Special Ed
As far back as I can remember I have been in special education of some sort. Ive always struggled to keep up with my peers. Developmentally I am stunted which causes me no end of shame. Its actually quite apparent to anyone observing my actual mental age, all you have to do is factor the age of the majority of the people I hang out with and you will have it. I think its really amazing though that teachers pick up on LD after children do. I was called stupid by my classmates before I was ever diagnosed with any kind of learning disability because children pick up on differences faster than adults. Id say that the majority of people in this world think that a learning disability is just someone being lazy (I see this attitude among classroom teachers constantly) by why would a child be "lazy" when it costs them so much extra grief and work. So I got through school, my grades were never spectacular but I made it. I have a special hatred for those who would use LD as an excuse or a way to get pity, being different doesn't mean people have to bend over backward for you. Being different just means you have to work harder than everyone else for the same result. There are ways around this of course, medication or a more popular one mooching off the stupidity of the masses. Getting all the free handouts you can find. Some people really do need extra help, but the fact is most places give out help in the wrong way. For instance, extra time on tests. I finish every test way ahead of everyone else. I have learned that if I don't focus only on the test, then it wont get done. Of course the real problem is trying to fit in, that is where the deficit is the most pronounced. Lets face it, school is a rather simple idea, work hard and let people see you working hard and you can get at least a C. The majority of people in charge are C students and college drop outs, so its not that bad. I think its odd though, when it comes to the social interaction THATS when the differences show, and thats where you don't get any help at all. Even here on the internet you are constantly fed a steady stream of belittling shit. "You need to learn how to spell!""your sentences don't make any sense." thus people can dismiss your argument when they are loosing due to your apparent lack of intelligence. For some reason people think that knowing how to spell = intelligence. Well lemme tell you I have met a few savants in my time being able to spell means jack shit. But thats not the only place where you notice these kind of things, you always feel so small, everyone else your age is so far ahead of you. I decided to do Com Col and it took me longer than it takes your average person to complete real college. It of course was not so much a choice and more a bitter reality, I am just not college material. But I have a trump card that most people don't have, I got it from my mother. I have a very large vocabulary, if you know me from live journal only this will sound strange because I don't use it here, I simply can't spell as many words as I can say. The great thing about this is that you can sound so much smarter than you actually are. Its a lot like the spelling on the internet, use proper sentence structure some good spelling, and everyone thinks you are a friggin genius. Once again its never as simple as all that, it doesn't take people too long to realize your true level of intelligence then you go from Einstein to dumb ass. Of course the actions speak louder than words ever could. If I was as smart as I people tend to think then why haven't I graduated? If I am so damn smart then why am I going into education? If I am so damn smart why am I barely a C student? Of course there are enough culture zombies willing to vomit PC reteric( I realize that is spelled wrong but the spell check can't seem to figure out what it is.)Everyone goes at a different pace, your intelligence is based on more than just grades. Well I want to change all the shit out of that PC diaper. I have met a lot of people like me, they are fucking stupid. Why didn't they graduate? Because they are fucking morons and it takes them forever to learn anything. In my entire life I don't think I have ever passed anything on the first try. "Everyone learns at their own pace" Thats great and all but life is a race, you don't have forever to achieve your goals your time is limited so you have to get off your sorry ass and move. But its amazing how people think that we are so stupid that we don't notice what they are doing. So a bunch of people who are really intelligent and who are doing real things with their life like to make themselves feel good by lying to you like your fucking five. Before I go any further I want to make it very clear that I'm not talking about people who cant afford to finish because their level of education is hindered only by money and not by their inability to complete what they set out to do in a normal and timely manner. I am constantly amazed how these people really think that this baby talk is convincing! I do it all the time to kids who struggle I tell them its OK and that they can go at their own pace. But deep down I know what kind of life they are going to have to lead, and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I sit there and think about how disappointed I was when reality set in, because when you are LD people tell you that you can do great things, thats not normally the case. The exceptions to this rule are not just people like that who worked really hard, they are people who where SO smart that they couldn't learn the bullshit that was being passed off as truth. But no matter how smart someone might tell them they are, and no matter how hard you honey coat it the truth will always shine through eventually. I am a firm believer that the truth will always be reveled eventually. Of course the smart among us will always have thoughts, they will wonder if these people where put here to make them feel good about themselves. Eventually they will come to the conclusion that yes that is in fact the case. Then they will begin to show superiority, of course this is not always the case, even a caring parent will eventually talk over the head of their child. The hurt is not intentional but it is there. So then as a special Ed worker who is still special Ed himself, I find myself in a delicate situation, should I keep up the lie? I actually have no choice, its my job and I do it as I must. But the guilt is always there, you always feel bad. Because I know what its like growing up being told things that aren't true, that may be lies for self esteem or the wishful thinking of a parent. But eventually you find out and you feel lied to, and that never ever feels good. How do you prepare a kid for something like that, in a system that is made by normal people and made to slate their guilt for how they truly feel about the marginally Learning Disabled. How do you approach it as a person remembering how it felt and knowing that you are just furthering the process? Having to lie about where you are and what you do to the children so that they might have that hope, they might feel like they can do anything. Also knowing that even if they are capable, they won't get that chance, someone faster will get to it first.