This is from Saturday and then some...
April 17, 2004
This entry is dedicated to Maria. Thank you for the long talk today, I got a lot from it.
Early on in our conversation we were talking about relationships. She mentioned how people told her that she could "do better" than her boyfriend now, and I'm sure plenty of people have heard that before, including myself. I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car while Jason drove so I could stay on the phone and talk to Maria. It then came to me that if you are truly happy with what you have, or should I say, who you are with then the phrase "you can do better" is null and void. How can a person possibly do any better than true happiness? That's how I see things, especially with my relationship with Jason. Sure, we have our fights, we are no where near perfect, but there's something there between us; he can fill the emptiness within me and somehow we complete each other. Yes... some of this may sound like complete and utter bullshit, take it whatever way you will, but for real, this is how it feels with Jason and I. Anyways.
Another subject that came up was school. I am not, by any means, the best student. I am a coaster, I coast through school doing just enough to get me by. I had to fight a lot of doubts this semester, mostly self-doubt. In some of my worst moments I look towards my friends for advice. Brittany for example... she tells me I'm better than a community college, she tells me to suck it up and deal with college because, yes, it's going to be hard but if I want to be successful then damn it I have to work hard for it. No, that's not how it always is. Brittany stands for a lot of things, I admire her so much for standing up for her beliefs and feeling so passionate about certain issues, but as I talked to Maria today I come to find out that Brittany is not all she seems to be. I wish we had kept in contact more throughout this first year of college, but we didn't. Unfortunately, because we did not keep in contact there is a lot about her that I do not know about. She can stand up to anything and now she needs to learn to stand up to her biggest bullies - her parents. I just got to understand another side of one of my dear friends today and again I have to thank Maria for giving me the insight, hopefully Brit won't be mad.
As for me, all I have to say to my friends and anyone else for that matter is I know what's best for me so give me a little fucking credit, because I have come so far to be who I am now. Coming out of my relationship with Rob I realized a lot of things about a person's character and their integrity. Maybe you can say I built myself a protective shell. That may in fact be true, for example, I have recently learned I really don't like be in crowded spaces; i.e. clubs, overly crowded movie theaters on Friday nights, etc. The point is, it wasn't just Rob but for a good 3 years of my life in high school I learned a lot about myself and about people in general; I did a lot of growing up starting at the age of 13 and it wasn't until my first serious boyfriend that I began to discover what kind of person I am and who I want to turn into. I'm almost 19 and personally, I KNOW I have come a long way since high school, since my last relationship, since all the drugs... I can now truly appreciate the people who love and care for me, I can appreciate the person I have become, my only mission now is to appreciate my accomplishments, appreciate my body and maybe, just maybe, one day I can truly reach that level of happiness; my version of enlightenment setting a path towards nirvana.
Whatever happens though I know that Jason is someone I want to share every secret with, I want to share every joke with so we can laugh together, I want to wake up next to him every morning, I want to have everything with him but not necessarily have 'everything' materialistically. Honestly I think I have found my other half, my soul mate, whatever you want to call it. I want to have a family, a career, all as long as I can have him. The best part about all this is knowing exactly how he feels, knowing how willing he is to give the world to me even if he can't. But the thing I like the most about him is that he can openly talk to me about how he feels, either when we fight or when we're just having a moment together he can tell me everything on his mind. That is yet another task for me to accomplish - one day I will be able to break down every defensive wall I have up and I will be able to say every thought, express every feeling to him without self-doubt. Until he will have to deal with my barriers, no worries, he already does well dealing with me. I love him for loving me, my one and only.
Ok, I need to go do something, I'm getting too mushy... time to hit the b-b-b-b-b-b-ong!!!
**********
Yesterday was scooby's birthday! Yeah!!!
We didn't get to do much because none of us had money and we couldn't find anything to do. We drove up GW parkway and went to a random park. We sat on a log next to the river and threw rocks into a plastic bottle then tried to skip stones, which was hard because there was waves coming towards us... yeah... we were extrememly bored.
Anyways. I need to decide if I'm going to take Chinese during the summer because class starts the same time that I'll be down in Orange county house-sitting. That was supposed to be my vacation. I don't know.
We took some pictures, I will have to put them up later.
My little adventure for the day:
This morning I got bit by some bug, good lord the thing was huge it looked like a beetle or something of the sort. I killed it, or so I thought, and threw it away in the trash can. Well some odd hours later while I was on the computer I heard it buzzing and looked over and saw it starting to move about in the trash. I freaked out, convinced the bug was possessed and took the trash out to garbage can outside. That ought to get rid of it... or so I hope.
Time to go, I need to rest my head, I don't know if it's a headache or from my allergies.
Peace.
This entry is dedicated to Maria. Thank you for the long talk today, I got a lot from it.
Early on in our conversation we were talking about relationships. She mentioned how people told her that she could "do better" than her boyfriend now, and I'm sure plenty of people have heard that before, including myself. I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car while Jason drove so I could stay on the phone and talk to Maria. It then came to me that if you are truly happy with what you have, or should I say, who you are with then the phrase "you can do better" is null and void. How can a person possibly do any better than true happiness? That's how I see things, especially with my relationship with Jason. Sure, we have our fights, we are no where near perfect, but there's something there between us; he can fill the emptiness within me and somehow we complete each other. Yes... some of this may sound like complete and utter bullshit, take it whatever way you will, but for real, this is how it feels with Jason and I. Anyways.
Another subject that came up was school. I am not, by any means, the best student. I am a coaster, I coast through school doing just enough to get me by. I had to fight a lot of doubts this semester, mostly self-doubt. In some of my worst moments I look towards my friends for advice. Brittany for example... she tells me I'm better than a community college, she tells me to suck it up and deal with college because, yes, it's going to be hard but if I want to be successful then damn it I have to work hard for it. No, that's not how it always is. Brittany stands for a lot of things, I admire her so much for standing up for her beliefs and feeling so passionate about certain issues, but as I talked to Maria today I come to find out that Brittany is not all she seems to be. I wish we had kept in contact more throughout this first year of college, but we didn't. Unfortunately, because we did not keep in contact there is a lot about her that I do not know about. She can stand up to anything and now she needs to learn to stand up to her biggest bullies - her parents. I just got to understand another side of one of my dear friends today and again I have to thank Maria for giving me the insight, hopefully Brit won't be mad.
As for me, all I have to say to my friends and anyone else for that matter is I know what's best for me so give me a little fucking credit, because I have come so far to be who I am now. Coming out of my relationship with Rob I realized a lot of things about a person's character and their integrity. Maybe you can say I built myself a protective shell. That may in fact be true, for example, I have recently learned I really don't like be in crowded spaces; i.e. clubs, overly crowded movie theaters on Friday nights, etc. The point is, it wasn't just Rob but for a good 3 years of my life in high school I learned a lot about myself and about people in general; I did a lot of growing up starting at the age of 13 and it wasn't until my first serious boyfriend that I began to discover what kind of person I am and who I want to turn into. I'm almost 19 and personally, I KNOW I have come a long way since high school, since my last relationship, since all the drugs... I can now truly appreciate the people who love and care for me, I can appreciate the person I have become, my only mission now is to appreciate my accomplishments, appreciate my body and maybe, just maybe, one day I can truly reach that level of happiness; my version of enlightenment setting a path towards nirvana.
Whatever happens though I know that Jason is someone I want to share every secret with, I want to share every joke with so we can laugh together, I want to wake up next to him every morning, I want to have everything with him but not necessarily have 'everything' materialistically. Honestly I think I have found my other half, my soul mate, whatever you want to call it. I want to have a family, a career, all as long as I can have him. The best part about all this is knowing exactly how he feels, knowing how willing he is to give the world to me even if he can't. But the thing I like the most about him is that he can openly talk to me about how he feels, either when we fight or when we're just having a moment together he can tell me everything on his mind. That is yet another task for me to accomplish - one day I will be able to break down every defensive wall I have up and I will be able to say every thought, express every feeling to him without self-doubt. Until he will have to deal with my barriers, no worries, he already does well dealing with me. I love him for loving me, my one and only.
Ok, I need to go do something, I'm getting too mushy... time to hit the b-b-b-b-b-b-ong!!!
**********
Yesterday was scooby's birthday! Yeah!!!
We didn't get to do much because none of us had money and we couldn't find anything to do. We drove up GW parkway and went to a random park. We sat on a log next to the river and threw rocks into a plastic bottle then tried to skip stones, which was hard because there was waves coming towards us... yeah... we were extrememly bored.
Anyways. I need to decide if I'm going to take Chinese during the summer because class starts the same time that I'll be down in Orange county house-sitting. That was supposed to be my vacation. I don't know.
We took some pictures, I will have to put them up later.
My little adventure for the day:
This morning I got bit by some bug, good lord the thing was huge it looked like a beetle or something of the sort. I killed it, or so I thought, and threw it away in the trash can. Well some odd hours later while I was on the computer I heard it buzzing and looked over and saw it starting to move about in the trash. I freaked out, convinced the bug was possessed and took the trash out to garbage can outside. That ought to get rid of it... or so I hope.
Time to go, I need to rest my head, I don't know if it's a headache or from my allergies.
Peace.