(no subject)
Being home sucks. It's true that technically I am never really home besides to sleep, but I would still be much happier crawling into bed without that "this bed is way to big" feeling. It makes since to keep things as they are right now since my scheduel typically runs 0830-2330 everyday and his runs 0700-1230, but I am hopeing April will go by fast. I still haven't heard back from any of my colleges. There were delays in some transcripts since 1/2 of the colleges I applied to sent my transcipts back due to conflicting name issues, but I am still getting fuzzled by all the waiting. I just need to know where I will be. I need to know how to build my life around of school before I try to form a new home life. There are so many things I want to do with my life. I am still determined to try to keep my life goals as seperate from my relationship life, but I know this will be a difficult thing for him to understand. I just figure if it's going to work long term than a couple years away shouldn't be an issue for him. Of course it will affect me, it's not like I will just cut him off or run away, I will just be focusing on a goal that in the long run will help support and strengthen our homefront. As you can probably tell, I'm having a lot of internal conflict lately. I'm getting into that fleeting stage as I reach the one month mark. Not fleeting as in I don't care for this man, but fleeting as in I'm afriad to lose myself in this. ok, fleeting is a totally bad word choice thaere, I'm not goign anywhere, but I keep reaching out for him to take a more progressive initiative in realtionship roles, but I feel as if I am getting to the point where I want to shape him instead of letting him shape me. That's not so much going to work very well. I need black and white guidlines and all I am seeing is gray. I know the whole surgery thing brought apart a completely intense dynamic to a new relationship, but I'm starting to get a little edgy about it. It's starting to feel too vanilla for my taste. As I look into the past year I realize just how much of a sadist I have become and I don't want to lose that. I am also completely aware of how my tendencies have rolled inward towards myself and would like to intrust the responsibility of this to him. Simply put: I want to let myself go while still holding on to my goals and values. I just haven't figured out exactly how to do that yet. This is a learning process. Now all I need to do if figure out how to get him to teach me.