Day 21
The last week has been generally positive. Wednesday night/Thursday morning was a horrible exception, feeling deeply alone and adrift. Lots of questioning of life with plenty of tears to go with it. Strangely, the rest of the week and weekend were almost a polar opposite. Perhaps the change in weather from intense/too hot heat to more manageable, though still humid, heat made the difference.
Or maybe it's like the shoreline I discussed earlier. The grief is there, I know and can see it, but sometimes it's very far out and sometimes it knocks me over like a wave hitting the shore.
I think as well that I've transferred some of my melancholy to my Chicago trip. The cancellation of the one actor I was so looking forward to seeing has dropped my enthusiasm for the con to nearly zero. I'm hoping this will change once I get there and see the cosplayers, attend some panels and just let myself get out of my head for a while.
Watching swimming at the Rio Olympics has also bolstered me somewhat. I am so proud of the women's swim team that I can't even say. It inspires me to swim better myself.
I decided to send a couple of pictures of Eddie to my vet. They have a screen with a slideshow of pets that they look after and thought that maybe Eddie could be a part of it. He will be. I suppose there's some comfort in knowing that others can see just how beautiful my boy was.
But I think one of the most significant reasons for my changing mood is due to a fanfic (link below). In the third chapter, there's a line that basically says tears are just love that has nowhere to go. That simple line made such an impact with me, like a new way of looking at my emotions just opened up wide. The line is, to me, tragic in that there is a reason for the tears, but also hopeful in that you have love to give.
I am single, never married, have no children and don't expect any of that to change. For a long time, this bothered me. But as Buddhism teaches, desire causes unhappiness. All I wanted was for someone to love me, to look at me and think "you are exactly what I want." Not getting that has caused me distress and self-loathing to the point where I believe that I'm unlovable. This was something of a shocking thought to me, but it also made sense. No one out there loved me, so I must be unlovable.
Though Eddie wasn't the same as a romantic love, he provided a kind of outlet for me. He always greeted me when I came home (though I think he was trying more to escape), kept me warm in bed in winter, hung out with me on the deck and basically made no real demands of me. He became a substitute. With him gone, I've no outlet. Nothing to take care of. Nothing to calm me through the simple act of sitting in my lap and letting me pet him. Perhaps that makes me co-dependent. But unless I meet that "special person," I don't have a reason not to be.
Thus, my tears for Eddie prove to me that I do have love, maybe too much. And some days it's utterly overwhelming.
I miss you, Eddie. I love you. Be a good boy, okay?
Fanfic: Lucky Seven by BetteNoire found at AO3 here. It's a Steve/Bucky present-day AU.