(no subject)
I freaked out last night. Big time. Worse than I have in years. It started with me being pissed off at a few people, really pissed off & rightfully so. Then that just spread into everything going on in my life & suddenly I didn't know who I was anymore. Quarter-life crisis, Christine called it.
So many people form so many opinions of you as a person--who you are, who yer supposed to be. Eventually, I just started to become what I've been told because it starts to feel like the truth. I've had so many layers of "me" piled on over the last few years, I started wondering who I was if I peeled them all off. If I took out my piercings, would I still be the same person? When some calls me by a name other than the one I was born with, am I still the same person?
Fuck Rala. Fuck Mable. Fuck Mabes. Fuck you. Who the fuck is Paula? It's been so long since I've thought about who I really am that I don't remember. I've always thought I had all this shit figured out & I'm a stupid asshole for thinking so.
I feel like I've been living a fucking lie. I've been lying to myself & I didn't even know. The whole time I was trying to be me, I was really just trying to be some one else. I'm almost embarassed by it.
Realizing that you've been lying to yerself, & thus everyone you know & meet, for years is the loneliest feeling in the world. If I don't know who I am, how the hell does anyone else?
I didn't realize it until now, but this is why I started growing my hair out. This is why I stopped dyeing it. This is why I grew my eyebrows back in. It's been going on for months now & I had no idea.
So, how do you fix it? How do you find who you are when you spent so long thinking you had yerself all figured out? How do you forget every opinion anyone has ever had about you, even the ones you've had of yerself? How do just erase it all & start over?
There's so much more in my head right now, but I can't find the words to get it out.
For those of you that have already heard me talk about this since last night, I'm sorry I'm being a whiny bitch & I'm sorry it's all I can talk about. Thanks for listening.
So many people form so many opinions of you as a person--who you are, who yer supposed to be. Eventually, I just started to become what I've been told because it starts to feel like the truth. I've had so many layers of "me" piled on over the last few years, I started wondering who I was if I peeled them all off. If I took out my piercings, would I still be the same person? When some calls me by a name other than the one I was born with, am I still the same person?
Fuck Rala. Fuck Mable. Fuck Mabes. Fuck you. Who the fuck is Paula? It's been so long since I've thought about who I really am that I don't remember. I've always thought I had all this shit figured out & I'm a stupid asshole for thinking so.
I feel like I've been living a fucking lie. I've been lying to myself & I didn't even know. The whole time I was trying to be me, I was really just trying to be some one else. I'm almost embarassed by it.
Realizing that you've been lying to yerself, & thus everyone you know & meet, for years is the loneliest feeling in the world. If I don't know who I am, how the hell does anyone else?
I didn't realize it until now, but this is why I started growing my hair out. This is why I stopped dyeing it. This is why I grew my eyebrows back in. It's been going on for months now & I had no idea.
So, how do you fix it? How do you find who you are when you spent so long thinking you had yerself all figured out? How do you forget every opinion anyone has ever had about you, even the ones you've had of yerself? How do just erase it all & start over?
There's so much more in my head right now, but I can't find the words to get it out.
For those of you that have already heard me talk about this since last night, I'm sorry I'm being a whiny bitch & I'm sorry it's all I can talk about. Thanks for listening.