(no subject)
i hate being so aware of what goes on around me.i wish i didn't notice that folks don't like me.and by no means do i want to be liked by everyone.but just saying. i knew going into this (beauty school) that it was going to be hard on me more "emotionally" so than anything else.i shoulda thought hard being as though i lack the key word...beauty.yeah.hard to make it with girls who are gorgeous talking all sorts of shit about you.and i've never been one to care about the shit talkers out there.but i dunno it gets hard after awhile being as these girls are twice my age and have no reason to not like me but my looks.and no one...i don't care who the fuck you are wants to be ugly.or thought of so. so everyday having them look at me and knowing what they think and them saying the things they say...cause i can't help how pale i am.and maybe i like being a fat ass.but i'm more intelligent than any of those girls.probably some of them combined.but once again...it's beauty school.and outward apperance is what it's all about.and i don't have it.so i'm fucked.and to whomever else reads this.don't tell me to fucking not whine...it's not being whiney..it's called i'm fucking irritated as all gets out and this is MY fucking journal so i'll type whatever my little heart desires.but i've been dealing with this for almost 9 months now.and i guess it's really starting to get to me now because i'm almost done.but it's like it's fucking with everything else too.cause i'm wonderfully bipolar and i get all wierd and so when i get upset about this stuff i get all sick feeling and tired all the time and all i do is sleep.and um yeah i feel so worthless.pathetic? yes.but i can't do anything but go through the motions. it's starting to make me think my friends dislike me as much as the people i deal with everyday.and i'm sure some of them do.because like i said i'm pretty damned intelligent, i can tell when you're pretending.it'd be so much easier for you to just let me know.i promise i wouldn't be offended in the least.but yeah.feeling like this big giant blob of gross,ugly blah is very unfun.i hate when people look at me now.because i know what they're thinking and i hate it because i'm thinking the same thing.blah...i'm done...