fic: a humbled, contrite heart 4
Title: A Humbled, Contrite Heart Pt.4
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin; Longinus/Agathon
Rating: 15
Word Count: 2099
Warnings: religious themes, angst
Summary:
What does it take for love to be able to survive?
“What’s going on here?” Guinevere asked, backing away slightly.
Merlin noticed that Arthur shuffled in Guinevere’s direction, trying to put distance between himself and Merlin so that they did not look as suspicious.
“He’s an old friend, from school,” Arthur replied with the tone of voice he used to use when lying to his father about Merlin.
“Why were you…” Guinevere began, but trailed off, instead gesturing between them with her hands.
“We weren’t doing anything, Gwen, I promise,” Arthur said, crossing the distance to her in a swift movement and rubbing her shoulders, “what were you doing out?”
“We’d run out of tea,” she began, indicating the bag that had now fallen to the floor. Nobody said anything, and Guinevere visibly felt out of place; “I’d better go, Dad will be wondering where I am.”
Arthur nodded, then gently cupped her chin so he could give her a sweet kiss. Merlin looked away sharply.
“I love you,” she said quietly, and then scurried away down the road.
Arthur stood with his shoulders hunched and his back to Merlin. Merlin felt waves of anger, embarrassment, and fear roll through him like a torrent. It was one of those moments when a person either becomes rooted to the spot, or runs away; Merlin’s body (for it wasn’t his mind) had chosen to root itself.
Slowly Arthur turned around, and glanced at Merlin with sad eyes; “I’m sorry, Merlin.”
Merlin’s voice was quiet and a little raspy as he said, “sorry for kissing your fiancé?”
“No, of course not,” Arthur replied, raising a hand to rub the back of his own neck nervously. The awkwardness became palpable.
“Arthur,” Merlin began, “what would you do if I said I had a boyfriend? That he’s waiting for me at home?”
Arthur bristled, and he struggled to keep the scowl off his face, “do you?” he demanded more forcefully than he had intended.
“No,” Merlin answered, “but that’s how I felt a moment ago.”
Arthur silently nodded in understanding, “this is such a mess, Merlin.”
They stood in silence for a few moments more, but when Arthur said nothing further, Merlin turned to leave.
“Where are you going?” Arthur asked again, fear lining his face.
“Home, Arthur, you should do the same. It was good to see you again,” Merlin said over his shoulder, without stopping.
Arthur jogged forward and grabbed Merlin’s wrist again, jerking him back quite roughly; “didn’t you hear me?” Arthur whispered, “I said I can’t lose you again.”
Merlin couldn’t help the flush of hope that swept through him, but it only lasted a moment.
“I’ve told you before; I won’t be some sort of mistress. I’m either with you, or I’m not.” Merlin said.
“You’re with me now, that’s all that matters,” Arthur whispered, placing his other hand lightly on Merlin’s hip. The touch was like the touch of a hot iron; it scorched through Merlin’s clothes, his skin, his muscles, right down to the bone. It felt like they had been soldered together.
Merlin felt his resolve slipping away, he tried to shuffle out of Arthur’s grip, but he only tightened his hold, drawing Merlin in closer.
Merlin grappled to maintain control, to do what he felt was right; to walk away and move on with his life. To pretend that this evening had never happened; to wipe it from his mind. That was what he wanted to do, and he kept repeating it to himself silently, over and over again.
Arthur’s thumb started to rub circles on his hips, and the litany of objections in Merlin’s mind began to waver. He struggled to remember what his objections were, and why it was a good idea to flee before this went any further. But with each circle of Arthur’s thumb, Merlin cracked a little bit more. Finally, the last fibre of Merlin’s defences melted to nothing.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Merlin admitted with a sigh, “so much Arthur! I dream of you every night, every time I close my eyes. It’s been like this world is the dream world; I live to go to sleep and have my second life with you in my imagination. I’ve lost so much since you left; you left me an utter wreck! Nobody was there to pick up the pieces, because nobody knew what was wrong! All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, Arthur, tell me you’re happy?”
“I am now,” Arthur replied, his voice speaking directly into Merlin’s ear.
Tears streamed down Merlin’s face yet again, and he spared just a fraction of a moment to wonder where they were all coming from.
“I love you, Arthur! God help me, I love you!” Merlin cried, his body shaking now with the force of his tears.
Arthur turned him around in his arms, and Merlin saw that Arthur’s face was stained with tears as well.
“I love you too, Merlin Emrys,” Arthur whined through his tears, and leaned in to kiss Merlin.
Merlin met his kiss eagerly and wrapped his arms around Arthur.
…
Guinevere, intrigued and concerned, had walked full-circle around the block. She stood in horror at the sight of what her fiancé was doing mere feet away. She was the third person that night to shed tears.
She just couldn’t believe it. Arthur and her had been together for so long, and he’d never shown any hint of having feelings for men. She knew he’d had a close friend before he met her, and that somehow he had hurt Arthur, but she never thought that when he had said ‘close’ he had meant something like this.
The pieces started to fall into place; Arthur had said he was an old friend, this could be the same person who had hurt Arthur in the past. If Arthur still had feelings for him, then what did this mean for their wedding?
Guinevere’s heart broke in her chest, and she span around to go home the long way, leaving Arthur and his companion kissing in the darkness of the night.
A/N: Happy Eastertide everybody. Following my little tradition, now, of dedicating these chapters to people: I dedicate this chapter to all Christians, with a plea that they live up to their calling to be the Body of Christ...
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin; Longinus/Agathon
Rating: 15
Word Count: 2099
Warnings: religious themes, angst
Summary:
What does it take for love to be able to survive?
“What’s going on here?” Guinevere asked, backing away slightly.
Merlin noticed that Arthur shuffled in Guinevere’s direction, trying to put distance between himself and Merlin so that they did not look as suspicious.
“He’s an old friend, from school,” Arthur replied with the tone of voice he used to use when lying to his father about Merlin.
“Why were you…” Guinevere began, but trailed off, instead gesturing between them with her hands.
“We weren’t doing anything, Gwen, I promise,” Arthur said, crossing the distance to her in a swift movement and rubbing her shoulders, “what were you doing out?”
“We’d run out of tea,” she began, indicating the bag that had now fallen to the floor. Nobody said anything, and Guinevere visibly felt out of place; “I’d better go, Dad will be wondering where I am.”
Arthur nodded, then gently cupped her chin so he could give her a sweet kiss. Merlin looked away sharply.
“I love you,” she said quietly, and then scurried away down the road.
Arthur stood with his shoulders hunched and his back to Merlin. Merlin felt waves of anger, embarrassment, and fear roll through him like a torrent. It was one of those moments when a person either becomes rooted to the spot, or runs away; Merlin’s body (for it wasn’t his mind) had chosen to root itself.
Slowly Arthur turned around, and glanced at Merlin with sad eyes; “I’m sorry, Merlin.”
Merlin’s voice was quiet and a little raspy as he said, “sorry for kissing your fiancé?”
“No, of course not,” Arthur replied, raising a hand to rub the back of his own neck nervously. The awkwardness became palpable.
“Arthur,” Merlin began, “what would you do if I said I had a boyfriend? That he’s waiting for me at home?”
Arthur bristled, and he struggled to keep the scowl off his face, “do you?” he demanded more forcefully than he had intended.
“No,” Merlin answered, “but that’s how I felt a moment ago.”
Arthur silently nodded in understanding, “this is such a mess, Merlin.”
They stood in silence for a few moments more, but when Arthur said nothing further, Merlin turned to leave.
“Where are you going?” Arthur asked again, fear lining his face.
“Home, Arthur, you should do the same. It was good to see you again,” Merlin said over his shoulder, without stopping.
Arthur jogged forward and grabbed Merlin’s wrist again, jerking him back quite roughly; “didn’t you hear me?” Arthur whispered, “I said I can’t lose you again.”
Merlin couldn’t help the flush of hope that swept through him, but it only lasted a moment.
“I’ve told you before; I won’t be some sort of mistress. I’m either with you, or I’m not.” Merlin said.
“You’re with me now, that’s all that matters,” Arthur whispered, placing his other hand lightly on Merlin’s hip. The touch was like the touch of a hot iron; it scorched through Merlin’s clothes, his skin, his muscles, right down to the bone. It felt like they had been soldered together.
Merlin felt his resolve slipping away, he tried to shuffle out of Arthur’s grip, but he only tightened his hold, drawing Merlin in closer.
Merlin grappled to maintain control, to do what he felt was right; to walk away and move on with his life. To pretend that this evening had never happened; to wipe it from his mind. That was what he wanted to do, and he kept repeating it to himself silently, over and over again.
Arthur’s thumb started to rub circles on his hips, and the litany of objections in Merlin’s mind began to waver. He struggled to remember what his objections were, and why it was a good idea to flee before this went any further. But with each circle of Arthur’s thumb, Merlin cracked a little bit more. Finally, the last fibre of Merlin’s defences melted to nothing.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Merlin admitted with a sigh, “so much Arthur! I dream of you every night, every time I close my eyes. It’s been like this world is the dream world; I live to go to sleep and have my second life with you in my imagination. I’ve lost so much since you left; you left me an utter wreck! Nobody was there to pick up the pieces, because nobody knew what was wrong! All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, Arthur, tell me you’re happy?”
“I am now,” Arthur replied, his voice speaking directly into Merlin’s ear.
Tears streamed down Merlin’s face yet again, and he spared just a fraction of a moment to wonder where they were all coming from.
“I love you, Arthur! God help me, I love you!” Merlin cried, his body shaking now with the force of his tears.
Arthur turned him around in his arms, and Merlin saw that Arthur’s face was stained with tears as well.
“I love you too, Merlin Emrys,” Arthur whined through his tears, and leaned in to kiss Merlin.
Merlin met his kiss eagerly and wrapped his arms around Arthur.
…
Guinevere, intrigued and concerned, had walked full-circle around the block. She stood in horror at the sight of what her fiancé was doing mere feet away. She was the third person that night to shed tears.
She just couldn’t believe it. Arthur and her had been together for so long, and he’d never shown any hint of having feelings for men. She knew he’d had a close friend before he met her, and that somehow he had hurt Arthur, but she never thought that when he had said ‘close’ he had meant something like this.
The pieces started to fall into place; Arthur had said he was an old friend, this could be the same person who had hurt Arthur in the past. If Arthur still had feelings for him, then what did this mean for their wedding?
Guinevere’s heart broke in her chest, and she span around to go home the long way, leaving Arthur and his companion kissing in the darkness of the night.
A/N: Happy Eastertide everybody. Following my little tradition, now, of dedicating these chapters to people: I dedicate this chapter to all Christians, with a plea that they live up to their calling to be the Body of Christ...
Click to view