(no subject)
So I guess now that I'm back somewhat to stability I feel that I can write a better post and actually keep it online for a change.
These last three days I've felt I've gone to hell and back emotionally. If that isn't enough, there's been enough symbolism in my life to prove a point. I burnt my face, I drank too much, I ripped my favorite spiked belt I've had for years, I broke my mop, I huddled in front of a giant fire, I realized my brother had been smoking cigarettes for half a year and lying to me and finally I stared at and understood what desolation and loneliness really was. And the wonderful climax of it all was a drunken girl crashing through my glass coffee table. Once everyone was gone all I could do was stare at the glass shards on the floor of this glass coffee table that I had owned for so long but had been in storage for years. I had just set it up like the other day. Anyway, this may sound kind of lame, but that broken glass was exactly how I felt, and there it lay, a physical manifestation of where I was currently at. It all came together, and I knew where to go from there. For you have to completely fall apart and collapse, and only then, that you can pick up the pieces and start anew.
And I guess now I'm ready. Or at least, I think I'm ready. I've always let life happen to me and have been extremely passive when I've had to make an important decision about something. But now it's clear I can't do that anymore. I have to stand tall- I'm twenty, I own a house and a car and an okay job and somewhat stable education and great friends that are always there for me. It's so easy to take all that for granted, but I feel that now I can finally appreciate all these things for what they really are and hopefully stop complaining about every single bad thing that comes my way. And no matter how much I feel like I'm in a stalemate, I realize now that I've taken a step forward, and that I'm ready to take another.
I'm not going to sulk anymore.
These last three days I've felt I've gone to hell and back emotionally. If that isn't enough, there's been enough symbolism in my life to prove a point. I burnt my face, I drank too much, I ripped my favorite spiked belt I've had for years, I broke my mop, I huddled in front of a giant fire, I realized my brother had been smoking cigarettes for half a year and lying to me and finally I stared at and understood what desolation and loneliness really was. And the wonderful climax of it all was a drunken girl crashing through my glass coffee table. Once everyone was gone all I could do was stare at the glass shards on the floor of this glass coffee table that I had owned for so long but had been in storage for years. I had just set it up like the other day. Anyway, this may sound kind of lame, but that broken glass was exactly how I felt, and there it lay, a physical manifestation of where I was currently at. It all came together, and I knew where to go from there. For you have to completely fall apart and collapse, and only then, that you can pick up the pieces and start anew.
And I guess now I'm ready. Or at least, I think I'm ready. I've always let life happen to me and have been extremely passive when I've had to make an important decision about something. But now it's clear I can't do that anymore. I have to stand tall- I'm twenty, I own a house and a car and an okay job and somewhat stable education and great friends that are always there for me. It's so easy to take all that for granted, but I feel that now I can finally appreciate all these things for what they really are and hopefully stop complaining about every single bad thing that comes my way. And no matter how much I feel like I'm in a stalemate, I realize now that I've taken a step forward, and that I'm ready to take another.
I'm not going to sulk anymore.