Fated inevitabilities.
I find myself in a dilemma right now:
I can take the familiar path that I've been on for the past several years. When I first started, I felt very different compared to how I feel today about walking this path; now I'm not so sure I want to keep walking. However, if I keep walking, then things will most likely get better, but probably not in the way I really want them to. In fact, I'm not really too proud of the way things have been going in this situation....
On the other hand, I can try to start going down this other path. It's "try," because I have no idea how things are going to be over here; the only thing I have to go off of is the most minuscule grain of hope, and the only reason it's still there is it's refused to let itself be extinguished, despite my best efforts to put it out. Now, even though it's gonna be hell, I still wanna try to walk this difficult path, because I believe that if I can get through, it'll be worth it. I feel it'll be worth more than anything else I've ever known... if I can get through.
In the first situation, I feel like there are things I shouldn't be doing. At least, I shouldn't be doing them with a person who doesn't feel that way about me. And what's worse.... I don't even know if I feel the same way about her. I mean, I've given her YEARS... And this is all the growth we have to show for that?? I'm tired of being used, and I'm tired of using you. I want to save my friendship before something truly horrible happens and we end up hating each other.
Argh!!! >O But it's crap, 'cause it's not like I have anything to gain by going *elsewhere!* Okay, okay... 'cause if I do try to go after this girl, I can't do ANYTHING in good conscience while I'm still involved with the first girl. But if I decide to break things off with the first girl and pursue the second (who's a fucking bitch who gives me nothing but headaches), then if the second girl says "no" I'm fucking screwed!
I probably don't seem like a very religious person, but I *do* pray to God for guidance when I'm faced with a tough situation, or when I don't have much hope to go off of. But I'm extremely apprehensive about the feeling I was left with when I finished praying... I feel that I need to break things off completely with the first girl, that way I can approach the second with an uncluttered mind, and I'll be able to devote %100 of my heart to her. That's what I really want to do, but I'm fucking terrified that I'm gonna break things off just to get laughed away by her (I told you, she's a fucking bitch.).
I swear, I don't even know why I'm doing this in the first place. I mean, a lot of the physical and sexual attraction I had when I first met her is gone, or at least.... I don't feel it?? It's like that's not the focus anymore. And there's almost no chance that anything's gonna change, so it's like I'm messing up everything intentionally... Ah, the thing's she's put me through... -__-; If any of you guys see this chick, give her a kick in the shins for me.
I can take the familiar path that I've been on for the past several years. When I first started, I felt very different compared to how I feel today about walking this path; now I'm not so sure I want to keep walking. However, if I keep walking, then things will most likely get better, but probably not in the way I really want them to. In fact, I'm not really too proud of the way things have been going in this situation....
On the other hand, I can try to start going down this other path. It's "try," because I have no idea how things are going to be over here; the only thing I have to go off of is the most minuscule grain of hope, and the only reason it's still there is it's refused to let itself be extinguished, despite my best efforts to put it out. Now, even though it's gonna be hell, I still wanna try to walk this difficult path, because I believe that if I can get through, it'll be worth it. I feel it'll be worth more than anything else I've ever known... if I can get through.
In the first situation, I feel like there are things I shouldn't be doing. At least, I shouldn't be doing them with a person who doesn't feel that way about me. And what's worse.... I don't even know if I feel the same way about her. I mean, I've given her YEARS... And this is all the growth we have to show for that?? I'm tired of being used, and I'm tired of using you. I want to save my friendship before something truly horrible happens and we end up hating each other.
Argh!!! >O But it's crap, 'cause it's not like I have anything to gain by going *elsewhere!* Okay, okay... 'cause if I do try to go after this girl, I can't do ANYTHING in good conscience while I'm still involved with the first girl. But if I decide to break things off with the first girl and pursue the second (who's a fucking bitch who gives me nothing but headaches), then if the second girl says "no" I'm fucking screwed!
I probably don't seem like a very religious person, but I *do* pray to God for guidance when I'm faced with a tough situation, or when I don't have much hope to go off of. But I'm extremely apprehensive about the feeling I was left with when I finished praying... I feel that I need to break things off completely with the first girl, that way I can approach the second with an uncluttered mind, and I'll be able to devote %100 of my heart to her. That's what I really want to do, but I'm fucking terrified that I'm gonna break things off just to get laughed away by her (I told you, she's a fucking bitch.).
I swear, I don't even know why I'm doing this in the first place. I mean, a lot of the physical and sexual attraction I had when I first met her is gone, or at least.... I don't feel it?? It's like that's not the focus anymore. And there's almost no chance that anything's gonna change, so it's like I'm messing up everything intentionally... Ah, the thing's she's put me through... -__-; If any of you guys see this chick, give her a kick in the shins for me.