Happy 2005!!!
Okay, I know I said I wouldn't write in here anymore but I wanted to and I feel I have every right to. So, there!!!
Alot has happened to me in the past year, so many things have changed. So, many feelings and emotions that it just seemed to be way too much for me in one year. I'm in a totally different position now than I was last year at this time...
It all started with Rich moving out on me in the middle of 2003, and then a friend/co-worker (at the time moved in). Everyone told me I would regret this decision I made by having her move in but I was unfortunately too gullible to believe them. I was a person that never gave up on people but lately... Even with Rich, he told me he would work on his half of the relationship and again, I believed him but it didn't work.I ended up breaking up with him because things were just getting too weird. It was hard and not what I wanted but it had to be done. So I started seeing this other guy I met online in January of 2004. We started doing a lot of stuff together, including bowling (which is now one of my favorite things to do). In the meantime, I guess that annoyed my roommate. Maybe because I was doing more things with him than her. But the thing is I never really had any social life before this and I was enjoying it. She and I eventually decided to moved out to a new apt. since the one we were living in seemed more like Rich & I's apt. So, we found a place and were to move in the beginning of June. Unfortunately I did something that completely annoyed her and she bailed out on me the day of the move which left me with a 2 bedroom apt. and a $570 rent per month. Sure, I was in complete shock the day of the move, but thats really all I felt. So, I took it on my own to find a new roommate with flyers, newspaper ads and roommate websites. And I finally found one the end of August all by myself. Eventually I got a kitten, which I wanted for a long time. Hes a little brat but I love him all the same. "My little white boy." And this guy I was seeing I saw more as a friend, unfortunately thats not how he felt about me. Even though I was having fun with him and really enjoyed having him around I wasn't completely happy. So I found a new guy myself on November 9th in a chatroom, which I now call my boyfriend. Thats all I'm saying about that...
So, now I guess you can say I am selfishly happier. Even though I broke a few hearts and lost a friend in the process, which I do feel bad about. But you can't truly be happy with your life and your world around you until you are happy with yourself. That is what I had to do and what I am still working on now into the new year. I really impressed myself in the year 2004 with all the things I did, going through all the things I went through being the way I am. I'm a depressed and shy person but I got through things and did things that had to be done myself, something I could never really do before. I'm proud of myself for one of the first times in my life. The year 2004 was even though very stressful and emotional, one of the most meaningful years of my entire life.
I still talk to Rich and Andrew today, they are still really good friends of mine and it would hurt me a lot to lose them forever. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt either of you the way I did. Its not what I wanted for you. I hope this year will be a better one for both of you and you find what you are looking for. And if you need any help of any kind, I'm always there for you.
Am I truly a horrible person or just a person trying to live?
Alot has happened to me in the past year, so many things have changed. So, many feelings and emotions that it just seemed to be way too much for me in one year. I'm in a totally different position now than I was last year at this time...
It all started with Rich moving out on me in the middle of 2003, and then a friend/co-worker (at the time moved in). Everyone told me I would regret this decision I made by having her move in but I was unfortunately too gullible to believe them. I was a person that never gave up on people but lately... Even with Rich, he told me he would work on his half of the relationship and again, I believed him but it didn't work.I ended up breaking up with him because things were just getting too weird. It was hard and not what I wanted but it had to be done. So I started seeing this other guy I met online in January of 2004. We started doing a lot of stuff together, including bowling (which is now one of my favorite things to do). In the meantime, I guess that annoyed my roommate. Maybe because I was doing more things with him than her. But the thing is I never really had any social life before this and I was enjoying it. She and I eventually decided to moved out to a new apt. since the one we were living in seemed more like Rich & I's apt. So, we found a place and were to move in the beginning of June. Unfortunately I did something that completely annoyed her and she bailed out on me the day of the move which left me with a 2 bedroom apt. and a $570 rent per month. Sure, I was in complete shock the day of the move, but thats really all I felt. So, I took it on my own to find a new roommate with flyers, newspaper ads and roommate websites. And I finally found one the end of August all by myself. Eventually I got a kitten, which I wanted for a long time. Hes a little brat but I love him all the same. "My little white boy." And this guy I was seeing I saw more as a friend, unfortunately thats not how he felt about me. Even though I was having fun with him and really enjoyed having him around I wasn't completely happy. So I found a new guy myself on November 9th in a chatroom, which I now call my boyfriend. Thats all I'm saying about that...
So, now I guess you can say I am selfishly happier. Even though I broke a few hearts and lost a friend in the process, which I do feel bad about. But you can't truly be happy with your life and your world around you until you are happy with yourself. That is what I had to do and what I am still working on now into the new year. I really impressed myself in the year 2004 with all the things I did, going through all the things I went through being the way I am. I'm a depressed and shy person but I got through things and did things that had to be done myself, something I could never really do before. I'm proud of myself for one of the first times in my life. The year 2004 was even though very stressful and emotional, one of the most meaningful years of my entire life.
I still talk to Rich and Andrew today, they are still really good friends of mine and it would hurt me a lot to lose them forever. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt either of you the way I did. Its not what I wanted for you. I hope this year will be a better one for both of you and you find what you are looking for. And if you need any help of any kind, I'm always there for you.
Am I truly a horrible person or just a person trying to live?