a post
"i gotta feeling... *WOO-HOO*...that tonight's gonna be a good night! that tonight's gonna be a good, good night...a feeling....!" actually, i don't. but the night that song reminds me of was a very good night. for very different reasons than the song was talking about. in that train of thought...sometimes i really do wonder what my life will bring. it seems so random and yet when i look back it feels like i must be truman in THE TRUMAN SHOW: it is so incredibly perfect! nopthing in my life has ever gone wrong...i might as well be a movie character. a strange feeling really.
but then i have another feeling - not about tonight at all. just about the rest of my life...i'm going to TTU this fall and after that i have no idea...thinking about ROTC, and if not maybe the peace corp. but who knows? somewhere in my life i'd like to get married...and sometimes i think MIGHT have met the guy i want to marry... but now is obviously not the time and he is leaving me life. who knows tho? who knows....in 5, 10 years? we will have very different lives, we may be very different people, but maybe just maybe it would be the right time.
i know for a fact tho, that today is not the time! my life is going in a very different direction, and i am very happy with that because i am FAAAAAR too selfish to get married! no one in their right mind should marry me! i love my independence too much to marry anyone anyway... the idea of sharing EVERYTHING with someone i would have to trust and submit to is nowhere near appealing. the only thing i can think of that would every tempt me to even consider marriage is if i met someone who i loved more than i love being single. and that is NOT a good time to pick a spouse. so it seems that for now i get to be all alone! =)
the afor mentioned guy is truly one-of-a-kind. i have been truly blessed to be his friend...he is godly and intriguing, complex and laughable, talented and fun. but the best words by far to describe him are these:
"all that is gold does not glitter.
not all who wonder are lost."
unforgetable.
and i wonder at my own life. like, really? am i really living back here in trousdale county doing all the things i thought i was done with? no...that is what it LOOKS like what i am doing, but what i am doing is following God, so i don't care too much what it looks like...
this summer i will be back in pigeon forge! =)
so why is life so confusing to me? why is it so hard when i know the answers? why can't i make a single decision without SO much controversy from every side? why is being on my own so easy and trying to include other people in my life so hard? why can't i see things the way dad and mom do? why do they worry about me when i am following God with all my heart? how can i show them that i respect them without agreeing with them? why is it that so many of these questions are never answered? why can i talk to some people and not others? why are the people i feel i can talk to so distant from my life (cookeville)?
no, i am not trying to answer these questions. sometimes it's better to just stop talking, stop thinking, and just listen...just soak up His amazing word. i love it.
i am beginning to see that nothing in life is as big a deal as it seems when i am in the middle of it. especially emotions! sometimes i think i am the most emotionally unbalanced person i have ever known! my emotions don't have any control over my life. unless i try to understand them. but how can i simply ignore them when they get so big i can practically SEE them? well, i need to learn to see through them to what really matters.
it's a slow process but i'm working on it...
i'm also working on a lot of relationships...VERY slow-going! but then again, what's the rush? i take each day as it comes and whatever i can do, i will do. but if i can't make time go faster then why try? i like the slow pace sometimes... i know it won't last much longer!... no, i know that waiting on God was never i lesson to rush in learning. patience is a very rare thing and i had better learn some of it so that i can get trhough the rest of my life being able to relax and not always be attempting to rush.
waiting on God....yeah...a very thought-provoking phrase! i never understood it until i actually started doing it and even now i'm not sure i understand. it means being willing to do whatever He gives me to do, but it also means being willing to not do anything that He wants me to hold off on. it means putting ALL my hope in Him. it means living for His approval wholly and exclusively. it means being willing to quiet my heart and listen for as long as it takes to understand...even if that means months. in His time, He will speak. and all that time waiting is like a priceless calm in life's confusion. the confusion of not knowing is so much easier than the confusion of trying to do... the responsability of not knowing is intensified by not knowing if i've missed His direction. but no...He has no problems getting my attention...i am NOT concerned that i've missed His plan.
and i could go on for quite a while but the brother needs the computer.
but then i have another feeling - not about tonight at all. just about the rest of my life...i'm going to TTU this fall and after that i have no idea...thinking about ROTC, and if not maybe the peace corp. but who knows? somewhere in my life i'd like to get married...and sometimes i think MIGHT have met the guy i want to marry... but now is obviously not the time and he is leaving me life. who knows tho? who knows....in 5, 10 years? we will have very different lives, we may be very different people, but maybe just maybe it would be the right time.
i know for a fact tho, that today is not the time! my life is going in a very different direction, and i am very happy with that because i am FAAAAAR too selfish to get married! no one in their right mind should marry me! i love my independence too much to marry anyone anyway... the idea of sharing EVERYTHING with someone i would have to trust and submit to is nowhere near appealing. the only thing i can think of that would every tempt me to even consider marriage is if i met someone who i loved more than i love being single. and that is NOT a good time to pick a spouse. so it seems that for now i get to be all alone! =)
the afor mentioned guy is truly one-of-a-kind. i have been truly blessed to be his friend...he is godly and intriguing, complex and laughable, talented and fun. but the best words by far to describe him are these:
"all that is gold does not glitter.
not all who wonder are lost."
unforgetable.
and i wonder at my own life. like, really? am i really living back here in trousdale county doing all the things i thought i was done with? no...that is what it LOOKS like what i am doing, but what i am doing is following God, so i don't care too much what it looks like...
this summer i will be back in pigeon forge! =)
so why is life so confusing to me? why is it so hard when i know the answers? why can't i make a single decision without SO much controversy from every side? why is being on my own so easy and trying to include other people in my life so hard? why can't i see things the way dad and mom do? why do they worry about me when i am following God with all my heart? how can i show them that i respect them without agreeing with them? why is it that so many of these questions are never answered? why can i talk to some people and not others? why are the people i feel i can talk to so distant from my life (cookeville)?
no, i am not trying to answer these questions. sometimes it's better to just stop talking, stop thinking, and just listen...just soak up His amazing word. i love it.
i am beginning to see that nothing in life is as big a deal as it seems when i am in the middle of it. especially emotions! sometimes i think i am the most emotionally unbalanced person i have ever known! my emotions don't have any control over my life. unless i try to understand them. but how can i simply ignore them when they get so big i can practically SEE them? well, i need to learn to see through them to what really matters.
it's a slow process but i'm working on it...
i'm also working on a lot of relationships...VERY slow-going! but then again, what's the rush? i take each day as it comes and whatever i can do, i will do. but if i can't make time go faster then why try? i like the slow pace sometimes... i know it won't last much longer!... no, i know that waiting on God was never i lesson to rush in learning. patience is a very rare thing and i had better learn some of it so that i can get trhough the rest of my life being able to relax and not always be attempting to rush.
waiting on God....yeah...a very thought-provoking phrase! i never understood it until i actually started doing it and even now i'm not sure i understand. it means being willing to do whatever He gives me to do, but it also means being willing to not do anything that He wants me to hold off on. it means putting ALL my hope in Him. it means living for His approval wholly and exclusively. it means being willing to quiet my heart and listen for as long as it takes to understand...even if that means months. in His time, He will speak. and all that time waiting is like a priceless calm in life's confusion. the confusion of not knowing is so much easier than the confusion of trying to do... the responsability of not knowing is intensified by not knowing if i've missed His direction. but no...He has no problems getting my attention...i am NOT concerned that i've missed His plan.
and i could go on for quite a while but the brother needs the computer.