How do I speak of the undescribable?
There are no words to express the pain and horror that such news brings...
Joanna and I sat contemplatively burning a styrofoam plate over a warm, pleasant oil lamp on Thursday, February 7. The house was dark, empty and cold, but at the kitchen table all was peaceful and heartwarming. The phone rang. Nothing strange about that. Joanna answered it. Nothing strange about that. By the look on her face I knew that news was less than good; how could I know that in five minutes my whole worlds would be blown into bits? She kept talking, so I got up and cleared the table. I slowly stirred the left over spaghetti sauce and thought about my unfinished sketch...Finally, she hung up. I walked over to the door way and saw her stand up with her hand over her mouth. The look on her face was a mix of complete shock and horror. I went to her and she put her arms around me. I braced myself for the worst, or what I thought was the worst - nothing could prepare me for what she had to say. She held me tight and looked into my eyes searching for the right words. I held my breath. Quietly she whispered the words that heartlessly exploded into my consciousness, "It's Jesse."
My head pounded. My heart broke. My world spun.
Thoughts flooded my heart, but one stood out above all the rest: "NO!! Oh God! Not JESSE!!!!" How could me wonderful friend, faithful companion, and godly example be GONE?!?! Over and over my mind pounded with this thought, "Oh God. Oh God! Oh GOD!" Gone, Jesse? The one who always knew what to say. The one who always made me smile. The one who always knew something about everything. The one who liked laughing at me. The one who was always there for me. ......WASN'T.
As I held onto Joanna and screamed, the tears finally came. Flooding into my burning eyes and down my unbelieving face, they kept coming. At times passionate, at times resigned, at times bitter, at times careless...But they ran on and on till I finally fell into a fitful sleep three hours later only to dream about him - alive again.
The next days were a total haze. Once in a while I was calm and full of trust in God and joy for Jesse, but the predominant emotion was disbelief. Pain crowded my heart and threatened to smash it to irreplacable pieces...All I wanted to do was go back in time to when I had him. Every other thing that was said or done reminded me of him; this was normal and if everything else was normal I would have been glad to be reminded of him, I was counting down the days til I got to see him anyway. But now? I hated thinking about him, but I couldn't stop - and I didn't really want to anyway...His is such a beautiful memory.
I still cry. I still hurt dreadfully. I still miss him.
He told me two weeks earlier that he wasn't looking forward to next year at school without me. Did he ever wonder how I'll ever finish this year without him? I've never known anyone like him, and I don't ever expect to. Jesse was truly one-of-a-kind. Many misunderstood him, I was no exception, but we all love magnets before we understand them. Jesse was my friend, my companion, my fellow conspirator, my giant, my brother, my shoulder, my clown, my pal. We could go around the world in 30 seconds in our imaginations. Now it's up to me to find out if we can go to heaven and back.
Joanna and I sat contemplatively burning a styrofoam plate over a warm, pleasant oil lamp on Thursday, February 7. The house was dark, empty and cold, but at the kitchen table all was peaceful and heartwarming. The phone rang. Nothing strange about that. Joanna answered it. Nothing strange about that. By the look on her face I knew that news was less than good; how could I know that in five minutes my whole worlds would be blown into bits? She kept talking, so I got up and cleared the table. I slowly stirred the left over spaghetti sauce and thought about my unfinished sketch...Finally, she hung up. I walked over to the door way and saw her stand up with her hand over her mouth. The look on her face was a mix of complete shock and horror. I went to her and she put her arms around me. I braced myself for the worst, or what I thought was the worst - nothing could prepare me for what she had to say. She held me tight and looked into my eyes searching for the right words. I held my breath. Quietly she whispered the words that heartlessly exploded into my consciousness, "It's Jesse."
My head pounded. My heart broke. My world spun.
Thoughts flooded my heart, but one stood out above all the rest: "NO!! Oh God! Not JESSE!!!!" How could me wonderful friend, faithful companion, and godly example be GONE?!?! Over and over my mind pounded with this thought, "Oh God. Oh God! Oh GOD!" Gone, Jesse? The one who always knew what to say. The one who always made me smile. The one who always knew something about everything. The one who liked laughing at me. The one who was always there for me. ......WASN'T.
As I held onto Joanna and screamed, the tears finally came. Flooding into my burning eyes and down my unbelieving face, they kept coming. At times passionate, at times resigned, at times bitter, at times careless...But they ran on and on till I finally fell into a fitful sleep three hours later only to dream about him - alive again.
The next days were a total haze. Once in a while I was calm and full of trust in God and joy for Jesse, but the predominant emotion was disbelief. Pain crowded my heart and threatened to smash it to irreplacable pieces...All I wanted to do was go back in time to when I had him. Every other thing that was said or done reminded me of him; this was normal and if everything else was normal I would have been glad to be reminded of him, I was counting down the days til I got to see him anyway. But now? I hated thinking about him, but I couldn't stop - and I didn't really want to anyway...His is such a beautiful memory.
I still cry. I still hurt dreadfully. I still miss him.
He told me two weeks earlier that he wasn't looking forward to next year at school without me. Did he ever wonder how I'll ever finish this year without him? I've never known anyone like him, and I don't ever expect to. Jesse was truly one-of-a-kind. Many misunderstood him, I was no exception, but we all love magnets before we understand them. Jesse was my friend, my companion, my fellow conspirator, my giant, my brother, my shoulder, my clown, my pal. We could go around the world in 30 seconds in our imaginations. Now it's up to me to find out if we can go to heaven and back.