How to Procrastinate Away a Day at Work
1.) 7:00am Arrive to work before your coworkers, this gives the illusion of dedication and is handy in later arguments with the boss “but I was here EARLY.” If you’re there first, they never really know what time you actually arrived.
2.) Upon arriving early, mess up desk with papers, then proceed to the cafeteria to make breakfast and heat up coffee.
3.) 7:00am - 7:30am Gossip and flirt with IT guy. This is not only fun, but it will provide safety of your volume of emails, and a blind eye turned to your level of internet time. IT protection at work is key to survival. And it ensures that you have a black HP system with Windows XP, while your co-workers and boss run along with gray Acers with Windows 98.
4.) 7:30am - 8:00am Drink coffee and eat breakfast while surfing the internet. Nerdy websites are a great way to start the day, what better than Joss Whedon news to start the morning?
5.) 8:00am - 8:25am Reply to any social emails that arrived over night. Impress on those you email how much you do not want to be at work. READ spam emails, because a woman’s satisfaction with her man’s penis size and stock market advice can be entertaining at this hour of the day.
6.) 8:25am Five minutes before boss arrives, be sure to be active, walking to photocopier or filing cabinets gives the illusion of being in mid-stream on your work and further impresses the idea that you came to work early because you’re keen.
7.) 8:30am - 8:45am Listen to boss’ rant of the morning. There always is one when you work for a drama queen. Could include cat’s death, car breaking down, trouble with TV, getting burned in tanning bed, getting new kittens, being sick. Try to look interested even though you are secretly thinking about what it would feel like to be in a coma and be forced to listen to her talk without the ability to shut her up.
8.) 8:45am - 9:00am Walk to friends cubicles and catch up on the morning gossip. This is the perfect time to do so, as boss is busy making HER coffee and replying to HER emails. She is still not awake and therefore does not care what you might be doing. Be sure to comment on pregnant coworker’s ass size, everyone’s shoes, what was on TV last night, and about being at work once again.
9.) 9:00am - 9:45am Work on some little projects, ensuring that you walk around frequently to the printer, photocopier and fax machines. The more often you wander, the busier you look.
10.) At some point in your wandering, go to the bathroom. Make sure to stare long and hard at your tired face in the mirror and wonder why you work for a living. Know how much more attractive you would be if you had time to get ready properly in the morning and didn’t have to wake up at 6:00am.
11.) 9:45am SIGH loudly at desk, or while in motion. This gives the illusion that you are hard at work at something frustrating and should not be disturbed. If you know someone is watching you, rub your face or pull at your hair to further give the illusion of frustration. This is the most effective way to keep people away from you.
12.) 9:45am - 10:00am Daydream in a half awake, half asleep state. Fuzzy gray walls provide almost a hypnotic quality.
13.) 10:00am - 10:15am Make tea in the cafeteria with co-worker. Even if you don’t want tea, go to the cafeteria anyhow. Be social. Appear happy. Make tea. It’s 10 oclock!
14.) 10:15am - 10:30am Prepare morning snack, fruit, yogurt, whatever you want, but do it with diligence. A healthy worker is a happy worker, giving the impression that you are concerned for your health. This will make you appear more responsible and organized in your life. The truth is eating is a good time waster.
15.) 10:30am Fill up water bottle at water cooler. If hot water boy happens to come through the office, STOP everything you are doing to watch him lug the bottles up and down the hall. Gather with other women to whisper about the water boy. Be sure to call coworkers who were not there, to tell them they missed the water boy.
16.) 10:30am - 11:00am Reply to morning emails from other friends complaining at their jobs. Be sure you enforce again how bored you are, and how much you hate working.
17.) 11:00am Read various inappropriate forwards from boss. Naked men, sexual jokes and various pictures of kittens. Be sure to laugh out loud, or boss will interrupt your slacking with questions like “did you get my email, I thought it was hilarious”. Pretend to be amused by her idiocy, no matter how tasteless it may be.
18.) 11:15am - 11:20am Be sure to SIGH again. Hard work isn’t it? Go to the bathroom again. Try to STORM to the bathroom as though something is really driving you nuts. This time be sure to stare intently at your shoes while peeing. It’s amazing how long you can stare at your feet and not lose interest. If someone else enters the bathroom, leave quickly so that they do not have time to recognize your feet and start a mid-pee conversation.
19.) 11:20am YAWN. All this hard work is tiring. Stretch, lean back in your chair. Give the impression that you deserve a moment to yourself.
20.) Go to water cooler again. Hydration is key.
21.) 11:20am - 11:35am Check on summer student. Note that he actually works harder than you, for less money. Chuckle at this idea. Chat with him about the only things that 19 year olds seem to know about, bars, movies, bands and school. Snicker to yourself at his keen work ethic, and then give him more work to do. More work for him, means less work for you.
22.) 11:35am - 11:45am Call friend that works downstairs to catch up on the gossip. Again, be sure to mention size of pregnant coworker’s ass and everyone’s shoes. If Thursday, be sure to whine about Weight Watchers. If Friday, plot plans for lunch out.
23.) 11:45am - 11:55am Stare at your fingernails and wonder why you don’t make enough money to have nice nails. Imagine what it would be like to have nice looking fingernails. Pick at hangnails out of sheer boredom, nervousness and frustration. Drink tea, its getting cold. Daydream.
24.) 11:55am Get ready for lunch. You must be prepared that lunchtime is coming, as you do not want to waste a moment.
25.) 12:00pm - 1:00pm LUNCH! Leave office to run errands, sit in the sun, or just generally get away. If Thursday, grumble to Weight Watchers meeting and miserably eat salad with other chubby girls. If Friday, get in the car with the other 4 bitches and head to the pub for lunch! Bitch about work, eat greasy food, wish the afternoon would go away and wish you all could have beer. In this case, you will be ½ an hour late returning… and THIS is when the “but I was in EARLY” argument comes in handy.
26.) 1:00pm - 1:30pm Reply to all the emails from friends that arrived in your lunchtime absence. Reinforce how this afternoon will be the longest afternoon of your life. Even if you said that yesterday.
27.) 1:30pm - 1:40pm Actually do 10 minutes work. Then walk back and forth to the printer at least 5 times.
28.) 1:40pm - 2:20pm Help summer student by answering questions and appearing smart. Looking smart to a 19 year old isn’t that hard.
29.) 2:20pm - 2:40pm Go to the vending machine and stare at the contents. Ask those around you what you should get, and then argue with what they say, eventually purchasing what you wanted in the first place.
30.) 2:40pm - 3:00pm Savor the bag of delicious evilness that you purchased from the vending machine. Promise yourself to be good with your food tomorrow. If you can't afford a snack, take up humming to occupy yourself. But remember, no one likes a whistler.
31.) 3:00pm - 3:30pm Read and reply more social email from friends. Wonder how it is you manage to get anything done. But smile knowing you accomplish a lot by doing nothing.
32.) LAST HOUR!!
33.) 3:30pm - 3:45pm Find friends and complain to them in their cubicles about the last hour of work and how it’s the worst torture on earth. Complain about all the junk food you ate today, even though you did it to yourself. So did they, they understand.
34.) 3:45pm - 4:00pm Go on the internet, because surely, you must have more email waiting there. Not that it can’t wait until you get home, but the temptation is just too much. Stare at your online banking as though staring will make your money grow. Wonder again why it is you have no money.
35.) 4:00pm - 4:15pm Post this foolishness, go to the bathroom again, and leave!!!