That's just the way it is....some things will never change.
I have a lot of thoughts. But what else is new. Of course I do. And it's mildly annoying. I'm tired of thinking and over-analyzing and over-discussing things in my head. Granted, it's usually the easiest way to simplify these thoughts, and I guess, what else am I doing here but babbling on some more. It's frustrating.
I'm also lonely. At the moment. I haven't seen any of my apparent housemates in a while... and I just watched 'Green Street Hooligans' or 'Hooligans'. Highly recommend it. And plus, it takes place in London. Obviously an acceptable movie setting and also made me miss it greatly. I figured out that I most notice things when I'm not around them. People, places, situations. When in the moment, you're there and you kinda realize, but it's not until afterward that all the thoughts fully process and you decide that 'wow that was completely awesome'. Like in London. I was homesick somewhat, and some days I just didn't want to go out. And otherwise had a decent time. But it's not until I see pictures, movie scenes, hear the accents, think about the future I could make there and the places I want to go back to that I truly realize the impact it's had and how much I really do want it to be part of my future.
It's the same with certain people.
That's all I'm going to say about that for the moment.
I was looking through some old pictures yesterday and all of a sudden high school came back to me like an atomic bomb. Recently, since it's been 4 years now since we were there (some of us)...it's seemed like a dream that someone told me about. Showed me pictures and told me about people and good times and bad times. And the bad times have been filtering out. But sometimes I'll see something and everything I was thinking and feeling at that exact moment comes back. And looking at old pictures of how young we look...they're pretty funny. We don't look as trashy as the students that age do right now...but damn, we were still young. I consider having met most of my friend group between junior and senior years, when we all became one big happy family. And now that group is 4 years old, but also I met lots of people back in middle school. When we were all retarded and funny looking. Not that much has changed, but I'd like to think we're somewhat more intelligent.
Times in my life keep getting divided by actual walls. I guess they've all flowed together, but I can't associate much of high school with anything, college has been in a separate category, and London is definitely its own category. And life in Fairport right now feels like it's always been that way, with people going their separate ways and hopefully still returning home once in a while. I also noticed that the people I've been hanging out with most, as in, the people I didn't really drift from in the past couple years, have mostly reached sibling status. All of a sudden there's not as much to disagree and be stupid about, we seem to enjoy each other's company, and I find myself not being able to see life without them anymore. Everyone is so special to me, and it's such a shame when people say that they have no reason to go home because their high school friends sucked. What a strange world that would be.
Anyway. So life feels a lot like a dream recently, and I feel like every decision I make is going to affect the rest of my life. But a certain intelligent being told me it's pretty impossible to entirely screw your life up beyond all reason and repair. I guess I have to keep that in mind. But it's the weird age where it's almost the end of college, and I'm not going on to grad school, so my decisions are going to affect the immediate future, and wherever I end up is going to entirely shape my career....I think there's a few directions I could go in, and I find myself not being entirely comfortable with any of those directions. As in...I don't like them. I've finally been able to be honest with myself about a few things, but it's just summoning the courage to actually go through with it. I'm not really one to do those type of things......but I guess I have to learn sooner or later. And that's frustrating.
I feel like I'm wasting my life a little in Ithaca... Also, I've been having conversations on a daily basis with Johnny, my scene shop manager, I think he's 28 or something. And we talk about all sorts of fun things, and yesterday was books, and he gave me a couple recommendations. So I went to Barnes and Noble and I've been going there and reading a couple hours, and I've been reading all night, too. A book called "War of the Rats". Let me know if you've read it. It's fascinating, and about a topic I know nothing about- the battle at Stalingrad between the Russians and Germans during World War II. We never cover much of that, it's always "All Quiet on the Western Front" because obviously, the Americans were the most important part of the war to study. So I'm enjoying it. Then again, I haven't read a book in a long time that I haven't enjoyed. Even most of the ones for English, if read at your own pace, are much more enjoyable than the chapter-by-chapter analysis. Next up for me is the unabridged version of Les Miz, a million pages of goodness in tiny print. Excitement.
So I feel less useless reading and all...and I had originally applied a couple other places, but no luck there. And I guess I'm running off soon enough. I'm really hoping for this Cape Playhouse overhire job. I'm still a little pissed at Kevin for turning around and saying he'd hired someone else, but maybe it's been working out ok anyway. I'm not confident enough to say 'for the better', but working out is something.
I think I'd hate to fall into a trap where I feel like I haven't been able to change in a long time. I think I haven't changed in a long time... but that's been by choice. And it's getting to be high time to get started on some sort of moving on from the point I am. It's too easy to settle. But when I still have a year of college, and when I still have great friends, etc.etc. etc. then there hasn't been a lot of reason for me too. Oh well, next summer will just be a real shock.
I wish I could shut my brain off for a day and act purely on whatever else would control me. Or shut off the thinking feature, rather, and act on impulse and not think about the decision beforehand or afterwards. And if it was a bad decision, not really think about it and move on from there. I wonder if that would actually be a decent way to live. I think it'd end up being very id-controlled, and rather self-centered decisions. I tend to keep my friends opinions and thoughts and values and whatnot in mind when I make most of my bigger decisions, or the ones that might actually be important. Not like what kind of peanut butter to get or anything. I think it'd be fascinating to see what I'd do in a day off from myself. Either that or be able to detach completely and talk to myself from a real, live objective point of view and hear the things that I have to say. I think I know what I'd have to say, I just don't want to listen to them.
Really, life isn't as conflicted as I'm making it out to be. It's generally pretty content, except for right now when I'm lonely. Weekends have been fun. Played in the thunderstorms last Friday at Teo's...I don't think there's anything more refreshing than getting poured on in the midst of lightning. And the Indiana Jones movie was good....extremely entertaining and Shia LaBeouf is a hottie. They always come up with new and creative underground places and conspiracy theories for these movies. Like the National Treasure ones. I'm surprised they can still keep coming up with this stuff....though hopefully there's not a DaVinci Code type following where people are convinced that they must be true. As entertaining as that would be. We actually went to a number of places over last semester that were DaVinci Code related, it was really cool. Like the Knights Templar church in London...pretty awesome. And Westminster Abbey of course. And the Louvre. And wherever they ended up in between. I saw a SmartCar today in the Barnes and Noble parking lot. I love them. I want one.
It was weird picking my life back up in May where I'd left it in January. I was unhappy about that for a while, and pretty convinced that it was still Christmastime. And I kinda got to leave most things behind when I left....a good feeling. I wish I could do that right now. I need a severe distraction. Whine whine whine. I'm such a downer sometimes. Silly.
Everything is very silly. Sometimes it's comically ridiculous, where I want to throw myself headfirst at a frying pan repeatedly. And sometimes it just takes over and is like AAHHHHH I EAT YOU ALIVE AHHAHAHAHHHHH....that's not as fun.
Oh well.
Maybe someday I'll sort out this total mess of my brain and be able to get all the right trains on the right tracks and whatever other mental analogies you can come up with.
I guess that's all for now. I appreciate distant and chill music.
I'm also lonely. At the moment. I haven't seen any of my apparent housemates in a while... and I just watched 'Green Street Hooligans' or 'Hooligans'. Highly recommend it. And plus, it takes place in London. Obviously an acceptable movie setting and also made me miss it greatly. I figured out that I most notice things when I'm not around them. People, places, situations. When in the moment, you're there and you kinda realize, but it's not until afterward that all the thoughts fully process and you decide that 'wow that was completely awesome'. Like in London. I was homesick somewhat, and some days I just didn't want to go out. And otherwise had a decent time. But it's not until I see pictures, movie scenes, hear the accents, think about the future I could make there and the places I want to go back to that I truly realize the impact it's had and how much I really do want it to be part of my future.
It's the same with certain people.
That's all I'm going to say about that for the moment.
I was looking through some old pictures yesterday and all of a sudden high school came back to me like an atomic bomb. Recently, since it's been 4 years now since we were there (some of us)...it's seemed like a dream that someone told me about. Showed me pictures and told me about people and good times and bad times. And the bad times have been filtering out. But sometimes I'll see something and everything I was thinking and feeling at that exact moment comes back. And looking at old pictures of how young we look...they're pretty funny. We don't look as trashy as the students that age do right now...but damn, we were still young. I consider having met most of my friend group between junior and senior years, when we all became one big happy family. And now that group is 4 years old, but also I met lots of people back in middle school. When we were all retarded and funny looking. Not that much has changed, but I'd like to think we're somewhat more intelligent.
Times in my life keep getting divided by actual walls. I guess they've all flowed together, but I can't associate much of high school with anything, college has been in a separate category, and London is definitely its own category. And life in Fairport right now feels like it's always been that way, with people going their separate ways and hopefully still returning home once in a while. I also noticed that the people I've been hanging out with most, as in, the people I didn't really drift from in the past couple years, have mostly reached sibling status. All of a sudden there's not as much to disagree and be stupid about, we seem to enjoy each other's company, and I find myself not being able to see life without them anymore. Everyone is so special to me, and it's such a shame when people say that they have no reason to go home because their high school friends sucked. What a strange world that would be.
Anyway. So life feels a lot like a dream recently, and I feel like every decision I make is going to affect the rest of my life. But a certain intelligent being told me it's pretty impossible to entirely screw your life up beyond all reason and repair. I guess I have to keep that in mind. But it's the weird age where it's almost the end of college, and I'm not going on to grad school, so my decisions are going to affect the immediate future, and wherever I end up is going to entirely shape my career....I think there's a few directions I could go in, and I find myself not being entirely comfortable with any of those directions. As in...I don't like them. I've finally been able to be honest with myself about a few things, but it's just summoning the courage to actually go through with it. I'm not really one to do those type of things......but I guess I have to learn sooner or later. And that's frustrating.
I feel like I'm wasting my life a little in Ithaca... Also, I've been having conversations on a daily basis with Johnny, my scene shop manager, I think he's 28 or something. And we talk about all sorts of fun things, and yesterday was books, and he gave me a couple recommendations. So I went to Barnes and Noble and I've been going there and reading a couple hours, and I've been reading all night, too. A book called "War of the Rats". Let me know if you've read it. It's fascinating, and about a topic I know nothing about- the battle at Stalingrad between the Russians and Germans during World War II. We never cover much of that, it's always "All Quiet on the Western Front" because obviously, the Americans were the most important part of the war to study. So I'm enjoying it. Then again, I haven't read a book in a long time that I haven't enjoyed. Even most of the ones for English, if read at your own pace, are much more enjoyable than the chapter-by-chapter analysis. Next up for me is the unabridged version of Les Miz, a million pages of goodness in tiny print. Excitement.
So I feel less useless reading and all...and I had originally applied a couple other places, but no luck there. And I guess I'm running off soon enough. I'm really hoping for this Cape Playhouse overhire job. I'm still a little pissed at Kevin for turning around and saying he'd hired someone else, but maybe it's been working out ok anyway. I'm not confident enough to say 'for the better', but working out is something.
I think I'd hate to fall into a trap where I feel like I haven't been able to change in a long time. I think I haven't changed in a long time... but that's been by choice. And it's getting to be high time to get started on some sort of moving on from the point I am. It's too easy to settle. But when I still have a year of college, and when I still have great friends, etc.etc. etc. then there hasn't been a lot of reason for me too. Oh well, next summer will just be a real shock.
I wish I could shut my brain off for a day and act purely on whatever else would control me. Or shut off the thinking feature, rather, and act on impulse and not think about the decision beforehand or afterwards. And if it was a bad decision, not really think about it and move on from there. I wonder if that would actually be a decent way to live. I think it'd end up being very id-controlled, and rather self-centered decisions. I tend to keep my friends opinions and thoughts and values and whatnot in mind when I make most of my bigger decisions, or the ones that might actually be important. Not like what kind of peanut butter to get or anything. I think it'd be fascinating to see what I'd do in a day off from myself. Either that or be able to detach completely and talk to myself from a real, live objective point of view and hear the things that I have to say. I think I know what I'd have to say, I just don't want to listen to them.
Really, life isn't as conflicted as I'm making it out to be. It's generally pretty content, except for right now when I'm lonely. Weekends have been fun. Played in the thunderstorms last Friday at Teo's...I don't think there's anything more refreshing than getting poured on in the midst of lightning. And the Indiana Jones movie was good....extremely entertaining and Shia LaBeouf is a hottie. They always come up with new and creative underground places and conspiracy theories for these movies. Like the National Treasure ones. I'm surprised they can still keep coming up with this stuff....though hopefully there's not a DaVinci Code type following where people are convinced that they must be true. As entertaining as that would be. We actually went to a number of places over last semester that were DaVinci Code related, it was really cool. Like the Knights Templar church in London...pretty awesome. And Westminster Abbey of course. And the Louvre. And wherever they ended up in between. I saw a SmartCar today in the Barnes and Noble parking lot. I love them. I want one.
It was weird picking my life back up in May where I'd left it in January. I was unhappy about that for a while, and pretty convinced that it was still Christmastime. And I kinda got to leave most things behind when I left....a good feeling. I wish I could do that right now. I need a severe distraction. Whine whine whine. I'm such a downer sometimes. Silly.
Everything is very silly. Sometimes it's comically ridiculous, where I want to throw myself headfirst at a frying pan repeatedly. And sometimes it just takes over and is like AAHHHHH I EAT YOU ALIVE AHHAHAHAHHHHH....that's not as fun.
Oh well.
Maybe someday I'll sort out this total mess of my brain and be able to get all the right trains on the right tracks and whatever other mental analogies you can come up with.
I guess that's all for now. I appreciate distant and chill music.