(no subject)
I have not reflected much lately, in words anyway…. as usual my brain is full and I must unload some. I’ve been spending my days lite, simply, simply living physically anyway, but my mind, that creative force, that one room in my mind where things grow toward the light of interest, well it’s starting to become wild and crazy but not messy. The issues I have are satisfying my loud creative core, but also functioning to stand feasible and responsible. It’s hard to satisfy both these demanding ideals. For me one is not conventional or helpful with out the other.
Thumbed my way thru Barnes in Nobel lately, simply reading, listening to music, and admiring the new artists in print. Pass by two reads, one which was curious, ironic and ridiculous, Fighting depression, The second edition, I didn’t understand that, for the need for a second edition, did the first one not do the trick? Even the things that are supposed to help are seamlessly a trick. My favorite was a book called, On Bullshit. A short read mapping out what disserves to be titled and handled as bullshit. It was for the most part good, and I was able to get the jest of it in the store. What a world we live in when some P.H.D. writes the value of our culture’s changing idea of “Bullshit”
The Naples gallery idea, mapped out by Sue and I to be indorsed financially by Sue’s father seems to have fallen apart, I am actually thankful even though the work I could have done there would have been more sincere to some degree. However, the last thing I really want to do is sell art, other people’s art, even if I am whole hearted in the belief of such chosen, creditable work/s under my direction. The job in Naples I hold at present is turning more into a lame undertaking of my consistent financial trapping. I look forward to leaving there…. as the days growing on invite me to understand the place keeping me floating is mentally sinking me deeply, with shit jobs like these. Thankfully I have a job lined up on Sanibel, which I go to interview soon, happy about that, I need to keep my feet on the island anyway, salty and refreshed, it kinda feels right, and I am sure there is a reason for it like most things in life away. I’m always hopeful about theses jobs I find and keep them in good light until the weight of such jobs shit on me heavy. I have never before traveled thru so many jobs in one small period, it’s safe to say a lot of it is me, but I just can not stomach feeling, being treated like shit, as before when I wasn’t feeling this way becasue I fought back or over looked what gives me discomfort, now I soak up the discomfort and hold it inside until I move on to the next chapter hoping that will not be a pond of discomfort too. It’s odd, I have certainly changed in ways I never knew I could. Once being so mouthy and cold, projecting a terror to keep from the pain entering my insides, now it’s the opposite, the reflective shield has all but eroded. I am in this waiting place I think, I ask a lot of myself and I make it harder then it should be, because everything has such meaning and value to me right now, as everything is in question, unlike before when I just wanted to have fun and be shallow with those who assisted me in that venture, like past friends in my life who cared little for ambition so to keep away the stress that comes with moving ahead, quickly and asking so much of one’s self, like hidding behind the stories in gossip heard adding to them even if they are about your friends and throwing them off to someone elses ears, what personal emptiness that is, which keeps them less heavy and merry, avoiding ambition, the questions life asks of us all.
I have run away from those who do harm, I don’t explain myself anymore I just drop the weight with silence and I don’t apologies, they deserve a less easy target and a less obvious industrious push over like myself. I just can’t handle consistence in letdowns, not understanding, and the thoughtless mouthy lack of privacy protruding from the lips of bored window-friends. I know I have not been the very best friend, but I have always listened and always helped with out having to be asked for help, I am proud of that feature, of which so few figures in my past hold. Nonetheless I am moving forward although dealing with how I handle things diffrent, even if they where the right thing to do. I have been keeping to this relationship with Brandon, three months almost; I want to help him in ways that he knows not about life, as I have found he has equally taught me so much, even if it’s being re-taught to me it’s rather valuable right now.
Life is strenuous but passive, fruitful in appearance and never invaluable i feel. Life is valuable now for me more then it has ever been, more then the past 29 years. So much has taken place and so much is to grow from this interesting intermission. I have so many directions I can go, so many angles to look from. Life right now is chosen to some degree, I am just waiting for my shadow to show itself, so I know from where the light is shinning.
Thumbed my way thru Barnes in Nobel lately, simply reading, listening to music, and admiring the new artists in print. Pass by two reads, one which was curious, ironic and ridiculous, Fighting depression, The second edition, I didn’t understand that, for the need for a second edition, did the first one not do the trick? Even the things that are supposed to help are seamlessly a trick. My favorite was a book called, On Bullshit. A short read mapping out what disserves to be titled and handled as bullshit. It was for the most part good, and I was able to get the jest of it in the store. What a world we live in when some P.H.D. writes the value of our culture’s changing idea of “Bullshit”
The Naples gallery idea, mapped out by Sue and I to be indorsed financially by Sue’s father seems to have fallen apart, I am actually thankful even though the work I could have done there would have been more sincere to some degree. However, the last thing I really want to do is sell art, other people’s art, even if I am whole hearted in the belief of such chosen, creditable work/s under my direction. The job in Naples I hold at present is turning more into a lame undertaking of my consistent financial trapping. I look forward to leaving there…. as the days growing on invite me to understand the place keeping me floating is mentally sinking me deeply, with shit jobs like these. Thankfully I have a job lined up on Sanibel, which I go to interview soon, happy about that, I need to keep my feet on the island anyway, salty and refreshed, it kinda feels right, and I am sure there is a reason for it like most things in life away. I’m always hopeful about theses jobs I find and keep them in good light until the weight of such jobs shit on me heavy. I have never before traveled thru so many jobs in one small period, it’s safe to say a lot of it is me, but I just can not stomach feeling, being treated like shit, as before when I wasn’t feeling this way becasue I fought back or over looked what gives me discomfort, now I soak up the discomfort and hold it inside until I move on to the next chapter hoping that will not be a pond of discomfort too. It’s odd, I have certainly changed in ways I never knew I could. Once being so mouthy and cold, projecting a terror to keep from the pain entering my insides, now it’s the opposite, the reflective shield has all but eroded. I am in this waiting place I think, I ask a lot of myself and I make it harder then it should be, because everything has such meaning and value to me right now, as everything is in question, unlike before when I just wanted to have fun and be shallow with those who assisted me in that venture, like past friends in my life who cared little for ambition so to keep away the stress that comes with moving ahead, quickly and asking so much of one’s self, like hidding behind the stories in gossip heard adding to them even if they are about your friends and throwing them off to someone elses ears, what personal emptiness that is, which keeps them less heavy and merry, avoiding ambition, the questions life asks of us all.
I have run away from those who do harm, I don’t explain myself anymore I just drop the weight with silence and I don’t apologies, they deserve a less easy target and a less obvious industrious push over like myself. I just can’t handle consistence in letdowns, not understanding, and the thoughtless mouthy lack of privacy protruding from the lips of bored window-friends. I know I have not been the very best friend, but I have always listened and always helped with out having to be asked for help, I am proud of that feature, of which so few figures in my past hold. Nonetheless I am moving forward although dealing with how I handle things diffrent, even if they where the right thing to do. I have been keeping to this relationship with Brandon, three months almost; I want to help him in ways that he knows not about life, as I have found he has equally taught me so much, even if it’s being re-taught to me it’s rather valuable right now.
Life is strenuous but passive, fruitful in appearance and never invaluable i feel. Life is valuable now for me more then it has ever been, more then the past 29 years. So much has taken place and so much is to grow from this interesting intermission. I have so many directions I can go, so many angles to look from. Life right now is chosen to some degree, I am just waiting for my shadow to show itself, so I know from where the light is shinning.