I feel sick
Everyday that I don't work on any art, I feel sick. Nauseating sick. Gut wrenching sick. Or maybe that's just my meds doing their usual thing. Well, creating work can be a battle at times. A struggle while I'm on these meds. Try creating art through a drug induced haze and fatigue. More then I can handle at times. I'm dreaming of the day that I finally am in remission. The day that I'm free from the meds. "Fight Club" author Chuck Palahniuk, suggested that chronic pain can be a gift. That tortured souls become true geniuses.
"Art Never Comes From Happiness"
I guess I'm in the progress of testing his words. Palahniuk's novel, "Diary", is laced with true stories of artists who struggled throughout their lives. I always think of Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo (1907-1954), when I'm dealing with my own pains. She was stricken with polio, and a bus accident that she was involved in as a teenager, caused great pain throughout the rest of her life. Being impaled through her vagina stands out in my mind. Do the research.
I still find it hard to believe that the meds that are keeping me alive, can cause so much damage. If a doctor wants to place you on a steroid called Prednisone, I would suggest that you run the other way. I've dealt with just about every possible side-effect that could affect you. I wasn't too happy with the weight gain, and I'm certainly not happy with the steroid induced Avascular Necrosis. As soon as I taper off this steroid, I'm off to Duke University for this Fibular bone graft on my thighbones. Decaying femur heads is painful stuff. I would've never thought that there was blood vessels in bones. Biology was never my favorite course in high school, and I opted on an Earth Science course for my science credit in college.
But, let me move on. I'm getting sidetracked here, and I need to focus. Even if I went into remission today, I would never truly be happy until I'm creating beautiful work on a regular basis. Then I would never be happy until my art career starts taking off again. I keep thinking that I'm dealing with this rare muscle disease for a reason. That I lost my focus some, although I was planning to go to grad school, and this is my time to start shining again. I will probably appreciate my gift and my art more if I can produce through this painful period.
I'll end this first entry with some words of inspiration. I just bought issue #5 of "Kabuki: The Alchemy", by David Mack (not the typical comic book artist and writer), and certain passages just seemed like they were meant for me. Talking to me. Definitely, words to inspire me. Enjoy:
I find that to accomplish anything, you need initiative, persistence, discipline, and will. And most of all, the decision to just do it and set it in motion. The conventional idea of talent is an illusion.
So many people have a natural talent and do nothing with it. You must do something in order for your talent to show up. You don't just wait for it to show up. You don't just wait for it to show up and do nothing. And some people know they have a talent and passion for something, but do nothing with it because they are waiting for someone to validate them, or give them a job, or guarantee them some kind of security before they pursue it. So they never do it.
It doesn't work that way. You do the work first. And then you get the ripple effect. Not the other way around. You have to set it in motion for your talent to emerge and shape itself. You start something even if you are not sure of how to finish it. You see the first stepping stone, and you jump to that.
You can only see the next stepping stone after you get to the first one. Not before. At each jump, the next stepping stone comes into view.
"Art Never Comes From Happiness"
I guess I'm in the progress of testing his words. Palahniuk's novel, "Diary", is laced with true stories of artists who struggled throughout their lives. I always think of Mexican artist, Frida Kahlo (1907-1954), when I'm dealing with my own pains. She was stricken with polio, and a bus accident that she was involved in as a teenager, caused great pain throughout the rest of her life. Being impaled through her vagina stands out in my mind. Do the research.
I still find it hard to believe that the meds that are keeping me alive, can cause so much damage. If a doctor wants to place you on a steroid called Prednisone, I would suggest that you run the other way. I've dealt with just about every possible side-effect that could affect you. I wasn't too happy with the weight gain, and I'm certainly not happy with the steroid induced Avascular Necrosis. As soon as I taper off this steroid, I'm off to Duke University for this Fibular bone graft on my thighbones. Decaying femur heads is painful stuff. I would've never thought that there was blood vessels in bones. Biology was never my favorite course in high school, and I opted on an Earth Science course for my science credit in college.
But, let me move on. I'm getting sidetracked here, and I need to focus. Even if I went into remission today, I would never truly be happy until I'm creating beautiful work on a regular basis. Then I would never be happy until my art career starts taking off again. I keep thinking that I'm dealing with this rare muscle disease for a reason. That I lost my focus some, although I was planning to go to grad school, and this is my time to start shining again. I will probably appreciate my gift and my art more if I can produce through this painful period.
I'll end this first entry with some words of inspiration. I just bought issue #5 of "Kabuki: The Alchemy", by David Mack (not the typical comic book artist and writer), and certain passages just seemed like they were meant for me. Talking to me. Definitely, words to inspire me. Enjoy:
I find that to accomplish anything, you need initiative, persistence, discipline, and will. And most of all, the decision to just do it and set it in motion. The conventional idea of talent is an illusion.
So many people have a natural talent and do nothing with it. You must do something in order for your talent to show up. You don't just wait for it to show up. You don't just wait for it to show up and do nothing. And some people know they have a talent and passion for something, but do nothing with it because they are waiting for someone to validate them, or give them a job, or guarantee them some kind of security before they pursue it. So they never do it.
It doesn't work that way. You do the work first. And then you get the ripple effect. Not the other way around. You have to set it in motion for your talent to emerge and shape itself. You start something even if you are not sure of how to finish it. You see the first stepping stone, and you jump to that.
You can only see the next stepping stone after you get to the first one. Not before. At each jump, the next stepping stone comes into view.