(no subject)
I am so relieved. Last night was incredibly hard for me, I was completely overwhelmed and sobbing uncontrollably because of how much of a mess I have made of the past 3 years. I was so worried about my thesis edits, letting everyone in SCM down, and wondering how I was going to be able to finish my thesis edits, work full time at the store, and go to SCM conference and then move out of this house - Geoff is moving out too in a month - and work out all of the details of the divorce, and afford everything even if I had time to do it. Mostly, I am worried about getting kicked out of my thesis program. I am terrified of this possibility. Geoff listened to all of it with so much compassion. Afterwards, it became clear that I needed to take some days off work this week and when I thought harder about it and looked at the schedule, it seemed possible. I spoke to my boss this morning and she agreed right away and by the end of the day the shifts and show were covered. I will be rather broke taking this time off, and then time off for the conference, but the edits need to get done and I would like to finish this phase of my SCM time with a fun conference. After that I felt much better. I worked today and will work tomorrow, then have Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon off (I was originally scheduled to have Wed and Sat off and do shifts on Thurs, Fri, and Sunday). That is 6 FULL DAYS to get the edits done, rest up, and get myself mentally organized for the next tasks ahead. I am so lucky to have a great boss and coworkers who can help me out. I actually made myself sick from the worry 2 weeks ago, then had a very bad bought of the flu for 2 days and was tired after the rest of last week.
Tonight, after I got home from work, I relaxed a bit and took an hour to make a necklace to donate to a silent auction to help support my coworker as she spends a week in Toronto pursuing her career in fashion modeling. It feels like the first art / craft project I have done in a long time. I am ridiculously happy about it. A simple photo-frame pendant with chiyogami paper in it, reversible with different paper on each side, pink & blue with gold details, and a little silver heart charm on a thin metal hoop. Such a simple project brought me such joy. I felt bad because I had promised to make a rather elaborate vulva cake for the silent auction but during my break down last night I realized that was not possible in the time limit, especially with thesis edits. So this was a small compromise. Last night Geoff washed all of the dishes, they had piled up, and so I didn't have to worry about that. Tomorrow is my burlesque class and now I can enjoy it.
I just need to get lots of paperwork done at work tomorrow and then I can finally finish these thesis edits. Oh yeah, and do taxes too.
So much guilt, but I just need to push through things and keep moving forward. Things will get better. As my boss says, I need to learn to say no to things and then take care of myself. I can never figure out how I end up always being swamped with things and then feeling terrible if I get caught without enough time to do them, but I need to learn to not take on so much. I don't think it's much at the time, though, is the hard part, and I think, if I only manage my time better *this* time around, I'll be able to do it. So far it doesn't work that way, and until the thesis is completely finished, I need to remember that. Finish it, wrap things up in other areas, and then spend some time on myself - cleaning, cooking, exercising, doing art, spending time with friends, working in the yard or the garden, soon I'll be living at Sarri's and walking the dogs, etc. And that time will be guilt free. It's hard to imagine.
Tonight, after I got home from work, I relaxed a bit and took an hour to make a necklace to donate to a silent auction to help support my coworker as she spends a week in Toronto pursuing her career in fashion modeling. It feels like the first art / craft project I have done in a long time. I am ridiculously happy about it. A simple photo-frame pendant with chiyogami paper in it, reversible with different paper on each side, pink & blue with gold details, and a little silver heart charm on a thin metal hoop. Such a simple project brought me such joy. I felt bad because I had promised to make a rather elaborate vulva cake for the silent auction but during my break down last night I realized that was not possible in the time limit, especially with thesis edits. So this was a small compromise. Last night Geoff washed all of the dishes, they had piled up, and so I didn't have to worry about that. Tomorrow is my burlesque class and now I can enjoy it.
I just need to get lots of paperwork done at work tomorrow and then I can finally finish these thesis edits. Oh yeah, and do taxes too.
So much guilt, but I just need to push through things and keep moving forward. Things will get better. As my boss says, I need to learn to say no to things and then take care of myself. I can never figure out how I end up always being swamped with things and then feeling terrible if I get caught without enough time to do them, but I need to learn to not take on so much. I don't think it's much at the time, though, is the hard part, and I think, if I only manage my time better *this* time around, I'll be able to do it. So far it doesn't work that way, and until the thesis is completely finished, I need to remember that. Finish it, wrap things up in other areas, and then spend some time on myself - cleaning, cooking, exercising, doing art, spending time with friends, working in the yard or the garden, soon I'll be living at Sarri's and walking the dogs, etc. And that time will be guilt free. It's hard to imagine.