(no subject)
I don't even know what to say about today. It was hot. There's a weather phenomenon called a Heat Dome, and it's been cooking us for a week or so with no end in sight. My apartment is hot. My eyelids are dripping sweat as I type this, and it's midnight.
Last night my sleep was troubled and scant. I woke up late and stale, in a welter of scattered bed clothes. My digestive tract was problematic. Just not a great morning.
I spent some time online. Dragged my way through the completion of the latest Mutant Saint icon on wood. Eventually, got myself together and out the door in the slanting heat of late afternoon.
Today, in Dumb Ideas: taking transit during rush hour by choice.
Also in Dumb Ideas: not going drawing at Toons. Not taking up Bear's Facebook general invite to see a movie. Why was this dumb, in particular? Because it was Fitz's day off, and I'd spoken to him yesterday about the possibility of getting together for a movie tonight, and then he declined to answer my texts yesterday and again today. Just a blip about starting laundry, then nada. So I kind of made a space for him over other pursuits, and he let me down.
It seems to me that he's either so mired in entropy and self-loathing that he can't be arsed to consider the feelings of this particular close friend, or he really is trying to goad me into dumping him. Or, he is confident in the knowledge that I've endured this treatment before and still relented.
It bugs. He knows that Rob starved me with neglect, with the casual knowledge that me and my feelings were no longer of much importance to him. This feels remarkably similar. It's cruel. But if I do hand him his marching papers, then I am utterly alone and will be without human touch.
And so my entire human interaction for this day was the group session at the cancer place, whereat my mood was sad and stormy, which matched the sudden epic thunder- and hailstorm that boiled up out of nowhere.
One more painting started on wood tonight. This one is the saint of the night.
Last night my sleep was troubled and scant. I woke up late and stale, in a welter of scattered bed clothes. My digestive tract was problematic. Just not a great morning.
I spent some time online. Dragged my way through the completion of the latest Mutant Saint icon on wood. Eventually, got myself together and out the door in the slanting heat of late afternoon.
Today, in Dumb Ideas: taking transit during rush hour by choice.
Also in Dumb Ideas: not going drawing at Toons. Not taking up Bear's Facebook general invite to see a movie. Why was this dumb, in particular? Because it was Fitz's day off, and I'd spoken to him yesterday about the possibility of getting together for a movie tonight, and then he declined to answer my texts yesterday and again today. Just a blip about starting laundry, then nada. So I kind of made a space for him over other pursuits, and he let me down.
It seems to me that he's either so mired in entropy and self-loathing that he can't be arsed to consider the feelings of this particular close friend, or he really is trying to goad me into dumping him. Or, he is confident in the knowledge that I've endured this treatment before and still relented.
It bugs. He knows that Rob starved me with neglect, with the casual knowledge that me and my feelings were no longer of much importance to him. This feels remarkably similar. It's cruel. But if I do hand him his marching papers, then I am utterly alone and will be without human touch.
And so my entire human interaction for this day was the group session at the cancer place, whereat my mood was sad and stormy, which matched the sudden epic thunder- and hailstorm that boiled up out of nowhere.
One more painting started on wood tonight. This one is the saint of the night.