ahhh bleahhhhh
This move back home, to the palace of monotone is quite, well boring. The freedom boredom gifts gives….but a gift in-between living it offers. Floating I am now, simply being, watching and conversing most often to my key board, and my friend’s voice mail, how I have so few left. There is a cat here and two dogs, a breezy back porch and a kind heart who’s home I house myself in. So few know where my home is now, and I keep that door locked, but freedom has an ugly face, yet smiles so pretty for the moment.
This time will is soft, I have ideas of what I am going to do very soon, but I am just resting now, I want to finish this book I have been working on for a year, “Ego’s Arm Chair”…. thinking about doing a little work in Naples, I have absolutely no interest in going back and finishing up FGCU, the land there is still marsh like the day I left…that’s to bad I suppose considering I just went out there last week to visit and see how I felt in the belly of academia. It’s hard to say what is in store for me…. but at least I have my life back after Miami and New Orleans, finally I have time to think about the speed bumps behind and ahead.
I recently wrote an old friend in St. Augy, gave her shit about not connecting, how she checks in when it’s good for her…she is the most selfish person I have ever met….it’s shameful but I think my friendship with her has died, no huge fight, she just lost interest, as she has done with the many courses of friendship’s “Best-Friend feasts”, I judge her not, but I have learned from her how not to hurt as she so kindly has, stabbing with out a thought. Selfishness is something so many people in my life hold in ball fists in their deep pockets, and that was hard to say, but it’s true . I’m really over it….had I been as selfish as some friends here and past I wouldn’t be staying under a barrowed roof until the new money doesn’t thirst my dry tongue! Just pissing me off…. And I had a tiff with another friend just this past week, although he is fun and wonderful has a great heart I see he has little interest in speaking about anything serious, everything is so very surface, so light and mindless and safe behind a sheet of his colorful blurred dreamy reality, not the kind of guy I can really turn too with things on my mind unless I want to watch his mind sail off on his own thought….he has just recently repeated something I asked him to not to repeat, he has no boundaries and cares not keep things from traveling in from his ears to his tongue. I’m not interested in telling him how I feel about his big fucking mouth, but it’s depressing to know an old friend can not be trusted. It’s hard for me to be the proprietor of patient steps with not saying anything. It’s sad when you find a friend is gone or has been gone, or worse really was never there. expecting anything from people is hard, makes me want to stay home unless I have the full 5 antennary of a days ahead.
