this will take me a while...
DAMN IT TO HELL AND BACK.
what in God's awful hell is WRONG with me? i cannot believe how incredibly stupid i can be. i don't deserve him at all. no wonder things always end the way they do. i could strangle myself. This is just about the stupidest thing I have ever done. Which is saying something. I feel like I'm 15 again. I'm sick and bloody tired of everything being my own damn fault.
Journal entry, 15 January 2003
How the fuck is it that I pretend I'm so damn grown up and responsible all the time? Cause I'm so not! I'm just me...a loser who cries too much and drinks too much and dreams about dying her hair blue while drawing all over herself with a sharpie marker. I don't even know who I am sometimes...I'm tired, I'm lost and alone and the one person who I feel can hold my hand through the darkness of today and be the other part of me that makes me feel like I can get through it all because we're together is miles away. I'm tired, lonely, feeling stupid and worthless, and have a humongous headache. I wanted to be something better, but I really am nothing special. I'm just another sarcastic loser trying to make excuses for being too lazy to be good at anything. Again, I know I'm mediocre. FUCK I'm wandering in circles. This is the exact same shit I went over last year. I'm just an ok student, musician, friend, daughter, girlfriend...IT'S SO DAMN FRUSTRATING. I'm good at being lazy and boring and pointless. I blend in. Maybe now that I realize I can't be one of them, maybe I should get good at being me. I guess I'm not meant to be that. But FUCK then why do I still want to be? And why does it feel like I can't get any fucking where? I have a new life, new goals, and still everything else is still the fucking same. What have I done this year, absofuckinglutely NOTHING. I haven't gotten healthier or fixed old friendships or erased bad habits. I'm still the same stupid sucker I was when I was 14, I am absolutely no better...I'm the same worthless dumbass kid I was and will be. I didn't do anything special all these years, it's just a wasted, procrastinated blur. I'm as much as a fucking waste of space as all of them. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE SOMEONE?? WHY CAN'T I DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE? Am I doomed to just drift off into oblivion while I write fucking sharpie letters to myself in the middle of the night? My head hurts. Please God, can't you make me change? Can't you make me do something for once, actually become more than what I'm doomed to be as long as I keep changing everything except myself? Please God, just make it all go away.
My life is so repetitious, it is sickening.
what in God's awful hell is WRONG with me? i cannot believe how incredibly stupid i can be. i don't deserve him at all. no wonder things always end the way they do. i could strangle myself. This is just about the stupidest thing I have ever done. Which is saying something. I feel like I'm 15 again. I'm sick and bloody tired of everything being my own damn fault.
Journal entry, 15 January 2003
How the fuck is it that I pretend I'm so damn grown up and responsible all the time? Cause I'm so not! I'm just me...a loser who cries too much and drinks too much and dreams about dying her hair blue while drawing all over herself with a sharpie marker. I don't even know who I am sometimes...I'm tired, I'm lost and alone and the one person who I feel can hold my hand through the darkness of today and be the other part of me that makes me feel like I can get through it all because we're together is miles away. I'm tired, lonely, feeling stupid and worthless, and have a humongous headache. I wanted to be something better, but I really am nothing special. I'm just another sarcastic loser trying to make excuses for being too lazy to be good at anything. Again, I know I'm mediocre. FUCK I'm wandering in circles. This is the exact same shit I went over last year. I'm just an ok student, musician, friend, daughter, girlfriend...IT'S SO DAMN FRUSTRATING. I'm good at being lazy and boring and pointless. I blend in. Maybe now that I realize I can't be one of them, maybe I should get good at being me. I guess I'm not meant to be that. But FUCK then why do I still want to be? And why does it feel like I can't get any fucking where? I have a new life, new goals, and still everything else is still the fucking same. What have I done this year, absofuckinglutely NOTHING. I haven't gotten healthier or fixed old friendships or erased bad habits. I'm still the same stupid sucker I was when I was 14, I am absolutely no better...I'm the same worthless dumbass kid I was and will be. I didn't do anything special all these years, it's just a wasted, procrastinated blur. I'm as much as a fucking waste of space as all of them. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE SOMEONE?? WHY CAN'T I DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE? Am I doomed to just drift off into oblivion while I write fucking sharpie letters to myself in the middle of the night? My head hurts. Please God, can't you make me change? Can't you make me do something for once, actually become more than what I'm doomed to be as long as I keep changing everything except myself? Please God, just make it all go away.
My life is so repetitious, it is sickening.