Firsts | Chapter 2 | A Harry Potter Fanfiction

[artierayne]

Title: Firsts
Characters: Neville Longbottom
Rating: PG
Spoilers: full series
Summary: A series of drabbles documenting all of the important "Firsts" in Neville Longbottom's life. 
Chapter: 2 - Grievance
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

The first time that Neville feels grief is when he's just about six years old. It's early summer and the weather has been unseasonably warm, so he's free to play in the yard as much as he likes. He helps his grandparents chase the gnomes out of the vegetable patches and he competes with himself to see if he can jump over the little pond. At night he tries to catch fireflies and billywigs. All in all, his life is good and happy.

He doesn't think much about it when Granddad gets a cough. It's Granddad, and he's always active and moving, so Neville doesn't expect anything to happen. Three days later though, the cough still hasn't gone away. Granddad is so tired that he doesn't even get out of bed and he coughs so much he sounds like he's going to choke. After another two days he is sweating and shaking. That's when Gran calls the medi-wizard.

The medi-wizard is a cheerful young wizard who smiles a lot and talks really fast. He gives Neville a chocolate frog before he goes in to talk to Granddad, and Neville races off to add the card, Hengist of Woodcroft, to his collection. The medi-wizard is in talking to Granddad and Gran for a long time, so when Neville gets bored he goes out into the yard and tries to throw pebbles over the back wall. It's a lot taller than him and he only makes it over a couple of times. Mostly they bounce off and fall in the grass. He'll have to pick them up later because it annoys Gran when there's rocks in her grass.

Gran comes out to get him for dinner and they eat up in his grandparents' bedroom, so they can sit with Granddad. After they eat, they tell Neville that there's something important they need to tell him. The medi-wizard found out what was wrong with Granddad and he left some potions that would help make the cough hurt less and keep his fever down.

"But there's no potion that will make it go away," Granddad finishes. Gran hasn't spoken much, her jaw clamped shut like she's angry about something. "So they think that really soon I'm going to go away."

"Do you have to go live at the hospital like Mum and Dad?" Neville asks. He knows that the hospital is where people go when they're sick, and it makes sense that they can put Granddad there because he's sick too. "That won't be too bad. Then we can still come visit you, like we visit Mum and Dad."

"No, I won't be at the hospital," Granddad explains and his smile looks sad. That's strange to Neville, because he didn't think smiles could be sad. Smiles were supposed to be for happy things. "I'll be gone, where you can't come visit me."

Gran stands up all of a sudden. She still looks hard and angry, and she gathers up their dinner bowls and leaves the room. Granddad watches her go with the same sad look in his eyes. Neville is just confused. "Where are you going then?" he asks. He didn't know there were places to send people that you couldn't visit them. That just seems cruel.

Granddad sighs and pats the bed beside him. Neville climbs up and sits down cross-legged, staring up at his Granddad's big blue eyes. They have the same eyes, the same eyes that his Dad has too. Longbottom Blues, his Gran calls them. "I'm going to die, Neville," Granddad says gently. "This sickness is going to get too bad, and I'm going to die."

"No." Neville says it before he even thinks about it. Granddad can't die, that doesn't make sense. His granddad has always been there for him, he can't just suddenly go away. Who will help him weed the gardens, and toss food to the kelpies down at the lake? Who will teach him about all of the plants that they want to grow when they finish the greenhouse? Who will be there to talk to him when he's older and in school? He loves his Gran, but there are some things he just can't talk to her about. Granddad has always been the one he talks to.

"Neville, that's the way life goes," Granddad says. He reaches out and puts a hand on Neville's shoulder, and the touch feels so good that Neville feels tears in his eyes. "We grow old and we die. That's just the way things happen."

"It's not fair," Neville whines. He knows he sounds like a little baby but he doesn't care. He doesn't want Granddad to go away. His Mum and Dad don't even know who he is and they won't even talk to him when he sees them. He can't lose Granddad too. "I don't want you to die."

"I know, m'boy," Granddad says. He tugs with the hand on Neville's shoulder and pulls him into his side. Neville curls up on the bed next to him and he cries while Granddad holds him. "But you know what, I am so proud to have seen you grow up this long," Granddad says. "You are going to be a great wizard someday, I know it. And so long as you keep working hard, like you do in those gardens, well then you're going to do just fine."

"I don't want to work in the garden no more," Neville says, wrinkling his nose. "Not without you."

"But you won't be without me, not out in those gardens," Granddad says. Neville blinks and looks up at him with wide eyes. "I will always be out there with all of our plants and when you go out and work in them, then I'm going to be right there with you. You won't be able to see me, but I'll be watching over you and listening to everything you tell me."

"Promise?" Neville asks.

"Promise," Granddad says very seriously.

It's only three days later when Granddad goes away. Neville and Gran are both there, just sitting in there and talking to him. They do that almost all day long during those three days. Neville knows it's 'cause they want to spend all the time together that they can before Granddad leaves. Each day Granddad sleeps more and talks less. That third day, Granddad goes to sleep and doesn't wake up.

The funeral is strange to Neville. He's never been to one before. Everyone is so solemn and quiet. Gran doesn't cry, but lots of people do. Neville doesn't cry much either; he cried most of his tears out that first day. Granddad told him not to cry because he's gone, so he doesn't. Just a couple little tears when he looks in the big wooden box and sees Granddad's pale, blank face frowning up at him. It doesn't look at all like he remembers his Granddad; no sparkling blue eyes, no playful smile, no deep laugh. No, his Granddad is definitely gone.

It's late at night by the time they get home from the funeral. Neville feels a weird, sad ache in his chest and he doesn't know what to do about it. He would talk to Gran about it, but she's talking to Auntie Enid and Uncle Algie, so instead he goes out into the yard. His feet carry him to the little vegetable garden and he stares down at the plants. Flowers are blossoming all over in the green, pretty white and yellow blossoms that he knows are going to turn into delicious veggies that Gran will cook up with supper.

There are stubby weeds poking up through the dirt and Neville frowns at him. Granddad hates it when the weeds try to sneak in and choke his precious plants. Neville hurries to gather up the little digging shovel and the old cracked bucket that Granddad puts the weeds in, and then he goes back to the gardens. Taking off his suit jacket and rolling up the sleeves of his dress shirt, he starts plucking out the weeds and tossing them into the bucket. He works until he gets all of the weeds out and dumps them in the bin on the side of the house. Then he fills up the watering can and waters every plant until the soil is damp and dark.

He steps back to admire it. The garden looks good, lush and promising a lot of vegetables come July. Granddad would be proud of it. Neville sits down on the grass and stares at the gardens, thinking about Granddad while he eyes all of the little blossoms on the plants.

"Neville," Gran calls from the back door sometime later when it's very dark out. "Bedtime."

Neville stands up and brushes off his pants, but there's still mud crusted onto the knees and dirty hand prints where he'd wiped his hands off. There's a streak of mud up his right sleeve despite the fact that he rolled them up, and his hands are brown and gritty. Gran doesn't say anything about it when he comes in, which is weird. Normally Gran gets angry when he comes in the house all dirty. She just tells him to take his shoes off at the door and then points him toward the restroom.

Neither of them talk while Neville washes up and then changes into his pyjamas. Uncle Algie and Auntie Enid are gone and the house is quiet. It makes little goosebumps break out on Neville's skin. When he's bundled up in his favorite train pyjamas and curled up under the covers, Gran comes in to tuck him in. She smooths the blankets out much more than usual, fussing over a fray near the corner.

"Gran," Neville says timidly. She doesn't say anything but she nods to show she's listening to him. "I wanna finish the greenhouse. Is that okay? Then we can grow vegetables all year long."

Gran doesn't say anything for a long time. Then she reaches out and brushes the hair off his forehead and bends down to kiss it. "That sounds like a good plan," she says. When she sits up again she looks just the same as always, but there's a little tear sparkling on her cheek. She rubs it away just as fast and says, "Now you get some sleep. That's going to be some hard work."

"Night, Gran," Neville says as she stands up and walks out of his room. She closes the door behind her, but not all of the way so a little crack of light is still visible. She knows he doesn't like the dark. Neville rolls over in his bed and thinks about that little tear on his Gran's cheek. He's never seen Gran cry before. Never. He always thought maybe she just couldn't. That maybe she was too tough to cry. But that was a real tear, he knows it. Which means even his tough old Gran is sad because Granddad is gone.

Neville curls down further in his blankets. The house feels kind of cold all of a sudden, even though it's summer and his pyjamas and blanket are both thick and warm. Usually this time of night Granddad sings when he's getting ready for bed. He's not a good singer; he's loud and sounds more like he's shouting than singing. But he still does it every night and it echoes through the house and makes it less quiet and spooky. Or, he used to do it every night. He won't be doing that anymore. He's gone.

A sob slips out and Neville wraps in tighter on himself. Granddad is gone. He's not going to ruffle Neville's hair, or help him in the garden, or sing silly songs, or tell Gran what a crazy old bat she is ever again. He won't be there when Neville goes away to school, or when he graduates. He won't be there to talk to him about girls when Neville gets his first crush. Even though Neville's scared of girls - they make him stutter and then laugh at him - Granddad was always so sure that Neville would start to like them. He's never going to be there again. Granddad is gone for good.

Shaking with tears, Neville crawls down off his bed. He knows he shouldn't, but he walks across the hall and goes into Gran and Granddad's room. Gran is sitting in bed in her favourite nightgown, the lamps on and a photo album in her lap. She looks up when he comes in, but she doesn't look surprised or stern like she usually does when he comes in after she's tucked him in. Neville climbs up on the bed with her and she lets him snuggle in next to her side. They don't talk. Neville hiccoughs through his tears and Gran just turns the pages in the photo album. Pictures of her and Granddad and Mum and Dad and Neville all smile up at them and wave.

When Gran gets to the last page she closes the book and puts it on the bedside table. She waves her wand and the lights go out, and then she slides down under the covers. Neville lays down beside her and closes his eyes. After a little bit Gran reaches over and wraps her hand around his, and it feels warm and comforting. They don't say anything and they just go to sleep.