015 - Finding Home Part 2 (PG-13), art by strivaria, fic by ca_pierson
See Part 1 for headers and disclaimer.
John felt restless. Rodney had practically pushed him into the guest room and then vanished into his own bedroom before the door had properly closed. And John hadn’t been able to really relax since then. He’d read a bit in one of Rodney’s books, paced the room, tossed and turned for a bit, but he couldn’t really settle down.
Which wasn’t a real surprise, not after what Radek had found out about the device they had both touched. John couldn’t find it in himself to be angry or annoyed about the whole thing, probably because Rodney was angry and annoyed enough for the both of them. It was a weird feeling to know what Rodney was feeling. It was even weirder that the device had decided Rodney and John were … soul mates. That Rodney was a guy didn’t freak John out at all. What did freak him out just a little bit was that he wasn’t worried about that as much as he thought he should be. The only thing that did matter, however, was that Rodney wasn’t there. It made John twitch.
After another circuit of the room, John couldn’t take it anymore. Gritting his teeth, he went to stand in front of Rodney’s bedroom door, hesitating just a moment. He knew Rodney was as unsettled as he was, that they both felt the urge to … touch. Earlier it had barely been enough to be in the same room with Rodney, but he didn’t even have that anymore. Rubbing his hands on his trousers one last time, he begged the locked door to open for him … and it did. Wow, John thought when the door actually opened. He hadn’t expected it to work. Rodney looked at him from his place at the window, eyes wide, but not with surprise. John could still feel his upset, feel that he blamed himself for the situation they were in now. “Rodney,” he whispered and reached out. And Rodney surprised John by stepping into his arms quickly. He’d probably felt the separation as strongly as John had.
“This is such a bad idea,” Rodney whispered. “It’s all just induced by that device, you don’t really feel that way and neither do I,” he said, even as he put his head on John’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around John’s waist. “Once Radek and I figure out how to break this ridiculous bond you’ll hate me for giving you the thing to initiate. And I really liked you before.”
John’s breath hitched as waves of all kinds of feeling swept over him. Rodney felt everything so intensely. He didn’t know why he wasn’t angry with Rodney, or the fact that they couldn’t get rid of this bond between them. It was so right and … John couldn’t describe it any better than that. “I won’t hate you,” John mumbled into Rodney’s hair, his hands rubbing up and down Rodney’s back out of their own volition. “Even if you never figure out how to break this bond, I don’t think I could ever really hate you. Not after feeling like this.” John had never felt this way in his entire life. Not even the love he had for his mother came close to it. “I love you,” he said, surprising himself by voicing it. Rodney startled in his arms and John had to hold on to him tightly for a moment, to prevent him from getting away.
“John,” Rodney started to say, but stopped when John’s hands slipped underneath Rodney’s pajama top to caress skin. “John, please, don’t do this.” But he didn’t try to step away again, just struggled to get closer. “This isn’t real.”
John frowned at that. Felt his heart beat faster and Rodney’s heat through their clothing. “Feels real to me,” he said, his fingers brushing over Rodney’s bare skin, feeling the intensity between them rise.
“John,” Rodney admonished, but still didn’t pull away.
“You heard what Radek said, right?” John finally asked and waited for Rodney to nod into his shoulder. “If there wasn’t something between us the device wouldn’t have worked. Apparently we’re meant for each other.”
John could feel the moment Rodney broke down before he was pulled into a kiss. It felt electrifying and so wonderful. The itching feeling underneath his skin had gone away and was replaced by a deep feeling of rightness when they parted. “Look, Rodney, can I stay with you in here? I don’t think either of us can sleep like this.”
Rodney nodded and John realized that some of the contentment he felt wasn’t actually his own. It was a very peculiar thing … but in a good way. They crawled into bed together and curled up around each other. This was what John had needed, and still he couldn’t fall asleep.
He’d been kind of unhappy thinking about going back home before, but now? Now he didn’t even want to think about leaving Atlantis without Rodney. John wanted to stay in the city that had welcomed him so warmly, wanted to stay close to Rodney, work with the people here. John didn’t want to go back. “Rodney?” he asked, hoping both that he was awake and asleep at the same time.
“Hmm?”
“I want to stay here,” John said, allowing his longing to show through. “I don’t want to go back home. Can I stay on Atlantis?”
Rodney went unnaturally still for a moment and John could almost hear his thoughts. The words where ghosting in his mind, panic, hope, longing. It was all there, sweeping through John like a hurricane. “Yes,” Rodney finally said. And John knew that it was Rodney’s want that had said that even as he felt the trepidation Rodney felt about it. He knew from Rodney that it wasn’t their decision, it was Elizabeth’s decision, the Council’s decision, and even though Rodney wanted - no, needed - John to stay, they both now knew the chances of it being allowed without his parents consent was slim to none.
John let go of a breath he hadn’t even been aware of holding, feeling sad and terrified. “I love you, Rodney McKay,” he said, his heart brimming over with the feeling of it. If they left him behind, what would happen? What would happen to the two of them bound as they were? He fell asleep with Rodney breathing evenly in his ear.
OooO00OooO
“You're both still too young, Rodney, and John needs his family,” Elizabeth said, not unkindly, but Rodney felt like kicking her anyway. She was very lucky to be on the other side of the room.
Then, suddenly, calm enveloped him like John was hugging him. John had probably felt his upset … Rodney couldn’t understand how John was so much better at this than him, but relaxed into the mental embrace readily enough. “What about me? I need John, too, don't I count?” he asked, terrified of the mere thought of leaving John behind on Earth, of never seeing him again. He wished Elizabeth was more loathsome and less nice. He wanted to hate her right now, so very much.
“I'm sorry, Rodney, we don't kidnap people. He's not a pet that followed you home and the notes on the device are very detailed. As long as the marriage is not consummated it's considered an engagement.”
“I know all that, Elizabeth, but it hurts not to be in the same room with him, do you know how it'll be when he's a galaxy away? It'll be torture and it'll be your fault.” He relished the shock in her eyes, but he could see when she pushed all that aside, her worry, her fear, when she put on her diplomat's face again.
“I'm sorry, Rodney, I really am. And I know it'll be painful for both of you. Once we've left the solar system the bond will be dormant. It takes us only half an hour and after that you will be fine. The notes are very extensive and the database that came with it even more so. Neither of you will be hurt in the long run and that's the important thing.”
Rodney stared at her for a while and then turned around wordlessly, leaving the room. There was nothing more he could say to that. It wasn’t like Elizabeth was listening. He’d read the same passages as she had, and he knew that she probably thought she meant well, but she wouldn’t be leaving half of her soul behind.
It wasn’t hard to stick to your morals if you weren’t the one who was going to suffer for the decision.
“She said no, didn’t she?” John asked as he fell into step beside Rodney in the corridor. They both reached out at the same time and the relief they felt when they finally held hands again bounced between them for the duration of a breath. “Well, we both knew it couldn’t be that easy.”
If Rodney hadn’t been bonded with John he wouldn’t have known how terrified John was. How being left behind by Rodney was probably the worst thing he could imagine.
Apart from a few snatched minutes of sleep here and there Rodney had spent the night clinging to John, thinking. Planning, really. For every eventuality. He hadn’t discussed these plans with John yet, after all, Elizabeth was a decent person and Rodney had wanted to give her a chance to do right by them. Apparently they couldn’t count on any of that though. “John,” he said, frowning as he went through the list of plans again rapidly, “I think we need to do this ourselves.”
John nodded, his hand squeezing his gently in an attempt to make him feel better - Rodney was surprised at how well that worked. “I know.”
“They’re still going to bring you to the mainland in an hour,” Rodney said, “there is no way around that. I just don’t know what to do.” He hated feeling this way. Rodney McKay always knew what to do. He was a genius for fuck’s sake.
Suddenly John stopped and pulled Rodney back so they were facing each other. “Rodney,” John said, his name a caress, “I’ve run away from home before. I can do it again. Before the city takes off in a week we meet up by the cliff and you can smuggle me back to Atlantis. You’re out testing the gateship often enough, aren’t you? They wouldn’t even notice, would they?”
Rodney stared at John in disbelief, “You want to stowaway? Are you insane? They’d find you when … oh.” They would take a sensor check and count heads before leaving, that much was true, but if they waited for the gateships to be recalled they’d miss that. All they’d have to do was sit tight and let the automatic recall program bring gateship five back to Atlantis, then get John to a little used part of the city while they waited for Atlantis to be far enough away for them to forget about bringing John back. “That … could … work,” he finally said with a glimmer of hope. “It’s actually quite a good idea.”
Not only looking smug, but also giving off feelings of superiority John grinned, “Thanks.”
They spent the next hour walking through corridors, hopping around with the transporters, looking for a good hiding place. “Once Atlantis is half out of the solar system nothing will make the High Council approve to turn around. Not to drop off a kid for sure,” Rodney said before they made their way back to Rodney’s quarters for John to change back into his own, now dry, clothes. Rodney knew he was babbling, but he couldn’t help it. He was so scared something wouldn’t work out, but John’s confidence seeped into his mind the whole time. At least one of them was a thinking positive it seemed.
Before they left, though, Rodney pulled John close, hugging him tightly. “If something, anything doesn’t work out … I’ll come back for you. Next time we’re on Earth I’ll come back, if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do,” he whispered into John’s shoulder, relishing in his warmth just once more. They wouldn’t be allowed to say a proper good-bye with everybody around.
“It’s alright, Rodney, everything will be fine. You’ll see,” John said reassuringly, rubbing circles on Rodney’s back.
“I-“ Rodney started to say, but broke off when he didn’t know what to say. I’m scared, Rodney thought but couldn’t voice that out loud. I’m so scared. Terrified. I’ll miss you, I’ll miss you so much. “I love you,” he finally settled on and pulled John into a brief kiss. In a week John would be hidden on the South Pier and they’d be back on their way to the Pegasus Galaxy. Next stop P5-X34 on the way there. It’d all be well.
OooO00OooO
Rodney sat on the ramp of the cloaked gateship he’d brought to the mainland, waiting. The connection between them was wired with uneasiness and Rodney could feel a burning on the right side of his face that he could swear hadn’t originated from him. Something had happened to John and there was nothing Rodney could do aside from sitting there, waiting. He could hear the alarm go off in the cockpit already. Just on time. Like it had been their plan. But John wasn’t here yet. That so wasn’t part of the plan. Rodney mulishly refused to move.
There was no way he could do anything to get to John now unless he stayed behind … which was a surprisingly tempting thought. There was a flood of love from John, and he felt like he was being shooed away. “No,” Rodney said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to go without you.” He finally jumped into motion as the ramp started to rise. Hurriedly to connected his laptop to the controls and started to hack the emergency protocols that were even now running to recall all the gateships that were still out so close to departure. The ramp was closed now and Rodney could hear the pods whining.
Go.
“No!” There was no way he’d … “Don’t make me leave you behind, John,” he sobbed, but he’d already lost that particular battle as the gateship sped towards Atlantis. Rodney hated Elizabeth. Hated her for making them do this, for wanting to leave John behind. He’d never hated anyone quite like this ever before. Rodney should have thought of something else, anything else. “I’ll come back for you,” Rodney sobbed, concentrating hard on his one thought, hoping John could hear him. “I promise.”
For the first time since … ever … the approaching towers of Atlantis didn’t make Rodney feel any wonder or happiness. With every moment that brought him further away from John their bond thinned until all Rodney had left was a lifeline. And he hoped it would be enough for both of them.
OooO00OooO
John was lying on his bed, hugging a pillow. He’d tried getting out, really had, but his father had caught him. His face was still burning with the resounding slap he’d received for that. Sneaking out had never been appropriate behavior for the sons of Patrick Sheppard. John barely felt the pain now, the bruise nothing to the feeling of being abandoned gnawing on his insides.
They’d never talked about what would happen if John didn’t turn up. There were no plans for that. ’I’ll come back for you,’ Rodney’d said, like he’d known something would happen. He clung to that promise as he felt Rodney waiting uneasily for him.
John could feel Rodney fretting about losing John, about leaving him behind, could feel the panic when the recall beacon started broadcasting. Rodney was even thinking about staying because of John … no. John wouldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let that happen.
He didn’t know when he’d started getting more than just general feelings from Rodney, but it was the one thing that made his current situation even remotely bearable. “Go,” John said, closing his eyes and willing Rodney to understand. “You can’t stay here, you belong to Atlantis. What are they going to do with you gone? Go.”
He got a wash of garbled emotions from Rodney before their bond grew weaker, thin and … barely there. Shuddering, John curled up on his bed as white hot pain seared through him. He screamed for a long time.
OooO00OooO
John sat on the hillside, the same place he’d been at so often and stared out at the sea. This was the place he’d last seen Rodney at. If he closed his eyes he could almost see him there, standing in front of the cloaked gateship, waving at him, trying to smile while he was feeling desolate already from the separation. In his mind’s eye he could still see the spires of Atlantis as well, but whenever he thought of the city, it always came superimposed with Rodney’s face. Even after all these years the image hadn’t faded. Neither had the Rodney-shaped hole in his heart. Lately, though, the ache had been easing, like a wound finally healing. John hated it. He still missed Rodney, still felt a painful stab whenever he thought of him. The thought that he was finally getting over their separation, that the bond was failing in the absence of contact and with the distance between them was a terrifying thing to him.
He’d come here every year. The same day he had fallen into the ocean, sitting here. Waiting for the storm that would herald Atlantis’ arrival. But it had never come.
At night, John still curled up around a pillow, trying to recall what it had been like to hold Rodney in his arms, to know how Rodney felt, to be loved so unconditionally. Ten years were a long time to remember, but John never forgot. He wondered if it had been the same for Rodney and if he’d ever see him again. John missed Rodney. Had missed him every day they’d been apart. Missed him so much it hurt.
“Well, what are you sitting there for? Chop, chop, John, work’s waiting for no-one.”
John froze. That couldn’t be. No, it was impossible. His mind was playing a trick on him. Then a hand touched his shoulder, warm and heavy. He looked up and fell into blue eyes, warmth spreading in his chest. “Rodney?” John hadn’t forgotten how it had felt to not be alone in his skin, to feel what Rodney felt, to itch for someone’s touch like this. But the memories were nothing like reality. Nothing like the intensity that came with it. Now that it came back with a force that made his knees go weak John remembered.
Rodney snorted, “Who where you expecting? Santa? Of course it’s me. Now move before Elizabeth figures out that I took the gateship without her permission and sends the guard after me. She might make me work together with Kavanaugh for the scare, but if I bring you back, she won’t be too cross.”
“Rodney,” John repeated, unable to believe this was really happening, “you’re back.” A surge of love rushed through him and for the first time in ten years John felt the ice around his heart thawing. “You’re really back.”
For a moment it looked like Rodney was going to say something, but then he closed his mouth with a snap and sat down next to John, his arm snaking around John’s shoulders, pulling him close. “I missed you,” Rodney confessed, his voice hesitant, gentle and full of longing. “I really did. I waited for you as long as I could, but the automatic return code activated and I was forced to … you made me leave, John,” he said and his voice broke on John’s name. “You made me leave you and I couldn’t …it nearly killed me.”
Rodney hadn’t forgotten anything either and the backwash of emotions at the memory would have made John crumble hadn’t he been sitting. “Sending you away was the hardest thing I’ve done in my entire life, Rodney,” John said while he leaned in, his forehead touching Rodney’s cheek in a silent admission that he understood. Skin on skin. It was heavenly.
“Now, are you going to get up and walk to the gateship or do I have to carry you?” Rodney said as he stood up and brushed the grass off his trousers, then offered John a hand. The expectant look he turned on John was full of the hope that John could feel coursing through their bond. Hope and fear and love all mingled together into a powerful mixture that made John dizzy with its intensity.
Closing his eyes for a moment, John gave Rodney his hand. There was no decision to make. Ten years ago he’d been forced to stay behind, to miss his chance at what he’d always known was happiness. Now they were both old enough to decide for themselves. John reached out and took Rodney’s hand. Knowing he’d have left with Rodney ten years ago if he’d had the opportunity. The bond between them flared with raw desire when Rodney pulled him up and John followed the motion a bit further until he was chest to chest with Rodney, their faces only inches apart. “I missed you, too,” John said before he closed in and allowed his lips to brush over Rodney’s.
It felt like John had finally come home.
The End.
John felt restless. Rodney had practically pushed him into the guest room and then vanished into his own bedroom before the door had properly closed. And John hadn’t been able to really relax since then. He’d read a bit in one of Rodney’s books, paced the room, tossed and turned for a bit, but he couldn’t really settle down.
Which wasn’t a real surprise, not after what Radek had found out about the device they had both touched. John couldn’t find it in himself to be angry or annoyed about the whole thing, probably because Rodney was angry and annoyed enough for the both of them. It was a weird feeling to know what Rodney was feeling. It was even weirder that the device had decided Rodney and John were … soul mates. That Rodney was a guy didn’t freak John out at all. What did freak him out just a little bit was that he wasn’t worried about that as much as he thought he should be. The only thing that did matter, however, was that Rodney wasn’t there. It made John twitch.
After another circuit of the room, John couldn’t take it anymore. Gritting his teeth, he went to stand in front of Rodney’s bedroom door, hesitating just a moment. He knew Rodney was as unsettled as he was, that they both felt the urge to … touch. Earlier it had barely been enough to be in the same room with Rodney, but he didn’t even have that anymore. Rubbing his hands on his trousers one last time, he begged the locked door to open for him … and it did. Wow, John thought when the door actually opened. He hadn’t expected it to work. Rodney looked at him from his place at the window, eyes wide, but not with surprise. John could still feel his upset, feel that he blamed himself for the situation they were in now. “Rodney,” he whispered and reached out. And Rodney surprised John by stepping into his arms quickly. He’d probably felt the separation as strongly as John had.
“This is such a bad idea,” Rodney whispered. “It’s all just induced by that device, you don’t really feel that way and neither do I,” he said, even as he put his head on John’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around John’s waist. “Once Radek and I figure out how to break this ridiculous bond you’ll hate me for giving you the thing to initiate. And I really liked you before.”
John’s breath hitched as waves of all kinds of feeling swept over him. Rodney felt everything so intensely. He didn’t know why he wasn’t angry with Rodney, or the fact that they couldn’t get rid of this bond between them. It was so right and … John couldn’t describe it any better than that. “I won’t hate you,” John mumbled into Rodney’s hair, his hands rubbing up and down Rodney’s back out of their own volition. “Even if you never figure out how to break this bond, I don’t think I could ever really hate you. Not after feeling like this.” John had never felt this way in his entire life. Not even the love he had for his mother came close to it. “I love you,” he said, surprising himself by voicing it. Rodney startled in his arms and John had to hold on to him tightly for a moment, to prevent him from getting away.
“John,” Rodney started to say, but stopped when John’s hands slipped underneath Rodney’s pajama top to caress skin. “John, please, don’t do this.” But he didn’t try to step away again, just struggled to get closer. “This isn’t real.”
John frowned at that. Felt his heart beat faster and Rodney’s heat through their clothing. “Feels real to me,” he said, his fingers brushing over Rodney’s bare skin, feeling the intensity between them rise.
“John,” Rodney admonished, but still didn’t pull away.
“You heard what Radek said, right?” John finally asked and waited for Rodney to nod into his shoulder. “If there wasn’t something between us the device wouldn’t have worked. Apparently we’re meant for each other.”
John could feel the moment Rodney broke down before he was pulled into a kiss. It felt electrifying and so wonderful. The itching feeling underneath his skin had gone away and was replaced by a deep feeling of rightness when they parted. “Look, Rodney, can I stay with you in here? I don’t think either of us can sleep like this.”
Rodney nodded and John realized that some of the contentment he felt wasn’t actually his own. It was a very peculiar thing … but in a good way. They crawled into bed together and curled up around each other. This was what John had needed, and still he couldn’t fall asleep.
He’d been kind of unhappy thinking about going back home before, but now? Now he didn’t even want to think about leaving Atlantis without Rodney. John wanted to stay in the city that had welcomed him so warmly, wanted to stay close to Rodney, work with the people here. John didn’t want to go back. “Rodney?” he asked, hoping both that he was awake and asleep at the same time.
“Hmm?”
“I want to stay here,” John said, allowing his longing to show through. “I don’t want to go back home. Can I stay on Atlantis?”
Rodney went unnaturally still for a moment and John could almost hear his thoughts. The words where ghosting in his mind, panic, hope, longing. It was all there, sweeping through John like a hurricane. “Yes,” Rodney finally said. And John knew that it was Rodney’s want that had said that even as he felt the trepidation Rodney felt about it. He knew from Rodney that it wasn’t their decision, it was Elizabeth’s decision, the Council’s decision, and even though Rodney wanted - no, needed - John to stay, they both now knew the chances of it being allowed without his parents consent was slim to none.
John let go of a breath he hadn’t even been aware of holding, feeling sad and terrified. “I love you, Rodney McKay,” he said, his heart brimming over with the feeling of it. If they left him behind, what would happen? What would happen to the two of them bound as they were? He fell asleep with Rodney breathing evenly in his ear.
OooO00OooO
“You're both still too young, Rodney, and John needs his family,” Elizabeth said, not unkindly, but Rodney felt like kicking her anyway. She was very lucky to be on the other side of the room.
Then, suddenly, calm enveloped him like John was hugging him. John had probably felt his upset … Rodney couldn’t understand how John was so much better at this than him, but relaxed into the mental embrace readily enough. “What about me? I need John, too, don't I count?” he asked, terrified of the mere thought of leaving John behind on Earth, of never seeing him again. He wished Elizabeth was more loathsome and less nice. He wanted to hate her right now, so very much.
“I'm sorry, Rodney, we don't kidnap people. He's not a pet that followed you home and the notes on the device are very detailed. As long as the marriage is not consummated it's considered an engagement.”
“I know all that, Elizabeth, but it hurts not to be in the same room with him, do you know how it'll be when he's a galaxy away? It'll be torture and it'll be your fault.” He relished the shock in her eyes, but he could see when she pushed all that aside, her worry, her fear, when she put on her diplomat's face again.
“I'm sorry, Rodney, I really am. And I know it'll be painful for both of you. Once we've left the solar system the bond will be dormant. It takes us only half an hour and after that you will be fine. The notes are very extensive and the database that came with it even more so. Neither of you will be hurt in the long run and that's the important thing.”
Rodney stared at her for a while and then turned around wordlessly, leaving the room. There was nothing more he could say to that. It wasn’t like Elizabeth was listening. He’d read the same passages as she had, and he knew that she probably thought she meant well, but she wouldn’t be leaving half of her soul behind.
It wasn’t hard to stick to your morals if you weren’t the one who was going to suffer for the decision.
“She said no, didn’t she?” John asked as he fell into step beside Rodney in the corridor. They both reached out at the same time and the relief they felt when they finally held hands again bounced between them for the duration of a breath. “Well, we both knew it couldn’t be that easy.”
If Rodney hadn’t been bonded with John he wouldn’t have known how terrified John was. How being left behind by Rodney was probably the worst thing he could imagine.
Apart from a few snatched minutes of sleep here and there Rodney had spent the night clinging to John, thinking. Planning, really. For every eventuality. He hadn’t discussed these plans with John yet, after all, Elizabeth was a decent person and Rodney had wanted to give her a chance to do right by them. Apparently they couldn’t count on any of that though. “John,” he said, frowning as he went through the list of plans again rapidly, “I think we need to do this ourselves.”
John nodded, his hand squeezing his gently in an attempt to make him feel better - Rodney was surprised at how well that worked. “I know.”
“They’re still going to bring you to the mainland in an hour,” Rodney said, “there is no way around that. I just don’t know what to do.” He hated feeling this way. Rodney McKay always knew what to do. He was a genius for fuck’s sake.
Suddenly John stopped and pulled Rodney back so they were facing each other. “Rodney,” John said, his name a caress, “I’ve run away from home before. I can do it again. Before the city takes off in a week we meet up by the cliff and you can smuggle me back to Atlantis. You’re out testing the gateship often enough, aren’t you? They wouldn’t even notice, would they?”
Rodney stared at John in disbelief, “You want to stowaway? Are you insane? They’d find you when … oh.” They would take a sensor check and count heads before leaving, that much was true, but if they waited for the gateships to be recalled they’d miss that. All they’d have to do was sit tight and let the automatic recall program bring gateship five back to Atlantis, then get John to a little used part of the city while they waited for Atlantis to be far enough away for them to forget about bringing John back. “That … could … work,” he finally said with a glimmer of hope. “It’s actually quite a good idea.”
Not only looking smug, but also giving off feelings of superiority John grinned, “Thanks.”
They spent the next hour walking through corridors, hopping around with the transporters, looking for a good hiding place. “Once Atlantis is half out of the solar system nothing will make the High Council approve to turn around. Not to drop off a kid for sure,” Rodney said before they made their way back to Rodney’s quarters for John to change back into his own, now dry, clothes. Rodney knew he was babbling, but he couldn’t help it. He was so scared something wouldn’t work out, but John’s confidence seeped into his mind the whole time. At least one of them was a thinking positive it seemed.
Before they left, though, Rodney pulled John close, hugging him tightly. “If something, anything doesn’t work out … I’ll come back for you. Next time we’re on Earth I’ll come back, if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do,” he whispered into John’s shoulder, relishing in his warmth just once more. They wouldn’t be allowed to say a proper good-bye with everybody around.
“It’s alright, Rodney, everything will be fine. You’ll see,” John said reassuringly, rubbing circles on Rodney’s back.
“I-“ Rodney started to say, but broke off when he didn’t know what to say. I’m scared, Rodney thought but couldn’t voice that out loud. I’m so scared. Terrified. I’ll miss you, I’ll miss you so much. “I love you,” he finally settled on and pulled John into a brief kiss. In a week John would be hidden on the South Pier and they’d be back on their way to the Pegasus Galaxy. Next stop P5-X34 on the way there. It’d all be well.
OooO00OooO
Rodney sat on the ramp of the cloaked gateship he’d brought to the mainland, waiting. The connection between them was wired with uneasiness and Rodney could feel a burning on the right side of his face that he could swear hadn’t originated from him. Something had happened to John and there was nothing Rodney could do aside from sitting there, waiting. He could hear the alarm go off in the cockpit already. Just on time. Like it had been their plan. But John wasn’t here yet. That so wasn’t part of the plan. Rodney mulishly refused to move.
There was no way he could do anything to get to John now unless he stayed behind … which was a surprisingly tempting thought. There was a flood of love from John, and he felt like he was being shooed away. “No,” Rodney said, shaking his head. “I don’t want to go without you.” He finally jumped into motion as the ramp started to rise. Hurriedly to connected his laptop to the controls and started to hack the emergency protocols that were even now running to recall all the gateships that were still out so close to departure. The ramp was closed now and Rodney could hear the pods whining.
Go.
“No!” There was no way he’d … “Don’t make me leave you behind, John,” he sobbed, but he’d already lost that particular battle as the gateship sped towards Atlantis. Rodney hated Elizabeth. Hated her for making them do this, for wanting to leave John behind. He’d never hated anyone quite like this ever before. Rodney should have thought of something else, anything else. “I’ll come back for you,” Rodney sobbed, concentrating hard on his one thought, hoping John could hear him. “I promise.”
For the first time since … ever … the approaching towers of Atlantis didn’t make Rodney feel any wonder or happiness. With every moment that brought him further away from John their bond thinned until all Rodney had left was a lifeline. And he hoped it would be enough for both of them.
OooO00OooO
John was lying on his bed, hugging a pillow. He’d tried getting out, really had, but his father had caught him. His face was still burning with the resounding slap he’d received for that. Sneaking out had never been appropriate behavior for the sons of Patrick Sheppard. John barely felt the pain now, the bruise nothing to the feeling of being abandoned gnawing on his insides.
They’d never talked about what would happen if John didn’t turn up. There were no plans for that. ’I’ll come back for you,’ Rodney’d said, like he’d known something would happen. He clung to that promise as he felt Rodney waiting uneasily for him.
John could feel Rodney fretting about losing John, about leaving him behind, could feel the panic when the recall beacon started broadcasting. Rodney was even thinking about staying because of John … no. John wouldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let that happen.
He didn’t know when he’d started getting more than just general feelings from Rodney, but it was the one thing that made his current situation even remotely bearable. “Go,” John said, closing his eyes and willing Rodney to understand. “You can’t stay here, you belong to Atlantis. What are they going to do with you gone? Go.”
He got a wash of garbled emotions from Rodney before their bond grew weaker, thin and … barely there. Shuddering, John curled up on his bed as white hot pain seared through him. He screamed for a long time.
OooO00OooO
John sat on the hillside, the same place he’d been at so often and stared out at the sea. This was the place he’d last seen Rodney at. If he closed his eyes he could almost see him there, standing in front of the cloaked gateship, waving at him, trying to smile while he was feeling desolate already from the separation. In his mind’s eye he could still see the spires of Atlantis as well, but whenever he thought of the city, it always came superimposed with Rodney’s face. Even after all these years the image hadn’t faded. Neither had the Rodney-shaped hole in his heart. Lately, though, the ache had been easing, like a wound finally healing. John hated it. He still missed Rodney, still felt a painful stab whenever he thought of him. The thought that he was finally getting over their separation, that the bond was failing in the absence of contact and with the distance between them was a terrifying thing to him.
He’d come here every year. The same day he had fallen into the ocean, sitting here. Waiting for the storm that would herald Atlantis’ arrival. But it had never come.
At night, John still curled up around a pillow, trying to recall what it had been like to hold Rodney in his arms, to know how Rodney felt, to be loved so unconditionally. Ten years were a long time to remember, but John never forgot. He wondered if it had been the same for Rodney and if he’d ever see him again. John missed Rodney. Had missed him every day they’d been apart. Missed him so much it hurt.
“Well, what are you sitting there for? Chop, chop, John, work’s waiting for no-one.”
John froze. That couldn’t be. No, it was impossible. His mind was playing a trick on him. Then a hand touched his shoulder, warm and heavy. He looked up and fell into blue eyes, warmth spreading in his chest. “Rodney?” John hadn’t forgotten how it had felt to not be alone in his skin, to feel what Rodney felt, to itch for someone’s touch like this. But the memories were nothing like reality. Nothing like the intensity that came with it. Now that it came back with a force that made his knees go weak John remembered.
Rodney snorted, “Who where you expecting? Santa? Of course it’s me. Now move before Elizabeth figures out that I took the gateship without her permission and sends the guard after me. She might make me work together with Kavanaugh for the scare, but if I bring you back, she won’t be too cross.”
“Rodney,” John repeated, unable to believe this was really happening, “you’re back.” A surge of love rushed through him and for the first time in ten years John felt the ice around his heart thawing. “You’re really back.”
For a moment it looked like Rodney was going to say something, but then he closed his mouth with a snap and sat down next to John, his arm snaking around John’s shoulders, pulling him close. “I missed you,” Rodney confessed, his voice hesitant, gentle and full of longing. “I really did. I waited for you as long as I could, but the automatic return code activated and I was forced to … you made me leave, John,” he said and his voice broke on John’s name. “You made me leave you and I couldn’t …it nearly killed me.”
Rodney hadn’t forgotten anything either and the backwash of emotions at the memory would have made John crumble hadn’t he been sitting. “Sending you away was the hardest thing I’ve done in my entire life, Rodney,” John said while he leaned in, his forehead touching Rodney’s cheek in a silent admission that he understood. Skin on skin. It was heavenly.
“Now, are you going to get up and walk to the gateship or do I have to carry you?” Rodney said as he stood up and brushed the grass off his trousers, then offered John a hand. The expectant look he turned on John was full of the hope that John could feel coursing through their bond. Hope and fear and love all mingled together into a powerful mixture that made John dizzy with its intensity.
Closing his eyes for a moment, John gave Rodney his hand. There was no decision to make. Ten years ago he’d been forced to stay behind, to miss his chance at what he’d always known was happiness. Now they were both old enough to decide for themselves. John reached out and took Rodney’s hand. Knowing he’d have left with Rodney ten years ago if he’d had the opportunity. The bond between them flared with raw desire when Rodney pulled him up and John followed the motion a bit further until he was chest to chest with Rodney, their faces only inches apart. “I missed you, too,” John said before he closed in and allowed his lips to brush over Rodney’s.
It felt like John had finally come home.
The End.