Lighthouse | A Haven Fanfiction
Title: Lighthouse
Characters: Nathan Wuornos, Audrey Parker
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: all of season one
Summary: Companion to Thicker than Water. He was sure that he hadn't seen the last of his nightmares. John Doe's employer was still out there, and the scars would never completely fade. But with her at his side, he knew he'd make it somehow.
Word Count: 2,820
Disclaimer: I don't own Haven.
Dark. Darkness pressing in on him from every direction. Nathan tossed anxiously but he couldn't find any escape from it. It was everywhere. Nothing but the crushing darkness, dragging him under. Then there were the sounds, and the smells; a sharp crack, the cloying thickness of heat, clanging metal, frigid air, rattling chains, coppery blood, sweet chloroform.
And then the voice, that low, silken voice. It glided and slid, like oil over glass. Smooth and dark and sinister. It spoke to him from behind the shadows. "Nathan... Nathan... You can't escape... You can't hide..." It taunted him. "She's gone, Nathan... You failed her... Just like you failed your mother... You've failed, Nathan..."
"Please," he begged, twisting around inside his black prison and looking for some hope, some shred of light that might free him from this hell.
"You are going to die, Nathan." The pressure was building as the shadows wrapped themselves tighter around him. He couldn't breath, couldn't speak. It was not just around him, it was inside of him, flooding his lungs until he couldn't draw breath. He was going to die, sucked down into the shadows. "You can't escape me."
And he could feel it, feel the air slipping away from him. The walls were drawing closer, pressing in on him until he couldn't move at all. He was trapped, bound in place by a net of darkness. His head felt heavy and light at the same time, and his thoughts were sluggish until all he could process was the fear. The terror of the shadows tangled around him and of what awaited him when he disappeared beneath it all.
"Nathan." That voice wasn't the same. It wasn't the horrible voice, it was her voice. His Audrey. And she was afraid. The man was hurting her, making her scared. "Nathan..."
He had to get to her, to help her, but he couldn't get free. He was trapped, stuck, and his focus was starting to slip as it grew ever harder to breath. The ache in his chest had expanded until no air could come in, no matter how deeply he inhaled. He couldn't even hear the pounding of his heart anymore. Nothing except for Audrey's voice pleading with him for help, repeating his name over and over again.
And then the laughter. That dark, vicious taunting laughter. And he knew it was over. He had lost. He'd failed and now he would die. An agonizing pain exploded in his chest and he screamed.
Nathan bolted upright in bed so quickly that he slipped off the edge and crashed to the floor. His eyes struggled to take in his surroundings, searching out for anything in the darkness. His heart was beating so loudly in his ears that he couldn't hear anything else. The nausea swept up in him suddenly and he staggered awkwardly to the bathroom, tripping as his legs tangled in the blankets he'd pulled off the bed with him. His body shook as he bent over the toilet and vomited.
"Nathan!" Audrey's shout startled him, and then suddenly the lights flared into life all around him. Her hand lighted on his back, and he could feel the cold sweat that had broken out over his skin beneath her warm palm. "Nathan, are you alright?"
He closed his eyes and slumped down to the floor, sitting cross-legged and shaking. He couldn't get that voice out of his head, the mocking laugh that haunted him, and he couldn't quell the fear that was still throbbing inside his chest.
"Nathan, talk to me," Audrey demanded. Her hand left his back and this time touched his cheek, both hands cupping his face. "Nate, look at me," she said, her thumbs sweeping across his cheekbones. As she did he felt the moisture and wondered when he'd begun crying. It seemed to take a great deal of effort to pry his eyes open, but when he did it was to see her face hovering inches from his, her big blue eyes wide with concern. She was scared, yes, but she was definitely alive.
Nathan immediately reached out and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him in a tight hug. She curled up in his lap, resting her head in the crook of his neck and drawing as close to him as she could get. One hand rested on the back of his neck while the other brushed a steady rhythm up and down his spine. Audrey murmured quietly to him, soft words and reassurances that he couldn't be bothered to actually understand. Holding her he knew all that he needed to know; they were alive, safe, and it had been nothing but another bad dream.
"Nathan, hey, what's the matter?" Audrey asked when the shaking had abated slightly. He took a deep breath but couldn't seem to make himself say the words. It turned out he didn't need to. "The dream again?"
"I'm sorry," he muttered weakly.
"No." Audrey sat back and took his face in her hands again, forcing him to meet her gaze. "Don't be sorry. Never be sorry. You don't always have to be mister tough guy, you know?" Nathan cracked the smallest of smiles at her joke, a teasing nickname she'd been using for him since they first met. Audrey bent in and kissed him, and when she finally broke it she leaned her forehead against his. "I'm proud of you, Nathan. You're the strongest man I know."
Tears were sparking at the corners of Nathan's eyes again and he blinked to push them back. "I'm going to wash up," he said, embarrassed by the croak of his voice. He cleared his throat before continuing, "Maybe brush my teeth." When Audrey glanced at him questioningly, he added, "And then I'll come back to bed."
"Okay," she agreed and she kissed his forehead once before climbing up out of his lap. He could feel her gaze on him as he pulled himself up, but by the time he was standing again and he looked in the mirror she was gone. The creak of the mattress springs told him she'd gotten back into bed.
Flushing the toilet quickly, Nathan then turned on the sink and washed his face. He brushed his teeth three times and used an overly-large mouthful of Listerine before he was satisfied. And then he leaned against the counter and stared at his reflection in the mirror.
It had been four months now. Four months since he'd been kidnapped by a professional torturer who called himself John Doe. He'd been held in a basement beneath an old barn on Rock Ridge for thirty-six hours, and they had been the most terrifying hours of his life. A blood transfusion from Audrey had made him able to feel pain, and it was a fact that John Doe had taken full advantage of. Worse still than the physical pain was the emotional; he'd been convinced that Audrey had died, and that had hurt more than any knife or burn. Then finally it had all concluded in being buried alive in a coffin, trapped inside a darkness that he couldn't escape until he'd run out of oxygen.
Four months and he still couldn't shake the nightmares. Every time he thought that he was better, the nightmare would come back out of nowhere and tear him down again. He was physically recovered from the ordeal finally. Stitches had dissolved, staples had been removed. Sprains and breaks had healed. There was nothing left but some scars, pale white over his skin. Skin grafts had covered most of the worst damage, around his wrists and ankles, and some of the thicker cuts to his back. All of the little white scars blended in with the others he had accumulated over time. All but one.
Nathan lifted a hand and traced the set of narrow white lines that stretched across his right pectoral. A lot of stitches and one skin graft later the letters had faded to only the vaguest shadows of their previous appearance, the sort you could only see if you knew to look for them. He could still remember John Doe carving it into his chest, and the anguish he had felt when that little mirror had showed him the word forever etched into his skin. Audrey. At the time it had been a reminder of the woman he had failed to protect, who had died simply because she had been close to him.
Now, it was a reminder of the woman who had freed him from hell and brought him back to life when he'd given up.
"Nate?"
Nathan dropped his hand and gave himself one last look in the bathroom mirror. "Coming," he called back, pleased to hear that his voice didn't sound as thick. He grabbed the hand towel and dried his face, and then flicked off the bathroom light as he walked back into the bedroom.
Audrey was sitting up on the bed, her legs folded up to her side as she watched the doorway expectantly. The lamps in the room were lit, casting a soft golden glow around the room, and Nathan was grateful for the light. She met his gaze curiously when he crossed to the bed and she seemed to be satisfied with what she saw because she gave him a small smile. He returned it and slid under the blankets, leaning back against the headboard. Audrey tucked herself into his side, wrapping her arms around him and draping her legs across one of his.
"You going to be okay?" she asked, as casually as if she was asking about the weather.
"I will be," he answered, curling his arms more securely around her and focusing on the feel of her skin touching his. It helped to keep him grounded.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Audrey asked, tilting her head slightly to look up at him through her lashes.
"It was the same thing," he said as simply as he could. He took a deep breath, drawing in the smell of lily and lilac, to keep away the memories threatening to overwhelm him. "The dark. And his voice."
"You said my name." Nathan blinked in surprise and glanced down at her questioningly. "When you were asleep, you were murmuring my name. I tried to wake you up but it was like you couldn't hear me. And then you screamed and woke up."
Nathan breathed deeply again, counting in his head to make sure he held the breaths for exactly five seconds before exhaling again. It was a de-stressing technique he'd learned in high school that helped him stay focused. "I could hear you," he admitted and he felt Audrey's eyelashes tickle his skin as she looked up at him again. "You sounded scared. I thought - I thought he was hurting you, and I couldn't get to you. I couldn't protect you." Something caught in his chest again and he cleared his throat to get rid of it. "I thought I'd failed you."
"Oh Nathan," Audrey sat up straighter and this time she kissed him soundly, straddling his lap and keeping her arms firmly around him. Nathan closed his eyes and drank in the contact that he had come to rely on so much over the last few months. She was his port in the storm, the one who brought him in from the darkness. When they finally broke apart, both of them breathing heavily, she looked him in the eye and said, "You could never fail me."
Nathan pulled her to him again and kissed her, trying to convey everything that he was feeling through the action. He wasn't a man of words, he had never been good with them. Actions were more his level, and especially with Audrey Parker where he could feel her touch. He could act and respond and he used that ability to tell her everything he couldn't find the right words to say.
Audrey reciprocated eagerly and it didn't take long before she took control of the situation. Nathan didn't mind at all, since usually he was so caught up in the sensory overload that her body gave him that he couldn't think straight in the first place. No matter how many times they did this, her every touch still managed to strike him just as profoundly as that first kiss on the cheek.
By the time they collapsed together on the bedsheets nightmares were the furthest thing from Nathan's mind. Audrey molded herself to his side, her legs wrapped around one of his and her head resting on his chest. He could feel his heartbeat hammering beneath her ear as he struggled to catch his breath. Audrey's hand lay on his stomach, tracing idle patterns over his skin and he fought the urge to flinch as it tickled simply because he loved the feeling so much.
"Parker?" Nathan asked after a few minutes when her hand had stilled and they'd lapsed into a steady quiet. Audrey hummed to show she was listening. "You know I love you, right?"
Audrey lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest, smiling up at him. "Of course," she replied simply. "Why else would you have let me move in here without asking?"
Nathan chuckled. "Not that you gave me much of a choice," he pointed out. After he'd been released from the hospital Audrey had accompanied him home. She wound up staying at his house every night, going home in the mornings to change before coming right back. After about two weeks of that he'd told her to just move her things in already. As much as he'd thought that sharing his house with another person might be strange - and there were definitely times where it had been - it was also worth it and he didn't regret it.
"Well a girl can grow old waiting for you, Wuornos," Audrey said unconcernedly, shrugging against his side. She nuzzled her head more securely into the hollow beneath his collarbone, pressing a light kiss to his skin as she did so. "But I love you too, you know?"
"I know," Nathan said and he squeezed her shoulders affectionately. They lay in the quiet for a while longer, and eventually he heard her breathing slow until she was asleep. Nathan smiled and rested his head against the top of hers, staring down at her in the lamp light. She filled his every sense; the sight of her smooth pale skin, the sound of her soft breathing, the feel of her warm body curled around his, the taste of her kiss on his lips, the smell of her lily body wash and lilac shampoo. She was everything to him, the one who saved him and kept him whole.
He was sure he hadn't seen the last of his nightmares. Whoever had hired John Doe was out there, and that was a thought that would always haunt the back of his mind. He still flinched whenever he heard dock chains rattle in the tide, or when he smelled hot metal. The sound of duct tape made him cringe and he was fairly positive that he would never be able to completely overcome his fear of dark, enclosed spaces. This wasn't over. But with Audrey at his side, he would find a way to make it through. She gave him the hope to keep going and something worth fighting for.
She was his light in the darkness, forever guiding him home.
Characters: Nathan Wuornos, Audrey Parker
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: all of season one
Summary: Companion to Thicker than Water. He was sure that he hadn't seen the last of his nightmares. John Doe's employer was still out there, and the scars would never completely fade. But with her at his side, he knew he'd make it somehow.
Word Count: 2,820
Disclaimer: I don't own Haven.
Dark. Darkness pressing in on him from every direction. Nathan tossed anxiously but he couldn't find any escape from it. It was everywhere. Nothing but the crushing darkness, dragging him under. Then there were the sounds, and the smells; a sharp crack, the cloying thickness of heat, clanging metal, frigid air, rattling chains, coppery blood, sweet chloroform.
And then the voice, that low, silken voice. It glided and slid, like oil over glass. Smooth and dark and sinister. It spoke to him from behind the shadows. "Nathan... Nathan... You can't escape... You can't hide..." It taunted him. "She's gone, Nathan... You failed her... Just like you failed your mother... You've failed, Nathan..."
"Please," he begged, twisting around inside his black prison and looking for some hope, some shred of light that might free him from this hell.
"You are going to die, Nathan." The pressure was building as the shadows wrapped themselves tighter around him. He couldn't breath, couldn't speak. It was not just around him, it was inside of him, flooding his lungs until he couldn't draw breath. He was going to die, sucked down into the shadows. "You can't escape me."
And he could feel it, feel the air slipping away from him. The walls were drawing closer, pressing in on him until he couldn't move at all. He was trapped, bound in place by a net of darkness. His head felt heavy and light at the same time, and his thoughts were sluggish until all he could process was the fear. The terror of the shadows tangled around him and of what awaited him when he disappeared beneath it all.
"Nathan." That voice wasn't the same. It wasn't the horrible voice, it was her voice. His Audrey. And she was afraid. The man was hurting her, making her scared. "Nathan..."
He had to get to her, to help her, but he couldn't get free. He was trapped, stuck, and his focus was starting to slip as it grew ever harder to breath. The ache in his chest had expanded until no air could come in, no matter how deeply he inhaled. He couldn't even hear the pounding of his heart anymore. Nothing except for Audrey's voice pleading with him for help, repeating his name over and over again.
And then the laughter. That dark, vicious taunting laughter. And he knew it was over. He had lost. He'd failed and now he would die. An agonizing pain exploded in his chest and he screamed.
Nathan bolted upright in bed so quickly that he slipped off the edge and crashed to the floor. His eyes struggled to take in his surroundings, searching out for anything in the darkness. His heart was beating so loudly in his ears that he couldn't hear anything else. The nausea swept up in him suddenly and he staggered awkwardly to the bathroom, tripping as his legs tangled in the blankets he'd pulled off the bed with him. His body shook as he bent over the toilet and vomited.
"Nathan!" Audrey's shout startled him, and then suddenly the lights flared into life all around him. Her hand lighted on his back, and he could feel the cold sweat that had broken out over his skin beneath her warm palm. "Nathan, are you alright?"
He closed his eyes and slumped down to the floor, sitting cross-legged and shaking. He couldn't get that voice out of his head, the mocking laugh that haunted him, and he couldn't quell the fear that was still throbbing inside his chest.
"Nathan, talk to me," Audrey demanded. Her hand left his back and this time touched his cheek, both hands cupping his face. "Nate, look at me," she said, her thumbs sweeping across his cheekbones. As she did he felt the moisture and wondered when he'd begun crying. It seemed to take a great deal of effort to pry his eyes open, but when he did it was to see her face hovering inches from his, her big blue eyes wide with concern. She was scared, yes, but she was definitely alive.
Nathan immediately reached out and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him in a tight hug. She curled up in his lap, resting her head in the crook of his neck and drawing as close to him as she could get. One hand rested on the back of his neck while the other brushed a steady rhythm up and down his spine. Audrey murmured quietly to him, soft words and reassurances that he couldn't be bothered to actually understand. Holding her he knew all that he needed to know; they were alive, safe, and it had been nothing but another bad dream.
"Nathan, hey, what's the matter?" Audrey asked when the shaking had abated slightly. He took a deep breath but couldn't seem to make himself say the words. It turned out he didn't need to. "The dream again?"
"I'm sorry," he muttered weakly.
"No." Audrey sat back and took his face in her hands again, forcing him to meet her gaze. "Don't be sorry. Never be sorry. You don't always have to be mister tough guy, you know?" Nathan cracked the smallest of smiles at her joke, a teasing nickname she'd been using for him since they first met. Audrey bent in and kissed him, and when she finally broke it she leaned her forehead against his. "I'm proud of you, Nathan. You're the strongest man I know."
Tears were sparking at the corners of Nathan's eyes again and he blinked to push them back. "I'm going to wash up," he said, embarrassed by the croak of his voice. He cleared his throat before continuing, "Maybe brush my teeth." When Audrey glanced at him questioningly, he added, "And then I'll come back to bed."
"Okay," she agreed and she kissed his forehead once before climbing up out of his lap. He could feel her gaze on him as he pulled himself up, but by the time he was standing again and he looked in the mirror she was gone. The creak of the mattress springs told him she'd gotten back into bed.
Flushing the toilet quickly, Nathan then turned on the sink and washed his face. He brushed his teeth three times and used an overly-large mouthful of Listerine before he was satisfied. And then he leaned against the counter and stared at his reflection in the mirror.
It had been four months now. Four months since he'd been kidnapped by a professional torturer who called himself John Doe. He'd been held in a basement beneath an old barn on Rock Ridge for thirty-six hours, and they had been the most terrifying hours of his life. A blood transfusion from Audrey had made him able to feel pain, and it was a fact that John Doe had taken full advantage of. Worse still than the physical pain was the emotional; he'd been convinced that Audrey had died, and that had hurt more than any knife or burn. Then finally it had all concluded in being buried alive in a coffin, trapped inside a darkness that he couldn't escape until he'd run out of oxygen.
Four months and he still couldn't shake the nightmares. Every time he thought that he was better, the nightmare would come back out of nowhere and tear him down again. He was physically recovered from the ordeal finally. Stitches had dissolved, staples had been removed. Sprains and breaks had healed. There was nothing left but some scars, pale white over his skin. Skin grafts had covered most of the worst damage, around his wrists and ankles, and some of the thicker cuts to his back. All of the little white scars blended in with the others he had accumulated over time. All but one.
Nathan lifted a hand and traced the set of narrow white lines that stretched across his right pectoral. A lot of stitches and one skin graft later the letters had faded to only the vaguest shadows of their previous appearance, the sort you could only see if you knew to look for them. He could still remember John Doe carving it into his chest, and the anguish he had felt when that little mirror had showed him the word forever etched into his skin. Audrey. At the time it had been a reminder of the woman he had failed to protect, who had died simply because she had been close to him.
Now, it was a reminder of the woman who had freed him from hell and brought him back to life when he'd given up.
"Nate?"
Nathan dropped his hand and gave himself one last look in the bathroom mirror. "Coming," he called back, pleased to hear that his voice didn't sound as thick. He grabbed the hand towel and dried his face, and then flicked off the bathroom light as he walked back into the bedroom.
Audrey was sitting up on the bed, her legs folded up to her side as she watched the doorway expectantly. The lamps in the room were lit, casting a soft golden glow around the room, and Nathan was grateful for the light. She met his gaze curiously when he crossed to the bed and she seemed to be satisfied with what she saw because she gave him a small smile. He returned it and slid under the blankets, leaning back against the headboard. Audrey tucked herself into his side, wrapping her arms around him and draping her legs across one of his.
"You going to be okay?" she asked, as casually as if she was asking about the weather.
"I will be," he answered, curling his arms more securely around her and focusing on the feel of her skin touching his. It helped to keep him grounded.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Audrey asked, tilting her head slightly to look up at him through her lashes.
"It was the same thing," he said as simply as he could. He took a deep breath, drawing in the smell of lily and lilac, to keep away the memories threatening to overwhelm him. "The dark. And his voice."
"You said my name." Nathan blinked in surprise and glanced down at her questioningly. "When you were asleep, you were murmuring my name. I tried to wake you up but it was like you couldn't hear me. And then you screamed and woke up."
Nathan breathed deeply again, counting in his head to make sure he held the breaths for exactly five seconds before exhaling again. It was a de-stressing technique he'd learned in high school that helped him stay focused. "I could hear you," he admitted and he felt Audrey's eyelashes tickle his skin as she looked up at him again. "You sounded scared. I thought - I thought he was hurting you, and I couldn't get to you. I couldn't protect you." Something caught in his chest again and he cleared his throat to get rid of it. "I thought I'd failed you."
"Oh Nathan," Audrey sat up straighter and this time she kissed him soundly, straddling his lap and keeping her arms firmly around him. Nathan closed his eyes and drank in the contact that he had come to rely on so much over the last few months. She was his port in the storm, the one who brought him in from the darkness. When they finally broke apart, both of them breathing heavily, she looked him in the eye and said, "You could never fail me."
Nathan pulled her to him again and kissed her, trying to convey everything that he was feeling through the action. He wasn't a man of words, he had never been good with them. Actions were more his level, and especially with Audrey Parker where he could feel her touch. He could act and respond and he used that ability to tell her everything he couldn't find the right words to say.
Audrey reciprocated eagerly and it didn't take long before she took control of the situation. Nathan didn't mind at all, since usually he was so caught up in the sensory overload that her body gave him that he couldn't think straight in the first place. No matter how many times they did this, her every touch still managed to strike him just as profoundly as that first kiss on the cheek.
By the time they collapsed together on the bedsheets nightmares were the furthest thing from Nathan's mind. Audrey molded herself to his side, her legs wrapped around one of his and her head resting on his chest. He could feel his heartbeat hammering beneath her ear as he struggled to catch his breath. Audrey's hand lay on his stomach, tracing idle patterns over his skin and he fought the urge to flinch as it tickled simply because he loved the feeling so much.
"Parker?" Nathan asked after a few minutes when her hand had stilled and they'd lapsed into a steady quiet. Audrey hummed to show she was listening. "You know I love you, right?"
Audrey lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest, smiling up at him. "Of course," she replied simply. "Why else would you have let me move in here without asking?"
Nathan chuckled. "Not that you gave me much of a choice," he pointed out. After he'd been released from the hospital Audrey had accompanied him home. She wound up staying at his house every night, going home in the mornings to change before coming right back. After about two weeks of that he'd told her to just move her things in already. As much as he'd thought that sharing his house with another person might be strange - and there were definitely times where it had been - it was also worth it and he didn't regret it.
"Well a girl can grow old waiting for you, Wuornos," Audrey said unconcernedly, shrugging against his side. She nuzzled her head more securely into the hollow beneath his collarbone, pressing a light kiss to his skin as she did so. "But I love you too, you know?"
"I know," Nathan said and he squeezed her shoulders affectionately. They lay in the quiet for a while longer, and eventually he heard her breathing slow until she was asleep. Nathan smiled and rested his head against the top of hers, staring down at her in the lamp light. She filled his every sense; the sight of her smooth pale skin, the sound of her soft breathing, the feel of her warm body curled around his, the taste of her kiss on his lips, the smell of her lily body wash and lilac shampoo. She was everything to him, the one who saved him and kept him whole.
He was sure he hadn't seen the last of his nightmares. Whoever had hired John Doe was out there, and that was a thought that would always haunt the back of his mind. He still flinched whenever he heard dock chains rattle in the tide, or when he smelled hot metal. The sound of duct tape made him cringe and he was fairly positive that he would never be able to completely overcome his fear of dark, enclosed spaces. This wasn't over. But with Audrey at his side, he would find a way to make it through. She gave him the hope to keep going and something worth fighting for.
She was his light in the darkness, forever guiding him home.