Once every couple of months, there comes a time like this...
I'm overemotional about everything and I know it, but this is LJ, Land of Angst, so here I am.
Just yesterday, after the Dean's Honour Roll Brunch, I was commenting on how jaded I now am about the importance of academic achievement, and how offended I was by the "Brunch of the Best" comments that Dean Houston was making during his speechifying. Then, today, I receive confirmation that I'm doing just as poorly in at least one of my classes as I was secretly dreading, and I'm falling apart.
My name is Vanessa and I'm a freakin' hypocrite.
I'm not sure which problem is worse- the fact that I have no time to fix anything and actually do schoolwork, or the fact that I only care when the marks come back, and not while I'm in the actual process. It's not like it's RA work or something that's interfering with my time- I'm behind in that too. I'm not programming enough, there's already no community on the floor, they're already tuning out and not listening to information, and they don't think of me as an authority figure. So it's not them that's occupying my time.
I knew my work was getting worse ages ago, and just didn't have the heart or energy to correct it on time. It's all reflective, it's all personal, and I think I'm putting blocks up to stop myself from thinking about that sort of thing too deeply. Having my entire semester composed of these sorts of classes is killing me. If I could just memorize things and write factually-based essays, I'd be a straight-A student again, because I kick ass at that stuff. But classes based entirely on me, when I've never been content with myself? Everything is falling to shambles.
Now I'm off to another class to do another mediocre presentation that I know I didn't put enough effort into. I just want to run away from it all, and hide somewhere, but there's too much riding on absolutely every breath I take to be able to do that.
(And the people constantly MSNing me for homework help need to stop, especially when I'm in the "I have no confidence in my abilities state. SERIOUSLY.)
Just yesterday, after the Dean's Honour Roll Brunch, I was commenting on how jaded I now am about the importance of academic achievement, and how offended I was by the "Brunch of the Best" comments that Dean Houston was making during his speechifying. Then, today, I receive confirmation that I'm doing just as poorly in at least one of my classes as I was secretly dreading, and I'm falling apart.
My name is Vanessa and I'm a freakin' hypocrite.
I'm not sure which problem is worse- the fact that I have no time to fix anything and actually do schoolwork, or the fact that I only care when the marks come back, and not while I'm in the actual process. It's not like it's RA work or something that's interfering with my time- I'm behind in that too. I'm not programming enough, there's already no community on the floor, they're already tuning out and not listening to information, and they don't think of me as an authority figure. So it's not them that's occupying my time.
I knew my work was getting worse ages ago, and just didn't have the heart or energy to correct it on time. It's all reflective, it's all personal, and I think I'm putting blocks up to stop myself from thinking about that sort of thing too deeply. Having my entire semester composed of these sorts of classes is killing me. If I could just memorize things and write factually-based essays, I'd be a straight-A student again, because I kick ass at that stuff. But classes based entirely on me, when I've never been content with myself? Everything is falling to shambles.
Now I'm off to another class to do another mediocre presentation that I know I didn't put enough effort into. I just want to run away from it all, and hide somewhere, but there's too much riding on absolutely every breath I take to be able to do that.
(And the people constantly MSNing me for homework help need to stop, especially when I'm in the "I have no confidence in my abilities state. SERIOUSLY.)