lay down my burdens...
hmm...where to begin again?? i guess right now so much is going on--all of which im actually trying to deal with and not avoid--and i just feel drained. i wanna complain and say life is crappy but if i did i'd be ignoring all the people i love/care about and the simple things that make me happy. the past wk alone has been loaded--with bad news, unfortunate eventss, horrible truths, hurt feelings, and doses of emotions. everytime i sit down to the computer and attempt to explain the latest in my life i get bored or called away to something more important. Right now im sitting here worrying though. about one of the best friends in the world. someone i care tremendously about and would give anything for. shes at the end of her rope and won't tie a knot and hang on. i dunno how to help. shes been at this breaking point before and although i'm sure i didn't solely redirect her she held on a little longer. i'm deathly afraid that she'll act on all the feelings shes been thinking and only told me about when belligerently drunk. she scolded me for lettign her down, which i was speechless about. it was the truth and i hated thinking selfishly that there was nothing i could do. no matter how i struggled i always defeated myself and ended up with a worse situation. why couldn't i just dedicate myself to taking and passing the classes at Baruch so that we could return to Skidmore together? and my stubbornness and ignored motivations kept me from passing teh summer courses at BC, then my procrastination hindered my enrollment at St. Josephs. and although all of this is true there are still things unconsciously causing obstacles. she claims that i know exactly why i keep screwing up and i wish i did. i feel disbaled. i always have. i never am able to make a connection with my feelings and reality. it's like laying on the floor numb and as much as you think to move your legs and get up, the process is no longer voluntary. i'm laying there and the world is exploding around me. and i'm paralyzed. stuck in a moment. i wish i had made it back here--for her sake more than mine. although it would make me happier than i've ever been. she's all alone. we were always there no matter the distance and just when i thought she'd be content and leav eme behind she's left in the dust. and i'm still reaching out to her down in scribner as most of our friends hang in howe-rounds. calling her every nite because i've grown accustomed to shooting the breeze into the wee hours of the nite when neither of us were occupied. only now she's overwhelemed. buried in work. trying to prove herself just to earn her stay. trying to prove to herself that she can do it well. and when our friends shoul dbe embracing her they leave her rolling down the hill. increasing the size of the ball she's buried under and the bubble she's isolated in. i can't do anything about this. nothing. my friend is hurting and i can't fix it. the MOCHA party this wkend was supposed to be a crazy wild gathering. crazy and wild it was. a gathering it began as. how it ended i can't describe. there was drinking. evryone, except for a few--five to be exact--was blasted or close to it. we had the loud drunks, the quiet ones, the sneaky ones, the rowdy ones and my friends. it caused lapses in judgement, harsh words, slight violence disgusied as assertion, and hurt feelings. she and i and another friend sat in the mud for hours fighting and listening to this person pour her heart out in drunkenness. i'velet her down and if she succeeds this time at attempting to take her life i just might take mine. well. i'm getting kicked outta the library. so ill brign back these emotions another time. for now im stuffing them back into the box where they were repressed. probably not good. toodles.