And I go on as you get colder
Hmmmm I feel like garbage. Ah, what an uplifting post to break a good period of silence on the livejournal, huh? Ah, but I do feel pretty bad tonight. Maybe I shouldn't have gone out.
I'm just having one of those Men's Premenstrual Periods without the Menstration and All the Hormones. Well, that and I'm tired, irritable... all that stuff. There were a few things that irked me into not having an awesome time up at Collin's, which unfortunately was due to me being all whiney and stuff (internally, I didn't exactly talk much). For one thing, I don't like alcohol, and I really don't feel comfortable when everyone else is drinking and I can't. I don't know why, it just really bothers me. I'm not jealous, since I know it's better for my health, but at the same time I don't feel accepted. Like ever. Also, JP was there, and he and I have never really gotten along all that well. He was just saying harmless things and I kept taking it like he was bragging. Then the alcohol was making interaction with Collin and JP awkward (plus my alcohol-based irritability), and of course, I was getting tired. I also didn't feel like watching stuff after a movie and two episodes of How I Met Your Mother (still good series anyway), but continued to watch like, four more before I told Abby I wanted to go. I guess I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin the night at all.
Another major factor in me being all bummed out is that I'm a nothing. Like, I've got all these good intentions, I'm an award-winning RA, and I really don't mind working for money, but it seems that no one wants to hire me. The whole Wal-Mart failing me in the pre-assessment test really pushed me over the edge, and at this point I have no fukken idea what I want to do with my life and career. Our family's hitting some financial troubles, Allan's moving in, and I mostly vegetate while places reject me or don't even have the courtesy to say they don't want to hire me (yeah, fuck you, Family Video). Like right now I wish I had a job to at least give Dad some money so he wouldn't have to worry about bills and things and... fukken shit, I just feel absolutely worthless.
The nice thing is that I'm not concerned about a relationship. Any more of that nonsense and I'll probably turn suicidal again. I'm just not happy with myself, and unfortunately that was one of the main concerns when I went to my counselor at Monmouth. The only thing I can really do at this point is try to stay positive, and help make these next few days fun for Abby--as she will be moving up to Iowa on Saturday. I mean, if I can't feel good from myself, I can at least feel good by entertaining others.
Recently I've gotten sort of addicted to the Goo Goo Dolls' song Black Balloon. Yeah, it's like 10 years too late, but it makes me feel a whole rush of emotions. It's one of those songs I'd make into visual art had I the confidence and determination.
I'm just having one of those Men's Premenstrual Periods without the Menstration and All the Hormones. Well, that and I'm tired, irritable... all that stuff. There were a few things that irked me into not having an awesome time up at Collin's, which unfortunately was due to me being all whiney and stuff (internally, I didn't exactly talk much). For one thing, I don't like alcohol, and I really don't feel comfortable when everyone else is drinking and I can't. I don't know why, it just really bothers me. I'm not jealous, since I know it's better for my health, but at the same time I don't feel accepted. Like ever. Also, JP was there, and he and I have never really gotten along all that well. He was just saying harmless things and I kept taking it like he was bragging. Then the alcohol was making interaction with Collin and JP awkward (plus my alcohol-based irritability), and of course, I was getting tired. I also didn't feel like watching stuff after a movie and two episodes of How I Met Your Mother (still good series anyway), but continued to watch like, four more before I told Abby I wanted to go. I guess I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin the night at all.
Another major factor in me being all bummed out is that I'm a nothing. Like, I've got all these good intentions, I'm an award-winning RA, and I really don't mind working for money, but it seems that no one wants to hire me. The whole Wal-Mart failing me in the pre-assessment test really pushed me over the edge, and at this point I have no fukken idea what I want to do with my life and career. Our family's hitting some financial troubles, Allan's moving in, and I mostly vegetate while places reject me or don't even have the courtesy to say they don't want to hire me (yeah, fuck you, Family Video). Like right now I wish I had a job to at least give Dad some money so he wouldn't have to worry about bills and things and... fukken shit, I just feel absolutely worthless.
The nice thing is that I'm not concerned about a relationship. Any more of that nonsense and I'll probably turn suicidal again. I'm just not happy with myself, and unfortunately that was one of the main concerns when I went to my counselor at Monmouth. The only thing I can really do at this point is try to stay positive, and help make these next few days fun for Abby--as she will be moving up to Iowa on Saturday. I mean, if I can't feel good from myself, I can at least feel good by entertaining others.
Recently I've gotten sort of addicted to the Goo Goo Dolls' song Black Balloon. Yeah, it's like 10 years too late, but it makes me feel a whole rush of emotions. It's one of those songs I'd make into visual art had I the confidence and determination.