Thoughtful
I think I'm going to have to go on an adventure. This sounds kinda weird but Im very serious about it, I need to do something, something new. But most importantly I need to do it by myself, fortunatly my job gives me a good amount of vacation time so Ill have to figgure out what it is. Ive been feelin kinda down lately and I couldnt figgure out what was going on. I think what it is, is that Ive never been by myself, Ive never struck out alone or accomplished anything by myself. Im happy to be engaged dont get my wrong, but I dont like the idea of being married and never having done anything by myself or by the seat of my pants. I wish my car wasnt so important to me or else Id take a cross country road trip (yes I am that serious about this) I just dont want my only purpose in life or stories in life to be about what I did with so and so I need MY adventure. It doesnt have to be a trip thats just a simple one, I could do something also. Im just having troubble thinking of what to do, I know that my church runs missions I could go on one of those, that would actually be cool. I would be able to help people AND satisfy this need. I could go help my aunt and uncle out with there feeding the poor for a week, that would be fun as well. I guess what Im getting at is I want to do something meaningful as just me. I just dont know what its like to strike out on my own, and leave behind the security of people I feel comfortable with, and put myself in some new situations. When I graduated highschool I figgured that I could do this through the millitary, but that dream was a bust, and I had to suppress that desire. I dont feel like I have ever been independant, I mean I do go places and Ive seen alot but Its never been me, its always been me and so and so never just me. I need stories that people listen too not just stories people laugh at. I want to live a different experiance I want to get out of my comfort zone I want a new experiance. Im just not happy with who I am and Im having a very difficult time accepting myself and my limitations. I dont like the idea of having to accept things, I dont want to believe that there are things that are beyond my control, that some things are the way they are and thats it. I dont want to believe that there is anything negitive in my life that isnt a product of me being lazy or undermotivated. I guess its because Ive been thinking about death alot, a wise anime once said "if you fear death then it stalks you like a wild cat, tirelessly hunting you down. But if you walk with death as your friend than it serves as a gentle reminder of how to live your life."
I could go tomarrow, its totally possable. But what would I have amounted to? I know not many people would admit it, but at a certen point wouldnt I just boil down to wasted money and effort? Who have I ever helped? Whos eyes have I ever opened? When have I ever made an impact? I want to make an impact I want to change peoples lives I want to help them. Feeding the poor seems like a good start but its not the only solution. I wouldnt mind going without for a week or so, I just want to be there and see it. I might even learn to accept myself " I felt bad because I had no shoes untill I met the man with no feet" perhaps all the feelings of guilt and self hate would just go away. Everyone is alwyas saying that helping others is the only true way to help yourself. I wonder if thats true? I have done community service, yes even when it wasnt required of me, and it did feel good. I also feel like I owe something to the world that I have yet to pay back, I feel like I have taken and not put back. Im really confused as to what I sould do right now, so any suggestions would be much appretiated. I look foreward to your responses with much anticipation.
I could go tomarrow, its totally possable. But what would I have amounted to? I know not many people would admit it, but at a certen point wouldnt I just boil down to wasted money and effort? Who have I ever helped? Whos eyes have I ever opened? When have I ever made an impact? I want to make an impact I want to change peoples lives I want to help them. Feeding the poor seems like a good start but its not the only solution. I wouldnt mind going without for a week or so, I just want to be there and see it. I might even learn to accept myself " I felt bad because I had no shoes untill I met the man with no feet" perhaps all the feelings of guilt and self hate would just go away. Everyone is alwyas saying that helping others is the only true way to help yourself. I wonder if thats true? I have done community service, yes even when it wasnt required of me, and it did feel good. I also feel like I owe something to the world that I have yet to pay back, I feel like I have taken and not put back. Im really confused as to what I sould do right now, so any suggestions would be much appretiated. I look foreward to your responses with much anticipation.