(no subject)
Today I had a wake up call. I had a meltdown this morning. I'm a mess and it's hard having little to no support. I felt so alone, so miserable. I wanted to just give up. Then my mom called and told me that her friend's husband attempted suicide and is going off life support this saturday. He has two kids, one of whom broke down in the hospital, yelling at him for being a terrible father (he was very abusive). MY thoughts and prayers are with that family.
I don't want my family crying over me, but if it were up to me, I dunno. I just know that I don't want to put my mom through that. But the path I'm taking now is so self-destructive... I miss feeling like I'm making a difference. I'm going to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity for spring break and I'm really excited about it... but it's the first time I've done community service since god knows how long. I'll admit it, I feel like a lot of my classes are bullshit. I like design but I don't think it's good enough anymore. Am I really spending all my time working with type size and coloring and not working with people and helping my community? I don't care if that sounds conceited or obnoxious, it's how I feel. I'm sick of people sucking up to the teacher, over-fucking-acheivers... I mean I feel so stupid, like I can't do anything right. Nothing I do is good enough. It seems the only time that I don't feel so worthless is when I'm working with other people, like in City Year. Selfishly, I felt better knowing I was doing something worthwhile with my time. But I also get to see a world where some people REALLY struggle. I want to help and I feel thankful for what I have.
But not now. Everything and everyone is full of shit.
I don't want my family crying over me, but if it were up to me, I dunno. I just know that I don't want to put my mom through that. But the path I'm taking now is so self-destructive... I miss feeling like I'm making a difference. I'm going to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity for spring break and I'm really excited about it... but it's the first time I've done community service since god knows how long. I'll admit it, I feel like a lot of my classes are bullshit. I like design but I don't think it's good enough anymore. Am I really spending all my time working with type size and coloring and not working with people and helping my community? I don't care if that sounds conceited or obnoxious, it's how I feel. I'm sick of people sucking up to the teacher, over-fucking-acheivers... I mean I feel so stupid, like I can't do anything right. Nothing I do is good enough. It seems the only time that I don't feel so worthless is when I'm working with other people, like in City Year. Selfishly, I felt better knowing I was doing something worthwhile with my time. But I also get to see a world where some people REALLY struggle. I want to help and I feel thankful for what I have.
But not now. Everything and everyone is full of shit.