Long time, no post....
So I'm dusting off this little journal of mine for the time being... I suppose you could call it an experiment of sorts. An experiment of desperation, even.
This used to be a place I could put anything and everything. Thoughts, feelings, stories... and I realize the things I've said in the past on this journal have been negative and pessimistic at best. Granted I was at the peak of my activity back in High School... and let's face it. High School is just a vortex of negativity and pessimism.
Even though most of my rants were about stupid stuff that doesn't matter anymore, this journal seemed to serve its purpose as a vent. I could pour all my depressing, self-loathing BS here - where I didn't have to look at it if I didn't want to - and go about my day feeling a little bit better.
So... here we go. Let's give this shit a try.
After a very long and painful "all uphill" battle - my father passed away May 2009, just under one year ago from now. He'd been ill since before I was born with ESRD, and was fortunate enough to receive a kidney before I was conceived. I was only recently just starting to come to terms with the fact that I must now face the rest of my adult life without him. He won't walk me down the aisle, he won't bounce his first grandchild on his knee. There's still so much from my childhood that I wanted to apologize for. He won't help me buy any more cars... won't help me look for my first house... he won't even get to watch me graduate from school.
My dog, Precious Baby, just turned 12 last month. She was an adorable bichon frise, and was my puppy until the end. Her and dad were best pals when he had to retire several years ago. They'd go out for walks, and back when he ran his little EBay business - the two of them would go out for "business lunches" and Precious would get her very own container of chicken nuggets. Chicken, lamb, beef, pork... they were all her favorite food. When I moved to Mass/NH with Townsend, and even when I moved in with Christian... I wanted Precious to stay at my parents house - because I knew how good she was for dad. I think she's the main reason why he lasted so long... Poor puppy was so confused when we first came home without him. And she was never the same once she realized he was never coming home again...
Precious was put to sleep on Sunday March 28, 2010 due to kidney failure. It was all so sudden... she'd been doing fine a week ago... and now I'm just devastated. She was a wonderful dog/puppy, and she had a very fulfilling life. I just wish she had lasted the year... I wasn't ready to lose her too, so soon. And I don't think I'll ever get back the piece of my soul that died when I had to sign my name to consent to put her to sleep. We agreed to have her cremated by herself, so this spring we can bury her with daddy...
Why did it have to be so similar? Dad was only in the ER for a few hours before he died. I signed my name away on the DNR that allowed him to pass. We brought Precious to the emergency clinic, and I don't think it was even two hours later (and $600)... that she didn't come back out with us either.
As emo as it sounds, this time there is truly a rather large hole in my heart that will never be filled again. I had taken a few productive feet forward this past year in the wake of my dad's passing. Now I've taken a giant leap backwards, into a bottomless pit, with spiked walls slowly closing in on me from all sides.
Mom called this afternoon and said the emergency clinic mailed us a little card... that said sorry for your loss... it had Precious' name, and her little paw print. It's a really nice gesture... but I haven't been able to stop crying since that phone call. Though I've been writing this entry since the phone call... so that may have something to do with the crying. I should have thought to save a lock of her hair or something...
Since dad died, it felt like Precious was my last living link to him. ...and now there's nothing. It was already hard enough walking in that house when I had to visit, or drop or my laundry or something. I'd cry every time, but then I'd hug Precious and everything would feel somewhat okay again. Now it's just a big, lonely house. I do feel bad for mom, having to actually live there still. But I guess that's the selfish child still in me talking. She's been through a whole lot of deaths before. Her family is filled with older cousins and such - someone's always kicking the bucket.
But this was -my- dad. And -my- puppy. Just... gone.
...I don't feel better now.
This used to be a place I could put anything and everything. Thoughts, feelings, stories... and I realize the things I've said in the past on this journal have been negative and pessimistic at best. Granted I was at the peak of my activity back in High School... and let's face it. High School is just a vortex of negativity and pessimism.
Even though most of my rants were about stupid stuff that doesn't matter anymore, this journal seemed to serve its purpose as a vent. I could pour all my depressing, self-loathing BS here - where I didn't have to look at it if I didn't want to - and go about my day feeling a little bit better.
So... here we go. Let's give this shit a try.
After a very long and painful "all uphill" battle - my father passed away May 2009, just under one year ago from now. He'd been ill since before I was born with ESRD, and was fortunate enough to receive a kidney before I was conceived. I was only recently just starting to come to terms with the fact that I must now face the rest of my adult life without him. He won't walk me down the aisle, he won't bounce his first grandchild on his knee. There's still so much from my childhood that I wanted to apologize for. He won't help me buy any more cars... won't help me look for my first house... he won't even get to watch me graduate from school.
My dog, Precious Baby, just turned 12 last month. She was an adorable bichon frise, and was my puppy until the end. Her and dad were best pals when he had to retire several years ago. They'd go out for walks, and back when he ran his little EBay business - the two of them would go out for "business lunches" and Precious would get her very own container of chicken nuggets. Chicken, lamb, beef, pork... they were all her favorite food. When I moved to Mass/NH with Townsend, and even when I moved in with Christian... I wanted Precious to stay at my parents house - because I knew how good she was for dad. I think she's the main reason why he lasted so long... Poor puppy was so confused when we first came home without him. And she was never the same once she realized he was never coming home again...
Precious was put to sleep on Sunday March 28, 2010 due to kidney failure. It was all so sudden... she'd been doing fine a week ago... and now I'm just devastated. She was a wonderful dog/puppy, and she had a very fulfilling life. I just wish she had lasted the year... I wasn't ready to lose her too, so soon. And I don't think I'll ever get back the piece of my soul that died when I had to sign my name to consent to put her to sleep. We agreed to have her cremated by herself, so this spring we can bury her with daddy...
Why did it have to be so similar? Dad was only in the ER for a few hours before he died. I signed my name away on the DNR that allowed him to pass. We brought Precious to the emergency clinic, and I don't think it was even two hours later (and $600)... that she didn't come back out with us either.
As emo as it sounds, this time there is truly a rather large hole in my heart that will never be filled again. I had taken a few productive feet forward this past year in the wake of my dad's passing. Now I've taken a giant leap backwards, into a bottomless pit, with spiked walls slowly closing in on me from all sides.
Mom called this afternoon and said the emergency clinic mailed us a little card... that said sorry for your loss... it had Precious' name, and her little paw print. It's a really nice gesture... but I haven't been able to stop crying since that phone call. Though I've been writing this entry since the phone call... so that may have something to do with the crying. I should have thought to save a lock of her hair or something...
Since dad died, it felt like Precious was my last living link to him. ...and now there's nothing. It was already hard enough walking in that house when I had to visit, or drop or my laundry or something. I'd cry every time, but then I'd hug Precious and everything would feel somewhat okay again. Now it's just a big, lonely house. I do feel bad for mom, having to actually live there still. But I guess that's the selfish child still in me talking. She's been through a whole lot of deaths before. Her family is filled with older cousins and such - someone's always kicking the bucket.
But this was -my- dad. And -my- puppy. Just... gone.
...I don't feel better now.