want to. I'm worried that I will never have the confidence in myself that I need to graduate from college, to go on to graduate school, to become a therapist. I'm afraid I won't have the skills necessary to become an art therapist. My talent can only take me so far. I think my talent has taken me as far as it can. Now I need to develop skills. I'm too afraid to though. I'm worried that the effort I put forth won't be enough to do what I want. I'm worried I'm going to try my hardest and still fail. So I don't try hard at all. When I come up short, sure, I'm disappointed but I can blame that on not trying hard enough. If I tried and still came up short, then I know it is myself that isn't good enough, not my effort. And that knowledge will rip me apart.
Instead I will float right on the surface. I will not drown but I will not fly either. Instead I will keep treading water until even mediocrity becomes too difficult, in which case I will slowly sink.
Now I'm at BYU and I wonder if I will reach my college graduation. I have no desire to kill myself. I'm not suicidal by any means right now. It just seems like such a far-off thing. I push myself each day to do the small tasks that I do. I cannot see myself having the ability, knowledge, strength, and perseverance necessary to obtain a college degree. I see advertisements around campus, reminding seniors to order their caps and gowns and I feel jealous. Will I ever have what it takes to be the kind of person I want to be? I fear I'm too lazy to accomplish the things I want to. I'm worried that I will never have the confidence in myself that I need to graduate from college, to go on to graduate school, to become a therapist. I'm afraid I won't have the skills necessary to become an art therapist. My talent can only take me so far. I think my talent has taken me as far as it can. Now I need to develop skills. I'm too afraid to though. I'm worried that the effort I put forth won't be enough to do what I want. I'm worried I'm going to try my hardest and still fail. So I don't try hard at all. When I come up short, sure, I'm disappointed but I can blame that on not trying hard enough. If I tried and still came up short, then I know it is myself that isn't good enough, not my effort. And that knowledge will rip me apart.
Instead I will float right on the surface. I will not drown but I will not fly either. Instead I will keep treading water until even mediocrity becomes too difficult, in which case I will slowly sink.