In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
I don't know if I'm tired or if I'm actually sad. It's a strange feeling. I'm halfway thoughtful, but very much out of it. Ah, I dunno. It's a strange feeling.
I'm actually graduating. I knew the feeling would come to hit me, but I think tonight made me realize just how little time I had left here at Monmouth. I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to, see the things I wanted to see, and all that jazz. I tied up loose ends, though, and that's nice. I mean, the major stuff, I think finally came to a close in some manner. Alicia and I talked about art a bit, and what the future looked like for MC. We also talked of some great times.
Well, I think a part of my sadness is because I watched "The Wrestler", a movie by Darren Aronovsky, who I think also did Pi and Requiem for a Dream (I could just look at my dvd collection, but I'm lazy). That's a wonderful movie, even though it's rather slow and dramatic. I guess I'm a sucker for movies about parents trying to redeem themselves. I dunno why. Maybe it's because I take so much pride in my own parents, mixed with my tendency to want to help others and see them succeed; so basically I like these stories/movies because I'm always rooting for the best outcome. Well, there's a reason why this movie's sad and dramatic. There really is no happy ending. It's literally a last hoorah. And honestly I think this movie was appropriate for me to watch on my last night on campus. It's how I feel, really. In 3 hours, I'm going to go out for a morning walk and watch the sunrise in various parts of the campus. It'll be real nice, but cold, but so worth it. It'll be my last hoorah before the credits roll.
There's no review for the movie right now, btw. I'm not exactly in the right mood to make an effective review. Not that anyone cares about that.
I'm thinking about my four years here at MC. I've met some incredible people, and yet had so few significant times. I dunno, my experiences have been a mixture of positives and negatives. Since I could never drink--due to morals, a role model occupation, and an allergy--I never really experienced that "college" experience. I know I'm not missing out, but you know standing at the wall at the bar... it kind of made me feel left out. Everyone's having their own last hoorahs and final rounds from Monmouth and I was just the Designated Driver. I didn't have that loss of inhibitions that they did, and I didn't feel the need to get my groove on in that drunken tangle of the dance floor. I felt so out of place, being one of the only persons to not drink a thing. And that bothered me. It made me realize that I never really did anything interesting as far as college experiences go... Yeah, I mean I'm proud of the nerd moments and the fun geeky times I had, but they weren't exceptional.
Now I understand what you'll probably say. You'll probably tell me that each person's significant experiences are significant to them for a reason, and that I shouldn't compare my own fond memories with another's. It's true, but it still makes me feel like I left something out in my life here. Oh well, can't help it now, right?
I've met some great people here, from roommates, to bosses, to colleagues, classmates, professors, staff and faculty... everyone. I mean a lot of the students didn't know who I was or what I was like personality-wise, but those who did come to know me... well they know me. They'll recognize me sometime down the road and remember me for something. Maybe it was an improv performance, or that one karaoke song Neil and I did, or maybe it's stopping in and talking to the secretaries whenever I could (and talking about a lot of nothing, really). Maybe it's doing my job and liking it, taking it seriously, or perhaps it's genuinely wanting progress in my studies. Maybe it was my newfound appreciation for a new topic, or my organizational/leadership accomplishments. I just have this feeling that I've done so much and yet there's so much more for me to do here. And even though I wasn't the guy that everyone knew, I was one of the guys that made things better behind the scenes.
I started something here. I mean it could be that monthly dog wash program that'll continue in the years to come. It could be that I set the standard for RAs and HRs as far as performance. Maybe it's that I've helped pass on a legacy of humor and improv acting, or maybe I've inspired someone to look a little deeper into their artwork and really know how to talk about it. I'm glad to go, but I'm not. I mean, after all this time of me not caring about what I did, I just now realized how much good I actually did for the community; similarly, I've realized how much more I could do.
I'll need some time to think about it. Which is why I'm going for a walk in roughly 3 hours. Then I'm coming back, packing, and getting ready to finally leave here.
I feel alone. I feel old. But most overpowering of all, I feel accomplished.
I'm actually graduating. I knew the feeling would come to hit me, but I think tonight made me realize just how little time I had left here at Monmouth. I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to, see the things I wanted to see, and all that jazz. I tied up loose ends, though, and that's nice. I mean, the major stuff, I think finally came to a close in some manner. Alicia and I talked about art a bit, and what the future looked like for MC. We also talked of some great times.
Well, I think a part of my sadness is because I watched "The Wrestler", a movie by Darren Aronovsky, who I think also did Pi and Requiem for a Dream (I could just look at my dvd collection, but I'm lazy). That's a wonderful movie, even though it's rather slow and dramatic. I guess I'm a sucker for movies about parents trying to redeem themselves. I dunno why. Maybe it's because I take so much pride in my own parents, mixed with my tendency to want to help others and see them succeed; so basically I like these stories/movies because I'm always rooting for the best outcome. Well, there's a reason why this movie's sad and dramatic. There really is no happy ending. It's literally a last hoorah. And honestly I think this movie was appropriate for me to watch on my last night on campus. It's how I feel, really. In 3 hours, I'm going to go out for a morning walk and watch the sunrise in various parts of the campus. It'll be real nice, but cold, but so worth it. It'll be my last hoorah before the credits roll.
There's no review for the movie right now, btw. I'm not exactly in the right mood to make an effective review. Not that anyone cares about that.
I'm thinking about my four years here at MC. I've met some incredible people, and yet had so few significant times. I dunno, my experiences have been a mixture of positives and negatives. Since I could never drink--due to morals, a role model occupation, and an allergy--I never really experienced that "college" experience. I know I'm not missing out, but you know standing at the wall at the bar... it kind of made me feel left out. Everyone's having their own last hoorahs and final rounds from Monmouth and I was just the Designated Driver. I didn't have that loss of inhibitions that they did, and I didn't feel the need to get my groove on in that drunken tangle of the dance floor. I felt so out of place, being one of the only persons to not drink a thing. And that bothered me. It made me realize that I never really did anything interesting as far as college experiences go... Yeah, I mean I'm proud of the nerd moments and the fun geeky times I had, but they weren't exceptional.
Now I understand what you'll probably say. You'll probably tell me that each person's significant experiences are significant to them for a reason, and that I shouldn't compare my own fond memories with another's. It's true, but it still makes me feel like I left something out in my life here. Oh well, can't help it now, right?
I've met some great people here, from roommates, to bosses, to colleagues, classmates, professors, staff and faculty... everyone. I mean a lot of the students didn't know who I was or what I was like personality-wise, but those who did come to know me... well they know me. They'll recognize me sometime down the road and remember me for something. Maybe it was an improv performance, or that one karaoke song Neil and I did, or maybe it's stopping in and talking to the secretaries whenever I could (and talking about a lot of nothing, really). Maybe it's doing my job and liking it, taking it seriously, or perhaps it's genuinely wanting progress in my studies. Maybe it was my newfound appreciation for a new topic, or my organizational/leadership accomplishments. I just have this feeling that I've done so much and yet there's so much more for me to do here. And even though I wasn't the guy that everyone knew, I was one of the guys that made things better behind the scenes.
I started something here. I mean it could be that monthly dog wash program that'll continue in the years to come. It could be that I set the standard for RAs and HRs as far as performance. Maybe it's that I've helped pass on a legacy of humor and improv acting, or maybe I've inspired someone to look a little deeper into their artwork and really know how to talk about it. I'm glad to go, but I'm not. I mean, after all this time of me not caring about what I did, I just now realized how much good I actually did for the community; similarly, I've realized how much more I could do.
I'll need some time to think about it. Which is why I'm going for a walk in roughly 3 hours. Then I'm coming back, packing, and getting ready to finally leave here.
I feel alone. I feel old. But most overpowering of all, I feel accomplished.