Hello!
If it's past 2am, I have a fear of going to sleep. (well, if I hafta do something in the morning...)
So... I guess I'm staying up all night. I'm disappointed that Brad got tired, but we finished all the FMA episodes, and he only hasta see the movie now, so I'm excited and I'm gonna wake him up at 6:30 to watch it. XD I just hope he'll be able to finish watching it before he hasta leave my place to go to work for 10am... (it takes a while to get there from my place)
So... right now, I'm doing absolutely nothing. I'm hiding in my room with my cat with the light ON, high on caffeine, and probably gonna get a migraine from both the caffeine and the light. Ok, well, I'm not doing NOTHING.... I'm thinking. Sorta. Kinda feel like drawing, but I have no paper to draw on. I ran out of printer paper somehow. Huh... oh! You wanna hear about what I was thinking about? OK. I was thinking about how weird it is that I exist. Do you ever get that feeling? Just sit back... and imagine. Imagine what it'd be like if something else happened in your mother or father's life, and they conceived anywhere from a second to a few days earlier or later than they did when they conceived you... or imagine if it was another sperm that got into the egg. Really... would it be you? No... or maybe it doesn't matter, and your soul would be in whatever child they were gonna have in the span of that certain hour, perhaps. When you sit and think... you're there... you're existing... and there's a world around you. You don't know what it's like to be someone else, you don't know what other people would be thinking about, or if their thoughts ever cross this agenda. What happens when you die? You... the you you feel, the you that has an entire world around you, with people that are OTHER yous with entirely different worlds, seeing the world from their point of view instead of yours... when you die, are you absolutely gone? Just... disappearing from existance... or do souls really exist? Does the existance of "you" transfer into an unborn being, to be born again and see things through your eyes...? It's terrifying to think about it, isn't it? The existance of you disappearing... like, when someone dies, the body they inhabited is still there, but... the person themself is not anymore. Gone... completely gone...
This is why I'm depressed. I'm not so much scared of death as I am scared of completely not existing anymore. And it's not like, "oh, if you make a clone of yourself, that's you, too, and you'll keep on living" type of thing... because it's not ME... I'M not in that body, seeing through that body's eyes. When I die, I'm gone. GONE. Gone for good? I... won't know until I really disappear, and then it's too late. There's really no point in life if you're just gonna completely disappear.
I shouldn't be allowed to think. This is what happens.
Oh god, I am so bored...
So... I guess I'm staying up all night. I'm disappointed that Brad got tired, but we finished all the FMA episodes, and he only hasta see the movie now, so I'm excited and I'm gonna wake him up at 6:30 to watch it. XD I just hope he'll be able to finish watching it before he hasta leave my place to go to work for 10am... (it takes a while to get there from my place)
So... right now, I'm doing absolutely nothing. I'm hiding in my room with my cat with the light ON, high on caffeine, and probably gonna get a migraine from both the caffeine and the light. Ok, well, I'm not doing NOTHING.... I'm thinking. Sorta. Kinda feel like drawing, but I have no paper to draw on. I ran out of printer paper somehow. Huh... oh! You wanna hear about what I was thinking about? OK. I was thinking about how weird it is that I exist. Do you ever get that feeling? Just sit back... and imagine. Imagine what it'd be like if something else happened in your mother or father's life, and they conceived anywhere from a second to a few days earlier or later than they did when they conceived you... or imagine if it was another sperm that got into the egg. Really... would it be you? No... or maybe it doesn't matter, and your soul would be in whatever child they were gonna have in the span of that certain hour, perhaps. When you sit and think... you're there... you're existing... and there's a world around you. You don't know what it's like to be someone else, you don't know what other people would be thinking about, or if their thoughts ever cross this agenda. What happens when you die? You... the you you feel, the you that has an entire world around you, with people that are OTHER yous with entirely different worlds, seeing the world from their point of view instead of yours... when you die, are you absolutely gone? Just... disappearing from existance... or do souls really exist? Does the existance of "you" transfer into an unborn being, to be born again and see things through your eyes...? It's terrifying to think about it, isn't it? The existance of you disappearing... like, when someone dies, the body they inhabited is still there, but... the person themself is not anymore. Gone... completely gone...
This is why I'm depressed. I'm not so much scared of death as I am scared of completely not existing anymore. And it's not like, "oh, if you make a clone of yourself, that's you, too, and you'll keep on living" type of thing... because it's not ME... I'M not in that body, seeing through that body's eyes. When I die, I'm gone. GONE. Gone for good? I... won't know until I really disappear, and then it's too late. There's really no point in life if you're just gonna completely disappear.
I shouldn't be allowed to think. This is what happens.
Oh god, I am so bored...