Cuz I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream
Working in a church I witness so many funerals and so many weddings. Quite the opposite of each other often causing my mood to reflect the event going on that day. If there is a funeral... which is often... I watch the service on the monitor and observe the family. I feel for them. Wonder what the person who died was like and how they died. It's all so sad and at the same time an awful reality. Makes me thankful for my loved ones who are still alive and makes me miss those who have passed on. Which reminds me of Montel yesterday... he had Sylvia Browne on and while I think shes a load of horse shit, I definitely believe the stories that the audience members relay to her. One guest even had a video tape of a static-y mumble jumbled answering machine message that she believed to be her recently deceased father. It said something like "So and so I love you... I'm on the other side" It was hard to understand but if you listened carefully and read the words ont he screen you could definitely make it out. Creepy shit. And other guests had ghost stories. Ahhhh.
Then there are the weddings. So joyful, so exciting, so beautiful. A couple embarking on the start of their lives together. All the flowers. All the guests. The bridesmaids and groomsmen. The bride in all of her glory and the groom just the same. I want that. I want to look forward to that. Everytime I witness a wedding I get a pang of not jealousy, but hope that maybe.... just maybe... someday that can all happen for me. It's (almost) every girl's dream.
And then theres that fear that it may never happen. What if I never find the right guy. What if it just doesnt happen for me. I know, can't play the "what if" game but seriously, I can't help but wonder. I'm 19 years old and I still have yet to go on my first date. Come on, that's pretty lame. Guys just don't like me for some reason... Laura told me once that I was lucky to be in my position - I've never been hurt. While that may be so, I also have never felt what it is like to love a guy so deeply as that where the thought of losing him kills me inside. Or what it feels like to be a guy's one true love. I feel like I'm incapable of ever having that. I've never even had a guy interested in me.... what's going to make them start any time soon? When will things change... and will they? I'm not asking for anything major... no serious relationships. I just want to have fun flings to show me... yeah, it's possible, just wait for the right guy... instead of, 'oh god... will there ever even be a guy?!'. It's frustrating. Maybe my personality just sucks majorly. Am I really that bitchy?
*Sigh* Mom broke her foot this past Saturday. I feel bad for her, its the worst bone in her foot to break. We all have to chip in with the house cuz she has to keep it elevated as much as humanly possible. She can't do anything. It sucks. I hope it heals and she doesnt need surgery after 6 weeks with a cast. That will suck so bad...
we leave for Florida on the 27th. That should be an innnteresting trip to say the very least. Oy.
Well, Ive done enough blabbering. I really should have started cleaning my room ages ago. I want some socialization tonight instead of just cleaning and laundry and tv.
Ryan Cabrera next Friday! So excited, I want to meet him so bad. He's such a cutie. MMMmmm. Oh yeah, he's talented too ;-)
I'll leave off with this,
xo *J
Somebody's Somebody
Watchin lovers walkin'
Hand in hand they pass me by
Wish I was one of them
Wish I had somebody
Wakin' up beside me
Looking into my eyes at night
I want a love to call my own
I want someone that I can hold
Want someone wanting me
Wanna feel how it feels to be
Chorus:
Somebody's somebody
Someone's someone
Some sweet lover's lover
I wanna be that one
Someone faithful to someone faithful
Someone kind to someone kind to me
Somebody to somebody who loves me
Who loves me
Spending all of my time
Spending all my time on me
Where is that someone who
I can give my time to
Searching for that lover
With the love that will change my life
I want two arms to hold me close
I want the thing I need the most
Somebody needing me
So I can feel how it feels to be
(Chorus)
What I'm looking for
Is someone to love me more
Than I've been loved before
With love so right
What I need to find
Is someone to hold me tight
What I mean is i want to be
(Chorus)
Somebody's somebody
Somebody's somebody
Somebody's somebody
Somebody's somebody
I wish I was
Somebody's baby