childsick days: crayola & smarties
I have a really high temperature but I like thermometers. I'm sick but I'm really happy. Is it sick of me to find joy in the side-effects? I can't even get through half an apple. Goodbye 2 pounds a day. 'Cause I'm shivering like hell. Can't sit still. Bones, limbs. They're trying to escape! I don't know how, somehow. & I'm fussed over by my stepmother. First time in my life I've got the perks that apparently come with being sick. It's all spoonfed & strange marvellous medicines & hot water bottles & worry. But I cry. Because I feel bad: I can get up to get my own glass of water. But I get up & I faint.
Jac's six. She spends all day making paper jack-in-a-boxes. & she has these outbursts of "I'm free! I'm nothing!", over & over.
Gleeful as anything.
& I ask her, "What movie is that from Jac?"
She says she just made it up.
What a troubled child!
she says "I hate myself!" but she laughs. & my stepmother asks her, "Are you just mucking around Jac?" & she says yes.
Kelly finally contacted me. Briefly. All friendly-like but I felt nothing. She only wanted $ anyway. She says we are "separated, not divorced". I love how she comes to these conclusions without discussing them with me. But that is alright. Yeah. I get home & wonder what else she could have taken over. Last time: She cut up my gothic party dress to make into a corset for herself. & stencilled the word m i l k on one of my shirts. Still has all my makeup. I share. Even without knowing! & yet she, the one with this expansive bank account, still finds the time to email me, to ask me to pay a bill. Even though I haven't even been LIVING in the house for months. I told her no way.
It's weird. My entire (adolescent) life I've had recurring nightmares. About teeth. Teeth shattering, falling out. It's irrational but they scare me to death. A little while back I looked in a dream dictionary. It apparently symbolises something like friends betraying you or leaving you. Well after I spoke to her, I had a dream. The teeth that were bothering me fell out. But I was so happy!! At first I was worried that underneath it would be all rotten. But it was perfect! I was okay without that rotting tooth.
My time with Kelly was sweet & storybook, but rotten.