(no subject)
The only times I feel magnificent anymore are when I'm on my ambien and wandering around the streets of Provo in the middle of the night. The only time I want to live is when I'm on some stupid sedating drug.
How pathetic.
I miss the warmth during the Texas autumn. I miss the sound of the waves crashing on the beach with my windows rolled down on my way to school. I miss ArtWalks and overpriced movie tickets. I miss driving to the homes of strangers and invading. The world was ours to conquer. And I swore we could do it.
In general, I despised high school. But there were just some things I wish I could go back to. Random little things. I wish I could go back to climbing up to Mr. Scarbrough's room in the winter before school started where I'd sit by a window and watch for people coming and going. The chill air pervaded the second floor, freezing my butt off as I walked from room to room.
When I'm feeling like this I begin to think I'm back home. I remember asking for my dad the other night and remembering I'm a freaking idiot and he's not here and he won't be here. I'm on my own now. There's no one guarding that front door. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. And he's not dictating it to me. I need some sleep. I need some grandeur. I need a field trip to Northwest. I'll go camping in Oregon. Stay like that for the rest of my life.
I don't need anyone but myself. NO ONE BUT ME.
sometimes i just wonder who "me" is.