(no subject)
Well, I guess I've been home from my vacation for two days now, time slips by and my life never seems to stop happening long enough for me to sit down and make notations on what just happened in my life.
Not working for nine days was fantastic. Traveling was draining as always, but mostly uneventful. I picked up some sort of cough sneeze snot blah cold on the flights to Texas while spending as many of those hours as possible asleep and inhaling too deeply through my mouth instead of my nose filter system for being contained in those jam packed germ tubes in the sky.
So I landed in Dallas early afternoon on Sunday the 9th, the weather was warm and I had to ditch my sweater pretty quickly. All the premonitions of snow in the northwest that threatened to hamper my drive up to the airport and possibly my flight departures turned out to be for nought. I drove up in the middle of the night and didn't see so much as a drop of rain. Upon arrival in TX, I stopped paying attention to the weather back home and soaked up the 70 degree niceness that was to be found for a few days there. By Monday I was feeling somewhat sickly, but didn't let it get to me too much. I wasn't exactly running around a lot, so it didn't slow me down. I sat around in my PJs a lot the first few days, doing not much of anything, which was grand. Evenings were generally spent hanging out and drinking, often with some folks stopping in to join us. Repeat. Eventually I made it out of the house, and Friday after going out to dinner ventured up to Denton so I could get my yearly night in at Lucky Lou's. I do adore that place still. I guess that was the only night I went out, go figure.
All in all it was a lazy and sedate vacation. I felt a bit bad that I didn't make much effort to track down friends and make plans to get together. I just really didn't feel up to scheduling out my time and feeling pressed to get in enough time with folks, or get around to seeing everyone. Of course, only one person contacted me to try and see me, so I only feel a touch bad. And the couple people I did see, it came about by chance, as I told Diana I'd be out Thursday, then wasn't but forgot to tell her that, and didn't tell her I was going to be out Friday, but spied Kelly across the bar late Friday night and went running across the room to say hello. So got to spend a small amount of time with Kelly and Diana, and loved that, was nice to say hello and laugh a while. I guess it's actually only been about 5 months since I've seen them, since they came and visited me this summer, but always good to see the people I don't get to very often. I was hoping chance would work even more in my favor and I'd run into Ktrey and Candace while I was out, but alas.
All in all I suppose it was a surreal week. I mostly drifted about in a state of relaxed displacement and submission to whatever came my way. I enjoyed being around Ariel and her family, as they are the main reason I take my one bit of vacation every year and travel to TX. Staying with them is great in that wherever it is they reside each year, it is very much a home away from home to me. Around them I can relax as much as if I were in my own dwelling, yet I lack the nag of things that need to be done that exists at home. All in all I'd have liked to have spent more time with her. I enjoyed being around her, and refreshing that, you're my closest friend and a constant part of my life thing with the actual physical presence and not just matching distant conversations with the body language and facial expressions impressed on my mind from past days of constant contact. Still, as much as I enjoyed being around her, we both would have been much pleased to have had more than the few scant moments to sit and talk to each other and share our lives and thoughts and such outside of the social group gatherings. Alas, this is how things go sometimes. She was trying to tend to certain things in her life and keep a balance of happiness about. It all backfired anyway and left us both feeling cheated, but what can you do. Where those certain people exist in their worlds of insecurities and self-delusion, tip-toeing and glass walking generally seems to come to nothing in the end, usually it just means sacrifice for the walker, and the other party flips their shit regardless. I've seen it again and again recently. I'd just hoped, that with all the drama that a simple few people have been creating in my life here through not dealing with their own issues, that I could have a vacation for that sort of senseless bullshit while taking a vacation from this location and my daily routine and responsibilities. But it seems to be constantly existent at a 2nd degree from my relationships these days. I'm blessed enough to have both a romantic/loving relationship and a friendship that are each amazing, close, and that I have total faith in, and where these feelings and communication and everything is mutual and balanced. Relationships I don't have to worry about falling apart, am unable to conceive of anything that could take them from me or me from them. I feel lucky. There are just people on the periphery, who can't seem to handle any of it. Who refuse to face themselves, much less to see things for what they are, much less to accept it all. No one is being threatened, nothing is happening to any of them but what they do to themselves. But they continue on, screwing with us to varying degrees. Oh well, what can they possibly achieve?
Yes, I'm being totally vague, musing about. It's not worth it to me to spit vehemences of so and so did this and did that and said this and said that. There's little point. Everything is fine and fantastic between myself and the people that matter to me. I have my girl, love of my life. I have my best friend, inseparable always. I have many other friends and great people around me. So having a few people throwing stones and spitting self-contradicting fire worries me so little. My only concern for it being for my girls, who have to deal with these people while I'm left free to dismiss them entirely from my immediate life. Oh well, things change. I'm not too worried about it.
Coming home was one of those split feelings. I was eager to get home, but as always, torn to be saying goodbye to Ariel and her girls again. Last time I hoped I'd be able to shift my life to be able to visit more frequently. This time I was left not even being sure I'd be able to visit within the next year. It's a split. Wanting to go, but not feeling at all right about only having one short week of each 52 with real contact. But, we both feel we are in the right places for the moment, and will miss each other, but cannot see any immediate shifts that can be made. And we're young still, and never worry about losing touch or falling out of each other's lives.
Apparently I unknowingly timed my return trip just right. I found quite a few people on the second leg of my flights that had spent more than 24 hours trying to get back to Portland, as just the day before flights had been cancelled due to ice and freezing rain in Portland. I got back uneventfully, however, flew in shortly after midnight to a cold, but dry night. The roads were dry and the drive home uneventful after the initial shock of finding my car in the long-term parking, 3/4 encased in a thick sheet of ice. But, after thawing and pushing off large sheets and chunks, all was well, and I made my way back to Eugene, arriving home around 3:30am Monday morning, to find my house nice and warm, as *someone* had stopped in and turned the heat on for my impending arrival, and also left a beautiful vase full of pink and red roses next to my bed. I fell fast asleep, feeling well loved and cared for and slept hard for hours until waking in a haze to find the girl slipping under the covers and warming me with a much missed smile.
We spent the rest of the day Monday together, and my feelings of displacement and weariness from some of the straining events of my last hours in TX slowly slipped off, falling away completely after we'd picked up Xander from the sitter and I found myself back in my warm comforting space of total rightness with my family. Where I know always I'm in the right place, doing what I need to be doing, that all will be well and is only getting better and better. Home. I knew I was home. We made dinner and stayed at my place, Xander curled up with me to watch Nemo, since I'd never seen it, and at some point stopped to tell me she liked me a lot and had missed me so long while I was away. What a sweetheart.
I wasn't too excited about returning to work, of course. But cheered up when I remembered we're still closing early and my work days are pretty short. I've got a lot of paperwork to catch up on, and taxes to get to, and other responsibilities I'd rather not deal with, but nothing too big. I'll end up working late today, as I didn't get a lot done yesterday. Oona's battery has gotten old and her car wouldn't start yesterday, so she didn't go to class. When I got off work I looked at her car and jumped it and made sure it was just the battery causing the issue. Then I opted to hang out with them for a few hours after work instead of doing paperwork, we went to the park across the street and played and had a peaceful afternoon.
The weather here is absolutely ludicrous for January. Everyone keeps asking me if I brought it back from TX with me. I have to explain to them that it's actually pretty chilly down there at the moment, though I did enjoy similarly warm weather on my trip. But it was just great yesterday to have it in the upper 60s here, to go play in the park, and sit on my front porch with the front door of the house open to let in some air and such. I don't miss being as cold as I was before I left on the trip. My mother actually made a comment to my dad last night, as he spent the afternoon yesterday doing payroll taxes for his business, she mentioned that I had a lot of paperwork to do, but had put it off to enjoy the weather and play in the park with my girls, and that it was great that I make those choices and balance life and work. Really I'm just a slacker, but they can think what they want.
It's definitely going to be tough to go back to full work days here, as much as I enjoy my work. I'm definitely more focused on the rest of my life these days, and as far as work, more focused on how things are changing and trying to figure out what will be happening in the future as I make plans to move and such. I've been waiting to hear from my landlord as to his plans to get a better idea of when I'll move out of my house, but it sounds like he's not going to be doing that, as it turns out he's not really sure what he's going to do with the place, and doesn't seem to want to mess with it. He's buying a house in Bend, and moving in the next two years, has other projects, and really doesn't like remodeling. This opens up an option I had hoped for in the past, the possibility of myself, or my parents buying the house I live in, remodeling it, and staying there. This isn't so much of an option now though, as I've decided already I want to be in Eugene.
Xander started talking recently about how she wants to live in a "Princess house" with me, and have her own room. And now she's constantly on about how her house is an old house, and how she's going to get a new house sometime, and I guess she's decided when she gets her new house she is also getting a new kitty. We'll have to find a cat friendly house anyway, since my Molly will be coming with me, so, I guess another kitten will be a viable option. I'm definitely looking forward to moving, and having more space and sharing it with the people I try to see every day as it is. With how much I already spend on rent, and sharing the rent and utilities with someone else, I'm sure we can find a great place for the three of us, I'm aiming for a three bedroom, with a room for Xander, and an extra room for an office/studio/workspace, and a good setup overall for us to be comfy, and to be able to have people over. It's all still months and months off, but is exciting nonetheless.
I'm not sure how moving will effect my business and my work and how I'll rearrange all of that, but I'm not worried about it. I'm very clear on what's important to me these days, and feel that everything is and will continue to fall into place. We'll always get by and have what we need. So, as usual these days. All is well. I'm happy in the present, and excited about the future.
Love And Some Verses:: Iron & Wine:: Our Endless Numbered Days
Not working for nine days was fantastic. Traveling was draining as always, but mostly uneventful. I picked up some sort of cough sneeze snot blah cold on the flights to Texas while spending as many of those hours as possible asleep and inhaling too deeply through my mouth instead of my nose filter system for being contained in those jam packed germ tubes in the sky.
So I landed in Dallas early afternoon on Sunday the 9th, the weather was warm and I had to ditch my sweater pretty quickly. All the premonitions of snow in the northwest that threatened to hamper my drive up to the airport and possibly my flight departures turned out to be for nought. I drove up in the middle of the night and didn't see so much as a drop of rain. Upon arrival in TX, I stopped paying attention to the weather back home and soaked up the 70 degree niceness that was to be found for a few days there. By Monday I was feeling somewhat sickly, but didn't let it get to me too much. I wasn't exactly running around a lot, so it didn't slow me down. I sat around in my PJs a lot the first few days, doing not much of anything, which was grand. Evenings were generally spent hanging out and drinking, often with some folks stopping in to join us. Repeat. Eventually I made it out of the house, and Friday after going out to dinner ventured up to Denton so I could get my yearly night in at Lucky Lou's. I do adore that place still. I guess that was the only night I went out, go figure.
All in all it was a lazy and sedate vacation. I felt a bit bad that I didn't make much effort to track down friends and make plans to get together. I just really didn't feel up to scheduling out my time and feeling pressed to get in enough time with folks, or get around to seeing everyone. Of course, only one person contacted me to try and see me, so I only feel a touch bad. And the couple people I did see, it came about by chance, as I told Diana I'd be out Thursday, then wasn't but forgot to tell her that, and didn't tell her I was going to be out Friday, but spied Kelly across the bar late Friday night and went running across the room to say hello. So got to spend a small amount of time with Kelly and Diana, and loved that, was nice to say hello and laugh a while. I guess it's actually only been about 5 months since I've seen them, since they came and visited me this summer, but always good to see the people I don't get to very often. I was hoping chance would work even more in my favor and I'd run into Ktrey and Candace while I was out, but alas.
All in all I suppose it was a surreal week. I mostly drifted about in a state of relaxed displacement and submission to whatever came my way. I enjoyed being around Ariel and her family, as they are the main reason I take my one bit of vacation every year and travel to TX. Staying with them is great in that wherever it is they reside each year, it is very much a home away from home to me. Around them I can relax as much as if I were in my own dwelling, yet I lack the nag of things that need to be done that exists at home. All in all I'd have liked to have spent more time with her. I enjoyed being around her, and refreshing that, you're my closest friend and a constant part of my life thing with the actual physical presence and not just matching distant conversations with the body language and facial expressions impressed on my mind from past days of constant contact. Still, as much as I enjoyed being around her, we both would have been much pleased to have had more than the few scant moments to sit and talk to each other and share our lives and thoughts and such outside of the social group gatherings. Alas, this is how things go sometimes. She was trying to tend to certain things in her life and keep a balance of happiness about. It all backfired anyway and left us both feeling cheated, but what can you do. Where those certain people exist in their worlds of insecurities and self-delusion, tip-toeing and glass walking generally seems to come to nothing in the end, usually it just means sacrifice for the walker, and the other party flips their shit regardless. I've seen it again and again recently. I'd just hoped, that with all the drama that a simple few people have been creating in my life here through not dealing with their own issues, that I could have a vacation for that sort of senseless bullshit while taking a vacation from this location and my daily routine and responsibilities. But it seems to be constantly existent at a 2nd degree from my relationships these days. I'm blessed enough to have both a romantic/loving relationship and a friendship that are each amazing, close, and that I have total faith in, and where these feelings and communication and everything is mutual and balanced. Relationships I don't have to worry about falling apart, am unable to conceive of anything that could take them from me or me from them. I feel lucky. There are just people on the periphery, who can't seem to handle any of it. Who refuse to face themselves, much less to see things for what they are, much less to accept it all. No one is being threatened, nothing is happening to any of them but what they do to themselves. But they continue on, screwing with us to varying degrees. Oh well, what can they possibly achieve?
Yes, I'm being totally vague, musing about. It's not worth it to me to spit vehemences of so and so did this and did that and said this and said that. There's little point. Everything is fine and fantastic between myself and the people that matter to me. I have my girl, love of my life. I have my best friend, inseparable always. I have many other friends and great people around me. So having a few people throwing stones and spitting self-contradicting fire worries me so little. My only concern for it being for my girls, who have to deal with these people while I'm left free to dismiss them entirely from my immediate life. Oh well, things change. I'm not too worried about it.
Coming home was one of those split feelings. I was eager to get home, but as always, torn to be saying goodbye to Ariel and her girls again. Last time I hoped I'd be able to shift my life to be able to visit more frequently. This time I was left not even being sure I'd be able to visit within the next year. It's a split. Wanting to go, but not feeling at all right about only having one short week of each 52 with real contact. But, we both feel we are in the right places for the moment, and will miss each other, but cannot see any immediate shifts that can be made. And we're young still, and never worry about losing touch or falling out of each other's lives.
Apparently I unknowingly timed my return trip just right. I found quite a few people on the second leg of my flights that had spent more than 24 hours trying to get back to Portland, as just the day before flights had been cancelled due to ice and freezing rain in Portland. I got back uneventfully, however, flew in shortly after midnight to a cold, but dry night. The roads were dry and the drive home uneventful after the initial shock of finding my car in the long-term parking, 3/4 encased in a thick sheet of ice. But, after thawing and pushing off large sheets and chunks, all was well, and I made my way back to Eugene, arriving home around 3:30am Monday morning, to find my house nice and warm, as *someone* had stopped in and turned the heat on for my impending arrival, and also left a beautiful vase full of pink and red roses next to my bed. I fell fast asleep, feeling well loved and cared for and slept hard for hours until waking in a haze to find the girl slipping under the covers and warming me with a much missed smile.
We spent the rest of the day Monday together, and my feelings of displacement and weariness from some of the straining events of my last hours in TX slowly slipped off, falling away completely after we'd picked up Xander from the sitter and I found myself back in my warm comforting space of total rightness with my family. Where I know always I'm in the right place, doing what I need to be doing, that all will be well and is only getting better and better. Home. I knew I was home. We made dinner and stayed at my place, Xander curled up with me to watch Nemo, since I'd never seen it, and at some point stopped to tell me she liked me a lot and had missed me so long while I was away. What a sweetheart.
I wasn't too excited about returning to work, of course. But cheered up when I remembered we're still closing early and my work days are pretty short. I've got a lot of paperwork to catch up on, and taxes to get to, and other responsibilities I'd rather not deal with, but nothing too big. I'll end up working late today, as I didn't get a lot done yesterday. Oona's battery has gotten old and her car wouldn't start yesterday, so she didn't go to class. When I got off work I looked at her car and jumped it and made sure it was just the battery causing the issue. Then I opted to hang out with them for a few hours after work instead of doing paperwork, we went to the park across the street and played and had a peaceful afternoon.
The weather here is absolutely ludicrous for January. Everyone keeps asking me if I brought it back from TX with me. I have to explain to them that it's actually pretty chilly down there at the moment, though I did enjoy similarly warm weather on my trip. But it was just great yesterday to have it in the upper 60s here, to go play in the park, and sit on my front porch with the front door of the house open to let in some air and such. I don't miss being as cold as I was before I left on the trip. My mother actually made a comment to my dad last night, as he spent the afternoon yesterday doing payroll taxes for his business, she mentioned that I had a lot of paperwork to do, but had put it off to enjoy the weather and play in the park with my girls, and that it was great that I make those choices and balance life and work. Really I'm just a slacker, but they can think what they want.
It's definitely going to be tough to go back to full work days here, as much as I enjoy my work. I'm definitely more focused on the rest of my life these days, and as far as work, more focused on how things are changing and trying to figure out what will be happening in the future as I make plans to move and such. I've been waiting to hear from my landlord as to his plans to get a better idea of when I'll move out of my house, but it sounds like he's not going to be doing that, as it turns out he's not really sure what he's going to do with the place, and doesn't seem to want to mess with it. He's buying a house in Bend, and moving in the next two years, has other projects, and really doesn't like remodeling. This opens up an option I had hoped for in the past, the possibility of myself, or my parents buying the house I live in, remodeling it, and staying there. This isn't so much of an option now though, as I've decided already I want to be in Eugene.
Xander started talking recently about how she wants to live in a "Princess house" with me, and have her own room. And now she's constantly on about how her house is an old house, and how she's going to get a new house sometime, and I guess she's decided when she gets her new house she is also getting a new kitty. We'll have to find a cat friendly house anyway, since my Molly will be coming with me, so, I guess another kitten will be a viable option. I'm definitely looking forward to moving, and having more space and sharing it with the people I try to see every day as it is. With how much I already spend on rent, and sharing the rent and utilities with someone else, I'm sure we can find a great place for the three of us, I'm aiming for a three bedroom, with a room for Xander, and an extra room for an office/studio/workspace, and a good setup overall for us to be comfy, and to be able to have people over. It's all still months and months off, but is exciting nonetheless.
I'm not sure how moving will effect my business and my work and how I'll rearrange all of that, but I'm not worried about it. I'm very clear on what's important to me these days, and feel that everything is and will continue to fall into place. We'll always get by and have what we need. So, as usual these days. All is well. I'm happy in the present, and excited about the future.
Love And Some Verses:: Iron & Wine:: Our Endless Numbered Days