(no subject)
Title: Gods Of War
Author: artistwife
Rating: PG13
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing: Jack Others
Warnings: Spoilers for Exit Wounds and CoE
Summary: Jack returns to old friends for support after CoE
Word Count: 8073
Authors note: I borrowed the idea of the Tphan war from something I read a long time ago. Although I remember the war alas I do not remember the story or the author. However I would give credit for the idea to that person if I knew who it was.
A cloudless star spangled sky above him glistened and gleamed, but he didn’t notice as he stood on the windy hilltop and said goodbye to friends and a place he had called home for so long.
"You can't run away." Gwen said tears running down her cheeks.
"Just watch me." Jack replied as he sent a signal and was beamed up.
T’hrgg greeted him as he materialized inside the ship. A heavy hand on his shoulder and the other wrapped around and dwarfing his own as he pulled it to his breastplate in the usual welcome stance. “Welcome F’rll my brother.” the guttural language and his spoken name sounded strange to his ears after such a long absence, but he knew that it would only be a short time and it would be as he had never been away. Jack reciprocated, pulling the joined hands to his chest “I am joyful to be with you T’hrgg,” he gurgled out using the language as best he could with his human anatomy.
T’hrgg sat in the pilots seat and indicated, with a nod of his head, the seat next to him. Jack shed the coat, securing it in the proper locker and sat. The smooth Turka seat molded to fit his body. An invisible bubble of warm oxygen rich air surrounded him and soft sounds soothed him as the seat analyzed and decided what was needed to make him most comfortable. He looked to his left and gave T’hrgg the sign he was ready. The ship went into warp, and space blurred around them. It was good to feel the thrum of the engine that warped the time and space around them. He closed his eyes and focused on the half remembered sounds within his seat, letting them fill his mind, shutting out the turmoil that had so recently come to be his every moment. The sounds taking over his brain and closing out all thought. He took a deep breath and drifted into the realm of not being.
Awareness slowly rose to the surface of his mind with little bubbles of perception rising and bursting and flooding areas around them. He had forgotten how amazing this felt. As he opened his eyes and waited for his intellect and sight to return to its usual acuity. He felt the undertone of T’hrgg moving and adjusting in the seat next to him. He felt the decrease of the engine, and the mold of the seat against his body. He saw the shimmer that was space/time returning to equilibrium around him. With startling clarity he heard the Kgnddr guiding the ship into the port. The craft hooked into the port stanchion, coming to a stop unheard and unfelt by the pilot or the passenger. T’hrgg pushed a button and the teleport transported them to the main deck of the station. From there they would catch a transporter to his home.
F’rll was always a welcome guest. L’tth hummed a little tune as she made ready to receive him into her and T’hrgg’s home. L’sst her child of 6 turns was playing on the floor with his toys. R’ggt the new child lay in his small basket sleeping. It would be so pleasant to see F’rll, it had been so many turns since he was here N’tll had been a child in the basket when last they had seen him and he was now a grandfather himself twice over. She smiled in remembrance of her great grand children. It was good to have progeny that would carry her and T’hrgg’s genetics forward. There had been 67 children but alas only N’tll, L’sst and R’ggt were still here to carry the genes. She sighed and continued with her work, stirring the food as it cooked. Using her digits she wafted the savory aroma toward her olfactory glands she added a little more of the spice that gave the dish it’s distinct flavor, and then breathed deeply of the heady fragrance. It was F’rll’s favorite dish and she wanted it to be just right to welcome him back to the fold of G'ffl's embrace.
The chime sounded that heralded her mate’s entrance into the home. She rushed to the corridor to greet them. First her mate, met with a warm touching of her lesser sexual organ to his and then to F’rll a clasping of her hand to his and drawn to her breastplate. She noted his smile although sweet was not quite as expansive as the old F’rll smile. Something in his eyes showed a profound sadness and despair. “May the goddess G’ffl embrace you and hold you to her heart.” She murmured.
Jack pulled her hand back to his chest, “In this home she abides.” He said, the formal words flooding him through with memories of the wonderful times he had spent with this family.
“Come, divest yourself of your outer layers and sit at our table. I have prepared grdrr for your delight. I think I have remembered perfectly how you like it. Removing his coat he hung it on the device by the door and then lined his shoes up under the coat, it all felt so familiar to him as though he had been here yesterday not over a hundred years. He sat at the eating board next to the silent and staring L’sst. “Hi my name is F’rll what is your T'rln name?” He asked the child who looked to be about 6 or 7 if Jack remembered right. The child looked at him, its eyes sitting close on their small stalks in some consternation. “L’sst, please answer” his mother said as she reached and tapped on his breastplate. The child put forth his hand and taking Jack’s pulled it to his breastplate and said. “L’sst. 35th son of T’hrgg and L’tth brother to N’tll and R’ggt welcomes you in the name of T’rln.” He said most solemnly. Jack pulled his small hand to his chest and just as solemnly said, “I feel most welcomed by L’sst on behalf of the God T’rln. I am different from you because I come from a far away place. My species is human.”
“Oh” the child said “hurdum”
“No” his father corrected. “F’rll is human.” The child, recognizing the word when spoken by his father’s more perfect accent, nodded. “Human” he said, and made the sign that passed for a smile on this world.
They chatted as they ate. T’hrgg and L’tth regaled him with tales of the war and an uprising, to bring an end to the war, that had occurred since he had last visited them. They told him of the family that had died such honorable deaths that no sadness was possible. They proudly told of the grandchildren that were carrying the genes forward. L’sst interjected where he could. Jack remembered fondly, other meals that had gone on like this. Everyone was talking and telling their stories. He told his own story of the world where he had spent so many turns of his life, of the people he had loved there. He was not yet in the place where his heart could let go of the pain that his sacrifices had caused so could not speak of his progeny; nor of the partner he had loved so dearly and lost through his own arrogance. It was all too close, all too painful. He admired so much how this species could let go with such ease and feel such pride for those who had been lost to battle. He knew his psyche could not withstand that yet. He complimented L’tth on the delicious grdrr and it was indeed perfectly prepared to his taste. The olfactory and taste memory sprang out at him, and flooded his brain with love and peace. This was the right place to come at this time. No other place he had ever been was as full of good memory as this. These people, this home, would heal and renew him like nothing else could. Here he could feel without having to explain, they would accept him just as he was and when they felt his heartbreak they would gather to share it and move it into the realm of dream and memory to be set in his heart without the agony of loss. He breathed deeply of the atmosphere and let out a sigh that said more than words could express.
After the meal was cleared away Jack played a game of t’nnds with L’sst. It was a complex game that required Jack to concentrate fully on what was going on. He played well but L’sst won. He was a fierce competitor and would someday make a fine warrior. As Jack and L’sst played, T’hrgg and L’tth danced around the floor lost in each other. The music surrounded the small family with warmth and joy, soothing away any care that might beset them.
“It is sleep period L’sst” L’tth said picking up the baby and taking the hand of the older child she exited the room. There were no calls of goodnight it was not considered good form for the young to announce they were leaving.
T’hrgg prepared the sleep period drink for the adults and awaited the return of his mate before offering it. Jack remembered it as being smooth going down and helping to induce sleep for a people who needed to sleep often in the heat of battle or the midst of death. Their lives were so hard and yet they cherished every second. There was no time wasted on regret or anger. When L’tth returned they sat and sipped the drink slowly. Jack began to talk a little of where he had been. Not the usual brashness that he spent a lifetime perfecting. Now was the time for truth and feeling. He spoke now of the Doctor and his time with him and Rose. He told of being abandoned on the game station, his subsequent hop to earth and the complete devastation he had felt when he learned he could not die. As he spoke T’hrgg and L’tth moved in close enough so they were both touching him with the soft tendrils that extended from the fleshy digits on their hands. As they moved the tendrils over his face and his chest he felt the pain of memories of this time diminish as the empathic nature of these creatures shared in his feelings and diffused them through their combined memories, culling the painful away from the joyful and then returning them to him with the sharp cutting edges somehow smoothed as though a vast amount of time had gone by. He still retained the perfect memory of the Game Station and his ultimate abandonment but no pain remained around the memory. Instead of the pain he had associated with it, there was a feeling of joy that he had known these remarkable people and a kind of pride that he had been able to eventually find the Doctor again and had redeemed himself. He breathed in a sigh of relief and reached out to embrace T'hrgg and L’tth to him.
“I am forever grateful for your friendship and love.” He said, emotion flooding his voice.
“We are always willing to provide you with both.” T’hrgg said with a smile, “I will show you to your sleep area.” He added as he moved off down a corridor.”
“Rest well in the arms of G’fll.” L’tth said as she held his hand against her breastplate.
“G’fll fills your home with peace.” He replied to her pulling her hand to his chest. He leaned down for a moment and brushed a kiss over the scaly plates on her head and followed her husband down the corridor. At the entrance to a chamber T’hrgg indicated this would be where he would sleep. He pulled T’hrgg into a tight hug his eyes shone with tears.
“Thank you for what you have done for me this night.”
“Heal my friend. After the sleep we will address the other pains that torment you.”
He entered the chamber and changed into the soft garment that had been left there for him, and climbed into the sleep pod. His mind let go of his grief and self hate and he drifted in an ocean of quiet and peace for the first time in many years.
He awoke feeling refreshed, if he had dreamed he did not remember it. This had been the first time he had slept without nightmares in a long time. He bathed in the pool of heated water that was in every dwelling on Tphandul. The Tphan used it mostly to soak when they were molting. For cleansing they preferred the quick cleaning brushes and powder of the amtul shower. Jack preferred water; his human skin was a little too fragile for the other method. He forsook his usual attire for the voluminous trousers and shirt made of a silken fabric. The softness against his skin again filling his mind with memories of the many times he had come here for solace and healing.
He had been a young man of seventeen when he first had encountered the Tphan. An admiral, who had also recommended him to the Space Academy, had sent him to Tphandul. He was recuperating after escaping from a prison ship where he had been forced to watch his best friend tortured to death by an enemy force they had been fighting as mercenaries. Gregor had died a gruesome death and Jack felt fully responsible. His soul and his body had both been scarred considerably by the experience and although the scars on his body were removed the emotional scars lingered on with heartbreaking consequences. On his arrival at Tphandul, he had been taken into the home of T’hrgg and L’tth. The first thing they had done was to give him a T’rln name. The name was given in a ceremony in which the God T’rln, who was the God of Heroes, was asked to bestow all the attributes of hero on the participating male. After receiving his name, F'rll, meaning ‘warrior dragon’, Jack was taken to a room where T’hrgg and L’tth had asked him questions about his experiences. While he related his story the two Tphan empaths gently fondled his face and chest with their tendrils and the result was that his exquisite pain had been softened to a dim memory, at the same time, the pride he had felt at becoming a warrior and his subsequent escape from his captors with information, that proved important and ultimately won the war, was enhanced and brought to the fore of his memory. The whole ordeal was remembered as more glorious than painful. The end result left him feeling like he had been cleansed of something dirty that could never quite capture him again.
Since that time Jack had returned to Tphandul whenever he had needed and through the years had deepened his friendship with T’hrgg and L’tth learning their language and their culture. He was always welcomed warmly into their home and kept in touch when he was away. He knew the names of all their children and the circumstances of their ultimate fates in the war that had been waged for the last thousand years. A war where the enemy was never truly understood or known, the Tphan had been at war for so many lifetimes it really made no sense anymore but then war rarely made sense. They fought in an area where time had been warped into almost nothingness. They never saw their enemy they only knew that they were never to be allowed to step further. It was a stalemate but the Tphan continued to lose the lives of their young men and women. The Tphan, if not killed in the war, were a long-lived warrior race. Warriors, because an unresolved war required them to be so; but more than that, they were a race that mated for life and had huge families, most of whom died on the battlefield of nothingness. They were good souls and Jack had often wondered at this useless war they constantly waged where neither side could move forward nor it seemed retreat. He had never gone to the front line but he had heard many stories of the devastating and sometimes debilitating conditions there. Here, far removed from the war front, life went on in a normal fashion. As time did not exist at the front, warriors sent there did not age and if they were wounded, their wounds would not heal. They were rotated out if wounded or after two turns. Death came swiftly out of the haze that covered the other side. The enemy they could neither see nor communicate with could destroy them with lances of rays that would vaporize anything they touched into its component sub atomic particles. They themselves had death rays, which inflicted the same on their enemy, in their arsenal. At one time the Tphan had been working on a contraption to capture these particles and reinstate them in order to retrieve the one who had died. Sadly the particles where so scattered by the ray that it was not possible to capture all of them, so thousands of Tphan died every turn of the planet around its star. Because of their empathic abilities, each adult Tphan felt the death of warriors who died on the battlefield. The children were shielded from this particular horror, as their full empathic ability did not appear until seventeen turns of age. Jack had pondered once, if the children had been as affected by the deaths as the adults were, would they not have stopped the madness of this war a long time ago. He remembered how S’nnr one of T’hrgg’s sons had reacted when he first felt the loss of a warrior. He started to scream a high-pitched terrified sound and his parents had rushed to him and between them soothed and cajoled him into a state where the pain could be managed. This happened again and again throughout a week he was there, until the boy could contain it himself. A few short weeks after he had mastered his fear and pain, he himself was sent off to the war. It was only a matter of months before he was also a casualty of the thing. It was a horrendous price to pay, Jack had thought at the time, but the Tphan believed it was a necessary evil and so it continued from the mists of time into the mists of the future. Jack being a warrior himself, understood war and the pain of a necessary loss, but he could not imagine what it would be like to feel the death of every warrior or battle an unseen and unknown adversary.
Jack sat down at the table and accepted the bowl of food he was given. L’tth smiled at him.
“It is good for remembering.” She said. “It will help you to remember more perfectly so we can clear your memory more perfectly.” Jack pushed the bowl away. “I remember perfectly enough for now. Some of these memories I can’t bring myself to speak of yet.” The pain of his losses clutched at his gut and he felt the nausea rise in his throat. He controlled himself, it would not do at all for L’tth to see the true agony he was in. It was not in her nature to see him chew his own innards up with this tortuous misery. Yet he felt that he wanted to hang on to the memories of Stephen and Ianto. He didn’t know if he was punishing himself or if he just didn’t want this put in a perspective where it felt so far removed from him. He wanted to hold Stephen and Ianto close to him still, and this pain he felt kept them close and real. They had been a huge part of his being and he had cavalierly ended both their lives. His logic told him otherwise, but his heart held him personally responsible. He had gone over it thousands of times what could he have done to save one or the other of them. He never was able to come up with a viable answer. He could have told Ianto to stand down when he went to confront the 456 but he knew in his heart that Ianto would never have forgiven him for that. As for Stephen, there was no substitute he could have used and it was a matter of millions of lives saved from the unimaginable imprisonment of the 456. His heart broke again as he rethought his options. L’tth watched his eyes fill with pain, his whole demeanor crashing around her. She leaned forward and placed her digits on his chest.
“F’rll, F’rll beloved of T’rln, you cannot allow this to destroy you. You must let me help you. Please let me ease some of this from you. Jack collapsed forward onto her seated body resting his head on the scaly shelf of her bent legs.
“I can’t!” He cried. “How can I let you take this from me when I so richly deserve it.” He dissolved into tears sobbing against her. “I came here to heal but I see that I should never forget this lesson. I can’t let it go. I thought it would be all right to forget but it won’t. It won’t!”
“Of what value is the memory of this thing?” L’tth asked tenderly as she stroked his hair.
“I cannot forget that it was my own arrogance that killed them.” Jack whispered.
“Is this the same arrogance that you thought had killed Gregor and Astran and Tam Es?” She whispered back.
“Yes, yes.” He yelled at her. “If I had not forgotten that, I would have found another way this time. Don’t you understand?”
She felt the rawness of his wounded soul and wanted to take him into her mind and calm him, but L’tth knew that she was not strong enough, by herself, to encompass this pain, whatever it was. She stroked his hair and let him cry himself out. When he had regained control she pushed him upright and rose to prepare him another bowl. At that time L’sst came into the room and she prepared him food also. L’sst sat next to him as they ate. Watching Jack eat was quite fascinating to the youngster. The Tphan ingested their food by drawing it through a tube like protrusion through which they sucked the food. To L’sst, who had never seen a human before, Jack holding the bowl up to his lips and pouring the food into his mouth a little at a time was the most interesting thing he had ever encountered in his young and sheltered life.
“Why do you not use your lgur?” the child asked.
“I don’t have one.” Jack replied
“Why?”
“Because I am not Tphan, and only Tphan have a lgur.” Jack patiently explained.
“You look so sad. Is it because you do not have a lgur?” L’sst enquired looking solemnly at Jack.
“No. I am sad because I had a little one, much like you, and he died.” Jack was amazed that this had come out of his mouth so easily. The emotion revolving around the loss of Stephen had tormented him day and night and usually he couldn’t even bring him to mind without the agony of the circumstance of his death driving him into a deep depression. He had not spoken of him or his sacrifice since the day it had occurred. He had tried to block it from his mind as much as possible, but the innocent question had pulled it from him with the resultant answer coming out as if it were a normal conversation.
“Was it an honorable death?” The child asked his eyes centering on Jack’s face. Jack considered the question for several moments.
“Yes it was an honorable death.” Jack replied his throat constricting now with the memory.
“Then you shouldn’t grieve. You should be proud.” L’sst’s outlook on life and death was tempered by the buffering that his parents afforded him, and his family’s acceptance of the losses they suffered. When spoken of it was only the glory, bestowed upon those who had given their lives in the war, which was expressed. He could not understand why there would be sadness over an honorable death.
“You are probably right,” Jack said, “but right now I am sad and that is why I came here. You and T’hrgg and L’tth can help me to feel proud instead of sad.” The child sighed and Jack could see that he had relaxed. Although it was beyond his understanding at his young age, L’sst had felt the tension around the conversation he had with F’rll. His empathic nature, to some extent, feeling the anxiety and pain that had surrounded the subject, he was now able to feel a
lessening of Jack’s anxiety. L’tth entered the room carrying the baby R’ggt. She held him in her arms and began to feed him her predigested food. She thought that F’rll was looking better; she felt around him the lessening of his former rage and self- loathing. She also felt a difference in L’sst; it took a while to understand what it was because it was new to his experience. Eventually she pinpointed the feeling. He had done something very difficult and had not surrendered to it. It had something to do with F’rll but she was confused in her lack of understanding of it. Something had passed between them while she was attending the baby, something important, but what that could be she could not guess.
Jack went to the comfort chamber to sort out his feelings. The comfort chamber was a staple of every Tphan home. It was a small room one wall of which was a large screen that chose scenes that were pleasing to the eye of several species. Jack dialed in his home world and random scenes of his home appeared and disappeared. He sat cross-legged on the floor and gazed at the changing panorama of the world he had left so long ago. He yearned to change the setting to reflect Earth but he felt he would not yet be able to control the feelings that might bring up, and he desperately needed to feel he was in control. He thought about all that had happened to him since the last time he had been on Tphandul. The painful deaths he had passed through, the emptiness he found in death, the thing that moved in the dark. He dwelt on his brother. Gray, whom he had lost and regained, only to have him punish him so cruelly. His mind reeled at the remembrance of his brother. He had been overjoyed to see his brother striding toward him. The child now a man his handsome face flashed in Jack’s mind. Oh Gray why did it have to end in such a tragedy? I loved you so. He had preserved Gray in a cryo chamber in the hub, but the hub and Gray were no more. He dwelt on his imprisonment in the earth of Cardiff for 2000 years. He felt once again the musty dirt filling his nostrils and mouth as John piled soil into his grave. He dwelt for a few moments on his rescue by Edward and Elspeth and then the long night of his time in the cryo unit until time caught up with him. His heart ached as he remembered his beloved Toshiko lying in a pool of her own blood on the medical bay floor. How he had held her close to him as she shuddered through her last breaths. Owen his surly, drunken, beloved Owen, who he had cursed with a curse worse than his own because he couldn’t bear to part with him. He finally found his rest in the melt down of the nuclear reactor he had died saving the world. He next dwelt on the Master. The total agony he had suffered with him. The Master could bring about the most exquisite pain of body but he could never subjugate his mind. In the end the whole thing had been wiped away. He pushed on as the screen flickered its images and soft music calmed his mind. Familiar and cleansing scents lingered in the air helping him to stay calm while he relived the agony that his life had been. His mind brushed lightly on his last death the one that he had shared with Ianto. He remembered his anguished cry and Ianto’s acceptance of his own death. He touched his fingers to his lips feeling, once again, the last kiss they had shared. His eyes filled with tears and for the thousandth time he cursed himself for a fool to have taken Ianto into that situation. He cast his mind back to the three years that they had spent together. The solace that Ianto afforded him and the unconditional love he had so willingly given. He relived for a while the joy he had found with Ianto; the snarky comments, the hot coffee, the warm kisses and the tussles they often had prior to making love. He could feel Ianto’s hands as they brushed over his shoulders after settling his coat on them. He tasted, once again the unique flavor of his mouth as he dipped his tongue in the warmth of it. He could feel the hard muscles of the man under him moving against him. He saw so clearly the handsome face, blue eyes wide and focused on him as Ianto emptied himself into him. Then he remembered the small form of Stephen as he shook on that platform as he saved millions of children from enslavement that was worse than death. He trusted Jack and Jack had killed him. Jack had stolen his life and had destroyed his mother because he couldn’t think of another way. From deep within him the ache blossomed and he let out a sob and collapsed down to lay prostrate on the floor. He decided he would cease to struggle against it all. He lay still against the soft floor covering being held and protected by the room as it cocooned him in a soothing comfort of pleasant sensations. He knew that he could bear no more. He understood now that his decision to come here, to this planet was the correct one. All the pain, anger and guilt that lay on his soul was a burden he could no longer carry and be able to function in any human way. He rose from his prone position and left the room deciding on a path of action. He donned his own clothes and shrugging his great coat over his shoulders he sought out L’tth and T’hrgg.
“Thank you for all that you have done for me.” He said pulling them both into his warm embrace. “I think I will be all right now though.”
“Are you leaving?” L’tth asked noticing his attire. The pain in her eyes was plain to see.
“I’m going out for a little while.” He replied not looking into her eyes. L’tth pulled his hand to her breastplate “May T’rln and G’ffl walk with you and give you solace.” He bent and kissed her gently on the bony plates of her head and uttered.
“I will be fine.”
As he left L’tth turned to her mate. “He is far from fine. Did you not feel it?”
“Yes.” T’hrgg replied, “But there is nothing to be done, he must find his own way. I am sure he will return here and let us remove this pain. Let him have his pain for now it seems important that he feel it.” L’tth was of the same mind. She had sensed in F’rll a strength she had not felt on this visit. Almost like the old F’rll. A determination had sprung up within him. It was surrounded by sadness, but that was to be expected. He was carrying a burden he had been unable to put down. She hoped he would feel better when he came back.
Jack caught a transporter to the space station and then wandered casually down to the ship where the troops were amassing. There was no camouflaging his conspicuousness so he walked up to the officer in charge and explained he needed, as part of the therapy to go to the front and observe. The officer, seeing him as a frail human who would not survive the trip agreed to let him ride in the troopship. He embarked with the group talking to no one. He sat in the furthest area of the ship away from the others. He did not want to get into a conversation about his motives or how this would help with his therapy and he wasn’t sure how his human body would react to the troopship. The ship moved smoothly from the station and warped into hyperspace. There was no Turka seat to cocoon him from the forces his body would endure while they moved through hyperspace. As they progressed he felt the first compression of time on his body. The Tphan warriors took it all in stride. This ship was built for their anatomical comfort. Another compression of time occurred. It made his whole body feel like it was in a vice. He could not breathe. He collapsed against the bulkhead and quietly died.
When the ship docked he revived with a gasp. None paid attention. The troops gathered their gear and resolutely marched off the ship. He followed, feeling the pressure and disorientation of the area where time was compressed to almost nothing. Stepping from the ship he surveyed the surroundings as best he could. The area was murky and shimmered with a strange motion. Waves of light and dark followed each other at a dizzying pace. He felt like he might vomit. Thankfully his stomach was empty so there was only the nausea to contend with. There were six massive buildings within his sight. From far away he noticed a steady whine and flashes of brilliant light. That must be the frontline. Conveyances of various kinds moved back a forth. The troops were loaded up and moved away toward one of the buildings. Through the thick murk he discerned a flyer sitting idle. No one challenged him as he moved to commandeer it. He followed a line of sledges toward the fighting zone. He was not sure what he would be able to do once he got there. They stopped at a low building close to where he could see the lights. The noise here was almost unbearable, a high-pitched whine that never stopped assaulted his ears and his brain. He went past the building where the warriors had been off loaded. There was nothing to see. The murk had thickened to a point where it was almost palpable and there was a smell in the air that outdid any battlefield Jack had ever fought on. His throat and eyes burned with the acrid smell. His stomach revolted at the thought of what he was breathing. A thousand years of sub-atomic particles that were mixed and moved around by the convection of warriors and their weaponry being atomized. Yes, this was the place for him. He would never revive from this, there was no next moment here. He would stay dead. His feeling of relief was immense. He grieved once more for all he had lost. This was it. He brought the flyer to a halt and stood on the scorched ground. He would just stand here and let it happen. Just to his right and left flashes occurred but nothing touched him. He moved closer in, he could see several young warriors. They raised their weapons and fired. Almost instantaneously a returning volley from the other side arrived. Two of them vaporized the third had dropped and rolled as he fired and thus the returning blaze went over his head and to his right. Jack walked through the line unhurt. He saw again and again the deadly accuracy of the enemy and the only thing that saved these warriors was to drop and roll as they fired so they were not in the same place they fired from when the volley was returned. The enemy had unerring aim, and he saw many young warriors go out in a blink of an eye. He sat on the bare ground and watched the war unfold around him. At no time did the enemy fire at him. Maybe because he was human he didn’t show up on their radar. He sat in thought for a while. Suddenly it hit him. A theory he remembered from his space agency days. No one had ever been able to prove it. He picked up a rock and threw it toward the line. Almost immediately the rock came back and hit him. He scrambled toward the flyer. He had to get back to Tphandul. This war could be stopped today. He flew back toward the buildings and once there looked for a ship that was being loaded with wounded.
The trip back was easier on him as hyperspace expanded. When the ship docked he didn’t wait for the medics to carry off the wounded, he sped past them and caught the first transport he could. He arrived back at T’hrgg’s home ten days after he had left. As he came through the door, T’hrgg greeted him with a hearty welcome. L’tth and L’sst came to see him as soon as they heard his voice.
“Where were you,” L’tth asked. “We looked everywhere.” We thought we had lost you forever.”
“I need to talk to you both.” Jack replied. “Can we go to the comfort chamber?”
T’hrgg led the way while L’tth went to settle her children before joining them. T’hrgg was sure that F’rll was ready to relinquish his memories to them so they could help him heal. He seemed excited and more agitated than he had been before he left. F’rlls manner was extremely hard for T’hrgg to decipher.
When L’tth arrived they turned on the sound dampener so the children would not overhear but they could hear the children in case they were needed.
Jack looked at his friends. How would he present this? He had tried to think on the way back from the front but nothing had come to mind that would make this less painful. He started cautiously:
“I had decided I did not want to live any longer. I thought I would go to the front and get myself atomized. I am sure that would be a death I could not come back from. Especially there where time does not exist.”
L’tth drew in her breath. “F’rll nothing can be as bad as that.”
“Yes it can but that is not the point. The point is you can stop the war.” Jack said.
T’hrgg and L’tth’s eyestalks cast downward, a sure sign of pain and shame. ‘Fuck.’ Jack thought, ‘What am I doing? They have lost most of their children to this war and I breeze in here and say they can stop it.” He backed up a little.
“I mean that I think I know a way to stop the war.”
T’hrgg gave him an enquiring look. “You went all the way to the front?”
“Yes.” Jack answered, “I was hoping I could die.” He stated blatantly. “I didn’t want to live any more. I have done so many things I can’t forgive myself for. I don’t see any point in it.”
“You saw the war?” This question came from L’tth.
“Yes. I told you.”
“Then you know.” T’hrgg said.
“Know what?” Jack asked. “I understood something that has been overlooked, that can stop this madness of a war.”
“No.” T’hrgg said. “We need this.”
“Need this?” Jack said with confusion. “Please let me tell you what I discovered.”
“You discovered that there is no enemy we are only battling ourselves, is that correct?”
Jack’s mouth fell open. He was speechless. When he had regained his faculties he enquired with incredulity.
“You know?’
“Yes F’rll we all know except the young.”
“You are sending your youth up there to die for no reason?” Jack shouted.
“There is a very important reason.” L’tth stated.
“What! A reason that is more important than death and grief of thousands of years. What could be more important than that?”
“The redemption of our species.” She took Jack’s hands into her own. “Let me tell you the story.” She said.
“ For thousands of turns we were an invincible race. Our warriors were the greatest ever known. We made war on hundreds of species to prove that. We trained our young and went out into the universes and decimated one civilization after another. We were known and feared. We were a young species and we knew that the gods were on our side and we could not fail. We did not fail. We tore down civilization after civilization and ground them into the dust. We grew wealthy with the spoils of war. Our raiment was glorious to behold and our palaces were places of grandeur never seen before. All despised us, but we did not care, we were a glory to each other. As we conquered we had spread further and further afield.
We encountered a planet very far from our home world. It was a glorious place lush and rich. Precious stones lay in its streams and its seas washed up unknown metals that were light and yet could not be destroyed. We needed this world; with this world we could be even more. The problem was this world was the home of a God and his mate. His name was T’rln and hers was G’ffl. They were the only two inhabitants on this planet, T’rln and his mate G’ffl. We thought it would be an easy conquest and we sent a squad to ask for surrender. They returned and said there would be no surrender and we needed to leave in peace before T’rln’s wrath would destroy us. Of course this was laughable. We the Tphan had never backed down and took what we wanted. There were never consequences to our action. This planet was lush and rich we wanted it. Who were these puny ones to deny us our rights? We didn’t understand.
T’rln was a God he was more than our warriors could conquer. We attacked. Our ships were hurled into the near star. We continued to attack knowing that the gods were on our side and we could not be beaten. We sent wave after wave of our war ships to that planet. Not one ever made landfall. We foolishly put all our resources into that one war on that one planet. We pulled our warriors from everywhere. We made battle plan after battle plan to conquer this planet it became a matter of pride. We could not withdraw. We had met races of wizards and magic makers before and we were sure we were dealing with one now. We used our experience from our many wars to wage this battle. We never conquered him because he was not a wizard or a magic maker he was a God. In out arrogance we would not retreat. We were certain we could win. We continued to fight until there were so few of us left, and so few resources at our command we had to ask for a cease to the war and send a mission down to the planet to talk.
When our emissaries arrived, T’rln greeted them. He told them they were not worthy of surrender. He would no longer allow them to battle other species and use the spoils of war. He promised he would never destroy our race but from now on we would only battle ourselves and we would feel over and over the pain and anguish of those with whom we had done battle. He gave us the empathic powers we have. He set this war up and we must continue with it until he calls a halt to it. It is our punishment and it will endure. We feel every day the pain of it. Although T’rln’s punishment is harsh, G’ffl his mate has compassion and showers her mercy upon us. She bestowed upon us the ability to alleviate the pain so it lasts but an instant. To send our young up there to die by their own hands is so abhorrent that we keep it from them. Those who survive understand it. Those who don’t at least die thinking they are giving their lives for their fellows. We have been forbidden by T’rln to tell our young or to teach them how to survive. G’fll in her mercy gave us the game of T’nnds, within that is hidden the law of this war. If the child discerns it he will be safe when he goes into battle. Otherwise we can only stand by and let what is destiny be.”
“Have you ever tried to lay down your arms and not fight?” Jack enquired.
“Some have suggested it. I myself have thought it would be a solution.” T’hrgg answered. “However some think it would not be honorable for us to lay down our arms. We are warriors.”
“Were you given any indication when the punishment will be over?”
“Only that we would know.” T’hrgg replied.
Jack thought about this for a while.
“A war fought only against yourselves cannot be won through arms or negotiation. It cannot be lost. It will always only end in stalemate.” He said. “ The only way it can be won is by the laying down of arms. Can’t you see that?”
“I and L’tth have long thought just that. We have discussed it with the war council time and time again always to no avail.”
“Are there others that think this way?”
“Yes, there are many and we grow stronger with every turn, but the war council fears the wrath of T’rln.”
Jack did not believe in gods or goddesses but he did believe in irony. This was irony. The war had been set up so the only way out was for the Tphan, a proud warrior race, to humble themselves. It had gone on for a thousand years and they had never understood this. When they ceased to be arrogant and warlike they would be left in peace. T’rln probably had never existed he was just a mythic figure that someone had set up to try and save the species from extinction. Somewhere in the mist of time this race and its warlike mentality had thought itself invincible. Jack understood that was never true. Nothing was invincible. Somewhere there was a power that could destroy them. Perhaps the war with the mythic T’rln was their waterloo against a stronger species that had vanquished them and to save what they could of their tattered egos they created the god. It had been done before and would be done again. Although he would never know the answer to that, Jack clearly understood the war now. When the tipping point was reached, the deciding vote would go against the war. This was their lesson to learn and their decision to make. Until then he would keep his own counsel. This was not his problem to solve.
His problem to solve was his own arrogance. Dying was not the answer. Having his memories softened by the Tphan was not the answer. Facing his enemies and defeating those who would destroy the beautiful world that was the seat of the human race was the answer. Making Ianto and Stephen’s deaths count for something by carrying onward the cause for which they died. Trying to negotiate with an enemy and if that wasn’t possible, fighting for the right to survive. He needed to return. Stephen and Ianto had died fighting to save their world. Stephen may not have realized that but for Jack it was the ultimate sacrifice and he did it knowingly, giving up the love of family for the defeat of the enemy. He would never forget that. There had been no other way.
He had an overwhelming urge to return to the planet he loved, and which had been home for more years than he cared to remember. He wondered if Gwen would rejoin him in his fight to save humanity.
Author: artistwife
Rating: PG13
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing: Jack Others
Warnings: Spoilers for Exit Wounds and CoE
Summary: Jack returns to old friends for support after CoE
Word Count: 8073
Authors note: I borrowed the idea of the Tphan war from something I read a long time ago. Although I remember the war alas I do not remember the story or the author. However I would give credit for the idea to that person if I knew who it was.
A cloudless star spangled sky above him glistened and gleamed, but he didn’t notice as he stood on the windy hilltop and said goodbye to friends and a place he had called home for so long.
"You can't run away." Gwen said tears running down her cheeks.
"Just watch me." Jack replied as he sent a signal and was beamed up.
T’hrgg greeted him as he materialized inside the ship. A heavy hand on his shoulder and the other wrapped around and dwarfing his own as he pulled it to his breastplate in the usual welcome stance. “Welcome F’rll my brother.” the guttural language and his spoken name sounded strange to his ears after such a long absence, but he knew that it would only be a short time and it would be as he had never been away. Jack reciprocated, pulling the joined hands to his chest “I am joyful to be with you T’hrgg,” he gurgled out using the language as best he could with his human anatomy.
T’hrgg sat in the pilots seat and indicated, with a nod of his head, the seat next to him. Jack shed the coat, securing it in the proper locker and sat. The smooth Turka seat molded to fit his body. An invisible bubble of warm oxygen rich air surrounded him and soft sounds soothed him as the seat analyzed and decided what was needed to make him most comfortable. He looked to his left and gave T’hrgg the sign he was ready. The ship went into warp, and space blurred around them. It was good to feel the thrum of the engine that warped the time and space around them. He closed his eyes and focused on the half remembered sounds within his seat, letting them fill his mind, shutting out the turmoil that had so recently come to be his every moment. The sounds taking over his brain and closing out all thought. He took a deep breath and drifted into the realm of not being.
Awareness slowly rose to the surface of his mind with little bubbles of perception rising and bursting and flooding areas around them. He had forgotten how amazing this felt. As he opened his eyes and waited for his intellect and sight to return to its usual acuity. He felt the undertone of T’hrgg moving and adjusting in the seat next to him. He felt the decrease of the engine, and the mold of the seat against his body. He saw the shimmer that was space/time returning to equilibrium around him. With startling clarity he heard the Kgnddr guiding the ship into the port. The craft hooked into the port stanchion, coming to a stop unheard and unfelt by the pilot or the passenger. T’hrgg pushed a button and the teleport transported them to the main deck of the station. From there they would catch a transporter to his home.
F’rll was always a welcome guest. L’tth hummed a little tune as she made ready to receive him into her and T’hrgg’s home. L’sst her child of 6 turns was playing on the floor with his toys. R’ggt the new child lay in his small basket sleeping. It would be so pleasant to see F’rll, it had been so many turns since he was here N’tll had been a child in the basket when last they had seen him and he was now a grandfather himself twice over. She smiled in remembrance of her great grand children. It was good to have progeny that would carry her and T’hrgg’s genetics forward. There had been 67 children but alas only N’tll, L’sst and R’ggt were still here to carry the genes. She sighed and continued with her work, stirring the food as it cooked. Using her digits she wafted the savory aroma toward her olfactory glands she added a little more of the spice that gave the dish it’s distinct flavor, and then breathed deeply of the heady fragrance. It was F’rll’s favorite dish and she wanted it to be just right to welcome him back to the fold of G'ffl's embrace.
The chime sounded that heralded her mate’s entrance into the home. She rushed to the corridor to greet them. First her mate, met with a warm touching of her lesser sexual organ to his and then to F’rll a clasping of her hand to his and drawn to her breastplate. She noted his smile although sweet was not quite as expansive as the old F’rll smile. Something in his eyes showed a profound sadness and despair. “May the goddess G’ffl embrace you and hold you to her heart.” She murmured.
Jack pulled her hand back to his chest, “In this home she abides.” He said, the formal words flooding him through with memories of the wonderful times he had spent with this family.
“Come, divest yourself of your outer layers and sit at our table. I have prepared grdrr for your delight. I think I have remembered perfectly how you like it. Removing his coat he hung it on the device by the door and then lined his shoes up under the coat, it all felt so familiar to him as though he had been here yesterday not over a hundred years. He sat at the eating board next to the silent and staring L’sst. “Hi my name is F’rll what is your T'rln name?” He asked the child who looked to be about 6 or 7 if Jack remembered right. The child looked at him, its eyes sitting close on their small stalks in some consternation. “L’sst, please answer” his mother said as she reached and tapped on his breastplate. The child put forth his hand and taking Jack’s pulled it to his breastplate and said. “L’sst. 35th son of T’hrgg and L’tth brother to N’tll and R’ggt welcomes you in the name of T’rln.” He said most solemnly. Jack pulled his small hand to his chest and just as solemnly said, “I feel most welcomed by L’sst on behalf of the God T’rln. I am different from you because I come from a far away place. My species is human.”
“Oh” the child said “hurdum”
“No” his father corrected. “F’rll is human.” The child, recognizing the word when spoken by his father’s more perfect accent, nodded. “Human” he said, and made the sign that passed for a smile on this world.
They chatted as they ate. T’hrgg and L’tth regaled him with tales of the war and an uprising, to bring an end to the war, that had occurred since he had last visited them. They told him of the family that had died such honorable deaths that no sadness was possible. They proudly told of the grandchildren that were carrying the genes forward. L’sst interjected where he could. Jack remembered fondly, other meals that had gone on like this. Everyone was talking and telling their stories. He told his own story of the world where he had spent so many turns of his life, of the people he had loved there. He was not yet in the place where his heart could let go of the pain that his sacrifices had caused so could not speak of his progeny; nor of the partner he had loved so dearly and lost through his own arrogance. It was all too close, all too painful. He admired so much how this species could let go with such ease and feel such pride for those who had been lost to battle. He knew his psyche could not withstand that yet. He complimented L’tth on the delicious grdrr and it was indeed perfectly prepared to his taste. The olfactory and taste memory sprang out at him, and flooded his brain with love and peace. This was the right place to come at this time. No other place he had ever been was as full of good memory as this. These people, this home, would heal and renew him like nothing else could. Here he could feel without having to explain, they would accept him just as he was and when they felt his heartbreak they would gather to share it and move it into the realm of dream and memory to be set in his heart without the agony of loss. He breathed deeply of the atmosphere and let out a sigh that said more than words could express.
After the meal was cleared away Jack played a game of t’nnds with L’sst. It was a complex game that required Jack to concentrate fully on what was going on. He played well but L’sst won. He was a fierce competitor and would someday make a fine warrior. As Jack and L’sst played, T’hrgg and L’tth danced around the floor lost in each other. The music surrounded the small family with warmth and joy, soothing away any care that might beset them.
“It is sleep period L’sst” L’tth said picking up the baby and taking the hand of the older child she exited the room. There were no calls of goodnight it was not considered good form for the young to announce they were leaving.
T’hrgg prepared the sleep period drink for the adults and awaited the return of his mate before offering it. Jack remembered it as being smooth going down and helping to induce sleep for a people who needed to sleep often in the heat of battle or the midst of death. Their lives were so hard and yet they cherished every second. There was no time wasted on regret or anger. When L’tth returned they sat and sipped the drink slowly. Jack began to talk a little of where he had been. Not the usual brashness that he spent a lifetime perfecting. Now was the time for truth and feeling. He spoke now of the Doctor and his time with him and Rose. He told of being abandoned on the game station, his subsequent hop to earth and the complete devastation he had felt when he learned he could not die. As he spoke T’hrgg and L’tth moved in close enough so they were both touching him with the soft tendrils that extended from the fleshy digits on their hands. As they moved the tendrils over his face and his chest he felt the pain of memories of this time diminish as the empathic nature of these creatures shared in his feelings and diffused them through their combined memories, culling the painful away from the joyful and then returning them to him with the sharp cutting edges somehow smoothed as though a vast amount of time had gone by. He still retained the perfect memory of the Game Station and his ultimate abandonment but no pain remained around the memory. Instead of the pain he had associated with it, there was a feeling of joy that he had known these remarkable people and a kind of pride that he had been able to eventually find the Doctor again and had redeemed himself. He breathed in a sigh of relief and reached out to embrace T'hrgg and L’tth to him.
“I am forever grateful for your friendship and love.” He said, emotion flooding his voice.
“We are always willing to provide you with both.” T’hrgg said with a smile, “I will show you to your sleep area.” He added as he moved off down a corridor.”
“Rest well in the arms of G’fll.” L’tth said as she held his hand against her breastplate.
“G’fll fills your home with peace.” He replied to her pulling her hand to his chest. He leaned down for a moment and brushed a kiss over the scaly plates on her head and followed her husband down the corridor. At the entrance to a chamber T’hrgg indicated this would be where he would sleep. He pulled T’hrgg into a tight hug his eyes shone with tears.
“Thank you for what you have done for me this night.”
“Heal my friend. After the sleep we will address the other pains that torment you.”
He entered the chamber and changed into the soft garment that had been left there for him, and climbed into the sleep pod. His mind let go of his grief and self hate and he drifted in an ocean of quiet and peace for the first time in many years.
He awoke feeling refreshed, if he had dreamed he did not remember it. This had been the first time he had slept without nightmares in a long time. He bathed in the pool of heated water that was in every dwelling on Tphandul. The Tphan used it mostly to soak when they were molting. For cleansing they preferred the quick cleaning brushes and powder of the amtul shower. Jack preferred water; his human skin was a little too fragile for the other method. He forsook his usual attire for the voluminous trousers and shirt made of a silken fabric. The softness against his skin again filling his mind with memories of the many times he had come here for solace and healing.
He had been a young man of seventeen when he first had encountered the Tphan. An admiral, who had also recommended him to the Space Academy, had sent him to Tphandul. He was recuperating after escaping from a prison ship where he had been forced to watch his best friend tortured to death by an enemy force they had been fighting as mercenaries. Gregor had died a gruesome death and Jack felt fully responsible. His soul and his body had both been scarred considerably by the experience and although the scars on his body were removed the emotional scars lingered on with heartbreaking consequences. On his arrival at Tphandul, he had been taken into the home of T’hrgg and L’tth. The first thing they had done was to give him a T’rln name. The name was given in a ceremony in which the God T’rln, who was the God of Heroes, was asked to bestow all the attributes of hero on the participating male. After receiving his name, F'rll, meaning ‘warrior dragon’, Jack was taken to a room where T’hrgg and L’tth had asked him questions about his experiences. While he related his story the two Tphan empaths gently fondled his face and chest with their tendrils and the result was that his exquisite pain had been softened to a dim memory, at the same time, the pride he had felt at becoming a warrior and his subsequent escape from his captors with information, that proved important and ultimately won the war, was enhanced and brought to the fore of his memory. The whole ordeal was remembered as more glorious than painful. The end result left him feeling like he had been cleansed of something dirty that could never quite capture him again.
Since that time Jack had returned to Tphandul whenever he had needed and through the years had deepened his friendship with T’hrgg and L’tth learning their language and their culture. He was always welcomed warmly into their home and kept in touch when he was away. He knew the names of all their children and the circumstances of their ultimate fates in the war that had been waged for the last thousand years. A war where the enemy was never truly understood or known, the Tphan had been at war for so many lifetimes it really made no sense anymore but then war rarely made sense. They fought in an area where time had been warped into almost nothingness. They never saw their enemy they only knew that they were never to be allowed to step further. It was a stalemate but the Tphan continued to lose the lives of their young men and women. The Tphan, if not killed in the war, were a long-lived warrior race. Warriors, because an unresolved war required them to be so; but more than that, they were a race that mated for life and had huge families, most of whom died on the battlefield of nothingness. They were good souls and Jack had often wondered at this useless war they constantly waged where neither side could move forward nor it seemed retreat. He had never gone to the front line but he had heard many stories of the devastating and sometimes debilitating conditions there. Here, far removed from the war front, life went on in a normal fashion. As time did not exist at the front, warriors sent there did not age and if they were wounded, their wounds would not heal. They were rotated out if wounded or after two turns. Death came swiftly out of the haze that covered the other side. The enemy they could neither see nor communicate with could destroy them with lances of rays that would vaporize anything they touched into its component sub atomic particles. They themselves had death rays, which inflicted the same on their enemy, in their arsenal. At one time the Tphan had been working on a contraption to capture these particles and reinstate them in order to retrieve the one who had died. Sadly the particles where so scattered by the ray that it was not possible to capture all of them, so thousands of Tphan died every turn of the planet around its star. Because of their empathic abilities, each adult Tphan felt the death of warriors who died on the battlefield. The children were shielded from this particular horror, as their full empathic ability did not appear until seventeen turns of age. Jack had pondered once, if the children had been as affected by the deaths as the adults were, would they not have stopped the madness of this war a long time ago. He remembered how S’nnr one of T’hrgg’s sons had reacted when he first felt the loss of a warrior. He started to scream a high-pitched terrified sound and his parents had rushed to him and between them soothed and cajoled him into a state where the pain could be managed. This happened again and again throughout a week he was there, until the boy could contain it himself. A few short weeks after he had mastered his fear and pain, he himself was sent off to the war. It was only a matter of months before he was also a casualty of the thing. It was a horrendous price to pay, Jack had thought at the time, but the Tphan believed it was a necessary evil and so it continued from the mists of time into the mists of the future. Jack being a warrior himself, understood war and the pain of a necessary loss, but he could not imagine what it would be like to feel the death of every warrior or battle an unseen and unknown adversary.
Jack sat down at the table and accepted the bowl of food he was given. L’tth smiled at him.
“It is good for remembering.” She said. “It will help you to remember more perfectly so we can clear your memory more perfectly.” Jack pushed the bowl away. “I remember perfectly enough for now. Some of these memories I can’t bring myself to speak of yet.” The pain of his losses clutched at his gut and he felt the nausea rise in his throat. He controlled himself, it would not do at all for L’tth to see the true agony he was in. It was not in her nature to see him chew his own innards up with this tortuous misery. Yet he felt that he wanted to hang on to the memories of Stephen and Ianto. He didn’t know if he was punishing himself or if he just didn’t want this put in a perspective where it felt so far removed from him. He wanted to hold Stephen and Ianto close to him still, and this pain he felt kept them close and real. They had been a huge part of his being and he had cavalierly ended both their lives. His logic told him otherwise, but his heart held him personally responsible. He had gone over it thousands of times what could he have done to save one or the other of them. He never was able to come up with a viable answer. He could have told Ianto to stand down when he went to confront the 456 but he knew in his heart that Ianto would never have forgiven him for that. As for Stephen, there was no substitute he could have used and it was a matter of millions of lives saved from the unimaginable imprisonment of the 456. His heart broke again as he rethought his options. L’tth watched his eyes fill with pain, his whole demeanor crashing around her. She leaned forward and placed her digits on his chest.
“F’rll, F’rll beloved of T’rln, you cannot allow this to destroy you. You must let me help you. Please let me ease some of this from you. Jack collapsed forward onto her seated body resting his head on the scaly shelf of her bent legs.
“I can’t!” He cried. “How can I let you take this from me when I so richly deserve it.” He dissolved into tears sobbing against her. “I came here to heal but I see that I should never forget this lesson. I can’t let it go. I thought it would be all right to forget but it won’t. It won’t!”
“Of what value is the memory of this thing?” L’tth asked tenderly as she stroked his hair.
“I cannot forget that it was my own arrogance that killed them.” Jack whispered.
“Is this the same arrogance that you thought had killed Gregor and Astran and Tam Es?” She whispered back.
“Yes, yes.” He yelled at her. “If I had not forgotten that, I would have found another way this time. Don’t you understand?”
She felt the rawness of his wounded soul and wanted to take him into her mind and calm him, but L’tth knew that she was not strong enough, by herself, to encompass this pain, whatever it was. She stroked his hair and let him cry himself out. When he had regained control she pushed him upright and rose to prepare him another bowl. At that time L’sst came into the room and she prepared him food also. L’sst sat next to him as they ate. Watching Jack eat was quite fascinating to the youngster. The Tphan ingested their food by drawing it through a tube like protrusion through which they sucked the food. To L’sst, who had never seen a human before, Jack holding the bowl up to his lips and pouring the food into his mouth a little at a time was the most interesting thing he had ever encountered in his young and sheltered life.
“Why do you not use your lgur?” the child asked.
“I don’t have one.” Jack replied
“Why?”
“Because I am not Tphan, and only Tphan have a lgur.” Jack patiently explained.
“You look so sad. Is it because you do not have a lgur?” L’sst enquired looking solemnly at Jack.
“No. I am sad because I had a little one, much like you, and he died.” Jack was amazed that this had come out of his mouth so easily. The emotion revolving around the loss of Stephen had tormented him day and night and usually he couldn’t even bring him to mind without the agony of the circumstance of his death driving him into a deep depression. He had not spoken of him or his sacrifice since the day it had occurred. He had tried to block it from his mind as much as possible, but the innocent question had pulled it from him with the resultant answer coming out as if it were a normal conversation.
“Was it an honorable death?” The child asked his eyes centering on Jack’s face. Jack considered the question for several moments.
“Yes it was an honorable death.” Jack replied his throat constricting now with the memory.
“Then you shouldn’t grieve. You should be proud.” L’sst’s outlook on life and death was tempered by the buffering that his parents afforded him, and his family’s acceptance of the losses they suffered. When spoken of it was only the glory, bestowed upon those who had given their lives in the war, which was expressed. He could not understand why there would be sadness over an honorable death.
“You are probably right,” Jack said, “but right now I am sad and that is why I came here. You and T’hrgg and L’tth can help me to feel proud instead of sad.” The child sighed and Jack could see that he had relaxed. Although it was beyond his understanding at his young age, L’sst had felt the tension around the conversation he had with F’rll. His empathic nature, to some extent, feeling the anxiety and pain that had surrounded the subject, he was now able to feel a
lessening of Jack’s anxiety. L’tth entered the room carrying the baby R’ggt. She held him in her arms and began to feed him her predigested food. She thought that F’rll was looking better; she felt around him the lessening of his former rage and self- loathing. She also felt a difference in L’sst; it took a while to understand what it was because it was new to his experience. Eventually she pinpointed the feeling. He had done something very difficult and had not surrendered to it. It had something to do with F’rll but she was confused in her lack of understanding of it. Something had passed between them while she was attending the baby, something important, but what that could be she could not guess.
Jack went to the comfort chamber to sort out his feelings. The comfort chamber was a staple of every Tphan home. It was a small room one wall of which was a large screen that chose scenes that were pleasing to the eye of several species. Jack dialed in his home world and random scenes of his home appeared and disappeared. He sat cross-legged on the floor and gazed at the changing panorama of the world he had left so long ago. He yearned to change the setting to reflect Earth but he felt he would not yet be able to control the feelings that might bring up, and he desperately needed to feel he was in control. He thought about all that had happened to him since the last time he had been on Tphandul. The painful deaths he had passed through, the emptiness he found in death, the thing that moved in the dark. He dwelt on his brother. Gray, whom he had lost and regained, only to have him punish him so cruelly. His mind reeled at the remembrance of his brother. He had been overjoyed to see his brother striding toward him. The child now a man his handsome face flashed in Jack’s mind. Oh Gray why did it have to end in such a tragedy? I loved you so. He had preserved Gray in a cryo chamber in the hub, but the hub and Gray were no more. He dwelt on his imprisonment in the earth of Cardiff for 2000 years. He felt once again the musty dirt filling his nostrils and mouth as John piled soil into his grave. He dwelt for a few moments on his rescue by Edward and Elspeth and then the long night of his time in the cryo unit until time caught up with him. His heart ached as he remembered his beloved Toshiko lying in a pool of her own blood on the medical bay floor. How he had held her close to him as she shuddered through her last breaths. Owen his surly, drunken, beloved Owen, who he had cursed with a curse worse than his own because he couldn’t bear to part with him. He finally found his rest in the melt down of the nuclear reactor he had died saving the world. He next dwelt on the Master. The total agony he had suffered with him. The Master could bring about the most exquisite pain of body but he could never subjugate his mind. In the end the whole thing had been wiped away. He pushed on as the screen flickered its images and soft music calmed his mind. Familiar and cleansing scents lingered in the air helping him to stay calm while he relived the agony that his life had been. His mind brushed lightly on his last death the one that he had shared with Ianto. He remembered his anguished cry and Ianto’s acceptance of his own death. He touched his fingers to his lips feeling, once again, the last kiss they had shared. His eyes filled with tears and for the thousandth time he cursed himself for a fool to have taken Ianto into that situation. He cast his mind back to the three years that they had spent together. The solace that Ianto afforded him and the unconditional love he had so willingly given. He relived for a while the joy he had found with Ianto; the snarky comments, the hot coffee, the warm kisses and the tussles they often had prior to making love. He could feel Ianto’s hands as they brushed over his shoulders after settling his coat on them. He tasted, once again the unique flavor of his mouth as he dipped his tongue in the warmth of it. He could feel the hard muscles of the man under him moving against him. He saw so clearly the handsome face, blue eyes wide and focused on him as Ianto emptied himself into him. Then he remembered the small form of Stephen as he shook on that platform as he saved millions of children from enslavement that was worse than death. He trusted Jack and Jack had killed him. Jack had stolen his life and had destroyed his mother because he couldn’t think of another way. From deep within him the ache blossomed and he let out a sob and collapsed down to lay prostrate on the floor. He decided he would cease to struggle against it all. He lay still against the soft floor covering being held and protected by the room as it cocooned him in a soothing comfort of pleasant sensations. He knew that he could bear no more. He understood now that his decision to come here, to this planet was the correct one. All the pain, anger and guilt that lay on his soul was a burden he could no longer carry and be able to function in any human way. He rose from his prone position and left the room deciding on a path of action. He donned his own clothes and shrugging his great coat over his shoulders he sought out L’tth and T’hrgg.
“Thank you for all that you have done for me.” He said pulling them both into his warm embrace. “I think I will be all right now though.”
“Are you leaving?” L’tth asked noticing his attire. The pain in her eyes was plain to see.
“I’m going out for a little while.” He replied not looking into her eyes. L’tth pulled his hand to her breastplate “May T’rln and G’ffl walk with you and give you solace.” He bent and kissed her gently on the bony plates of her head and uttered.
“I will be fine.”
As he left L’tth turned to her mate. “He is far from fine. Did you not feel it?”
“Yes.” T’hrgg replied, “But there is nothing to be done, he must find his own way. I am sure he will return here and let us remove this pain. Let him have his pain for now it seems important that he feel it.” L’tth was of the same mind. She had sensed in F’rll a strength she had not felt on this visit. Almost like the old F’rll. A determination had sprung up within him. It was surrounded by sadness, but that was to be expected. He was carrying a burden he had been unable to put down. She hoped he would feel better when he came back.
Jack caught a transporter to the space station and then wandered casually down to the ship where the troops were amassing. There was no camouflaging his conspicuousness so he walked up to the officer in charge and explained he needed, as part of the therapy to go to the front and observe. The officer, seeing him as a frail human who would not survive the trip agreed to let him ride in the troopship. He embarked with the group talking to no one. He sat in the furthest area of the ship away from the others. He did not want to get into a conversation about his motives or how this would help with his therapy and he wasn’t sure how his human body would react to the troopship. The ship moved smoothly from the station and warped into hyperspace. There was no Turka seat to cocoon him from the forces his body would endure while they moved through hyperspace. As they progressed he felt the first compression of time on his body. The Tphan warriors took it all in stride. This ship was built for their anatomical comfort. Another compression of time occurred. It made his whole body feel like it was in a vice. He could not breathe. He collapsed against the bulkhead and quietly died.
When the ship docked he revived with a gasp. None paid attention. The troops gathered their gear and resolutely marched off the ship. He followed, feeling the pressure and disorientation of the area where time was compressed to almost nothing. Stepping from the ship he surveyed the surroundings as best he could. The area was murky and shimmered with a strange motion. Waves of light and dark followed each other at a dizzying pace. He felt like he might vomit. Thankfully his stomach was empty so there was only the nausea to contend with. There were six massive buildings within his sight. From far away he noticed a steady whine and flashes of brilliant light. That must be the frontline. Conveyances of various kinds moved back a forth. The troops were loaded up and moved away toward one of the buildings. Through the thick murk he discerned a flyer sitting idle. No one challenged him as he moved to commandeer it. He followed a line of sledges toward the fighting zone. He was not sure what he would be able to do once he got there. They stopped at a low building close to where he could see the lights. The noise here was almost unbearable, a high-pitched whine that never stopped assaulted his ears and his brain. He went past the building where the warriors had been off loaded. There was nothing to see. The murk had thickened to a point where it was almost palpable and there was a smell in the air that outdid any battlefield Jack had ever fought on. His throat and eyes burned with the acrid smell. His stomach revolted at the thought of what he was breathing. A thousand years of sub-atomic particles that were mixed and moved around by the convection of warriors and their weaponry being atomized. Yes, this was the place for him. He would never revive from this, there was no next moment here. He would stay dead. His feeling of relief was immense. He grieved once more for all he had lost. This was it. He brought the flyer to a halt and stood on the scorched ground. He would just stand here and let it happen. Just to his right and left flashes occurred but nothing touched him. He moved closer in, he could see several young warriors. They raised their weapons and fired. Almost instantaneously a returning volley from the other side arrived. Two of them vaporized the third had dropped and rolled as he fired and thus the returning blaze went over his head and to his right. Jack walked through the line unhurt. He saw again and again the deadly accuracy of the enemy and the only thing that saved these warriors was to drop and roll as they fired so they were not in the same place they fired from when the volley was returned. The enemy had unerring aim, and he saw many young warriors go out in a blink of an eye. He sat on the bare ground and watched the war unfold around him. At no time did the enemy fire at him. Maybe because he was human he didn’t show up on their radar. He sat in thought for a while. Suddenly it hit him. A theory he remembered from his space agency days. No one had ever been able to prove it. He picked up a rock and threw it toward the line. Almost immediately the rock came back and hit him. He scrambled toward the flyer. He had to get back to Tphandul. This war could be stopped today. He flew back toward the buildings and once there looked for a ship that was being loaded with wounded.
The trip back was easier on him as hyperspace expanded. When the ship docked he didn’t wait for the medics to carry off the wounded, he sped past them and caught the first transport he could. He arrived back at T’hrgg’s home ten days after he had left. As he came through the door, T’hrgg greeted him with a hearty welcome. L’tth and L’sst came to see him as soon as they heard his voice.
“Where were you,” L’tth asked. “We looked everywhere.” We thought we had lost you forever.”
“I need to talk to you both.” Jack replied. “Can we go to the comfort chamber?”
T’hrgg led the way while L’tth went to settle her children before joining them. T’hrgg was sure that F’rll was ready to relinquish his memories to them so they could help him heal. He seemed excited and more agitated than he had been before he left. F’rlls manner was extremely hard for T’hrgg to decipher.
When L’tth arrived they turned on the sound dampener so the children would not overhear but they could hear the children in case they were needed.
Jack looked at his friends. How would he present this? He had tried to think on the way back from the front but nothing had come to mind that would make this less painful. He started cautiously:
“I had decided I did not want to live any longer. I thought I would go to the front and get myself atomized. I am sure that would be a death I could not come back from. Especially there where time does not exist.”
L’tth drew in her breath. “F’rll nothing can be as bad as that.”
“Yes it can but that is not the point. The point is you can stop the war.” Jack said.
T’hrgg and L’tth’s eyestalks cast downward, a sure sign of pain and shame. ‘Fuck.’ Jack thought, ‘What am I doing? They have lost most of their children to this war and I breeze in here and say they can stop it.” He backed up a little.
“I mean that I think I know a way to stop the war.”
T’hrgg gave him an enquiring look. “You went all the way to the front?”
“Yes.” Jack answered, “I was hoping I could die.” He stated blatantly. “I didn’t want to live any more. I have done so many things I can’t forgive myself for. I don’t see any point in it.”
“You saw the war?” This question came from L’tth.
“Yes. I told you.”
“Then you know.” T’hrgg said.
“Know what?” Jack asked. “I understood something that has been overlooked, that can stop this madness of a war.”
“No.” T’hrgg said. “We need this.”
“Need this?” Jack said with confusion. “Please let me tell you what I discovered.”
“You discovered that there is no enemy we are only battling ourselves, is that correct?”
Jack’s mouth fell open. He was speechless. When he had regained his faculties he enquired with incredulity.
“You know?’
“Yes F’rll we all know except the young.”
“You are sending your youth up there to die for no reason?” Jack shouted.
“There is a very important reason.” L’tth stated.
“What! A reason that is more important than death and grief of thousands of years. What could be more important than that?”
“The redemption of our species.” She took Jack’s hands into her own. “Let me tell you the story.” She said.
“ For thousands of turns we were an invincible race. Our warriors were the greatest ever known. We made war on hundreds of species to prove that. We trained our young and went out into the universes and decimated one civilization after another. We were known and feared. We were a young species and we knew that the gods were on our side and we could not fail. We did not fail. We tore down civilization after civilization and ground them into the dust. We grew wealthy with the spoils of war. Our raiment was glorious to behold and our palaces were places of grandeur never seen before. All despised us, but we did not care, we were a glory to each other. As we conquered we had spread further and further afield.
We encountered a planet very far from our home world. It was a glorious place lush and rich. Precious stones lay in its streams and its seas washed up unknown metals that were light and yet could not be destroyed. We needed this world; with this world we could be even more. The problem was this world was the home of a God and his mate. His name was T’rln and hers was G’ffl. They were the only two inhabitants on this planet, T’rln and his mate G’ffl. We thought it would be an easy conquest and we sent a squad to ask for surrender. They returned and said there would be no surrender and we needed to leave in peace before T’rln’s wrath would destroy us. Of course this was laughable. We the Tphan had never backed down and took what we wanted. There were never consequences to our action. This planet was lush and rich we wanted it. Who were these puny ones to deny us our rights? We didn’t understand.
T’rln was a God he was more than our warriors could conquer. We attacked. Our ships were hurled into the near star. We continued to attack knowing that the gods were on our side and we could not be beaten. We sent wave after wave of our war ships to that planet. Not one ever made landfall. We foolishly put all our resources into that one war on that one planet. We pulled our warriors from everywhere. We made battle plan after battle plan to conquer this planet it became a matter of pride. We could not withdraw. We had met races of wizards and magic makers before and we were sure we were dealing with one now. We used our experience from our many wars to wage this battle. We never conquered him because he was not a wizard or a magic maker he was a God. In out arrogance we would not retreat. We were certain we could win. We continued to fight until there were so few of us left, and so few resources at our command we had to ask for a cease to the war and send a mission down to the planet to talk.
When our emissaries arrived, T’rln greeted them. He told them they were not worthy of surrender. He would no longer allow them to battle other species and use the spoils of war. He promised he would never destroy our race but from now on we would only battle ourselves and we would feel over and over the pain and anguish of those with whom we had done battle. He gave us the empathic powers we have. He set this war up and we must continue with it until he calls a halt to it. It is our punishment and it will endure. We feel every day the pain of it. Although T’rln’s punishment is harsh, G’ffl his mate has compassion and showers her mercy upon us. She bestowed upon us the ability to alleviate the pain so it lasts but an instant. To send our young up there to die by their own hands is so abhorrent that we keep it from them. Those who survive understand it. Those who don’t at least die thinking they are giving their lives for their fellows. We have been forbidden by T’rln to tell our young or to teach them how to survive. G’fll in her mercy gave us the game of T’nnds, within that is hidden the law of this war. If the child discerns it he will be safe when he goes into battle. Otherwise we can only stand by and let what is destiny be.”
“Have you ever tried to lay down your arms and not fight?” Jack enquired.
“Some have suggested it. I myself have thought it would be a solution.” T’hrgg answered. “However some think it would not be honorable for us to lay down our arms. We are warriors.”
“Were you given any indication when the punishment will be over?”
“Only that we would know.” T’hrgg replied.
Jack thought about this for a while.
“A war fought only against yourselves cannot be won through arms or negotiation. It cannot be lost. It will always only end in stalemate.” He said. “ The only way it can be won is by the laying down of arms. Can’t you see that?”
“I and L’tth have long thought just that. We have discussed it with the war council time and time again always to no avail.”
“Are there others that think this way?”
“Yes, there are many and we grow stronger with every turn, but the war council fears the wrath of T’rln.”
Jack did not believe in gods or goddesses but he did believe in irony. This was irony. The war had been set up so the only way out was for the Tphan, a proud warrior race, to humble themselves. It had gone on for a thousand years and they had never understood this. When they ceased to be arrogant and warlike they would be left in peace. T’rln probably had never existed he was just a mythic figure that someone had set up to try and save the species from extinction. Somewhere in the mist of time this race and its warlike mentality had thought itself invincible. Jack understood that was never true. Nothing was invincible. Somewhere there was a power that could destroy them. Perhaps the war with the mythic T’rln was their waterloo against a stronger species that had vanquished them and to save what they could of their tattered egos they created the god. It had been done before and would be done again. Although he would never know the answer to that, Jack clearly understood the war now. When the tipping point was reached, the deciding vote would go against the war. This was their lesson to learn and their decision to make. Until then he would keep his own counsel. This was not his problem to solve.
His problem to solve was his own arrogance. Dying was not the answer. Having his memories softened by the Tphan was not the answer. Facing his enemies and defeating those who would destroy the beautiful world that was the seat of the human race was the answer. Making Ianto and Stephen’s deaths count for something by carrying onward the cause for which they died. Trying to negotiate with an enemy and if that wasn’t possible, fighting for the right to survive. He needed to return. Stephen and Ianto had died fighting to save their world. Stephen may not have realized that but for Jack it was the ultimate sacrifice and he did it knowingly, giving up the love of family for the defeat of the enemy. He would never forget that. There had been no other way.
He had an overwhelming urge to return to the planet he loved, and which had been home for more years than he cared to remember. He wondered if Gwen would rejoin him in his fight to save humanity.