Quoteboard
I am ungodly behind on posting these... Language warning!
Mom: I eat round things for breakfast. For lunch, I eat long things.
Teri, to Bea, who is gluten-intolerant and can't handle the scent of perfume: I’m a hugger. I’m not wearing any perfume, so you’re okay. And I don’t have any gluten in my pockets.
Ashley, sings: Feed the birds, and piss off Bea, / Gluten, gluten, not gluten-free! / Feed the birds, that’s what she cries, / While, overhead, Bea’s screams fill the skies!
Christen: Top o’ the mornin’, Brother Paisley!
Carrie: Don’t judge my muppet!
Ashley: Jen, your cat is gaslighting me.
Ashley: i just spelled maimonides MAIDmonides
Ashley: i can't tell if that's a genderbent jewish philosopher or a jewish philosopher who's half fish
Jen: por que no las dos?
Ashley:
Jen: exactly
Christian radio: Love is heaven's currency.
Me, with hearing problems: Who's Kevin?
Ashley: Did you see that bag? “One cat short of crazy”?
Mom: Yes! I don’t think we’re one cat short of crazy.
Ashley: I don’t think we’re one cat short of ANYTHING. Except maybe a health violation.
Ashley: I have an ob/gyn appointment today to talk about my three-week-long periods.
Dad: Boy, that sounds more like a semicolon! Or an ellipsis.
Ashley: Definitely an ellipsis.
Linda: I saw that photo of you and Ashley on Facebook.
Mom: Did you like our matching shirts?
Linda: Oh-were you wearing matching shirts?
Mom: Yeah, we bought them yesterday.
Linda: Now I feel bad that I didn’t notice it.
Dad: Don’t feel bad. I had lunch with them both and didn’t notice it.
Devona at infant dedication: Here is a Bible, and it’s a board book, so when he chews on it he won’t get the paper in his mouth.
Bea: Chew on the word of God!
Ashley: Taste and see that Lord is good!
Devona, doing infant dedication for her grandson: Doesn’t he look like grandma? [To daughter] …What do you mean, “No, he’s good-looking”??
…
Devona: He slobbers a lot.
Scott: That IS like grandma!
Bea: Next will be a service of excommunication…
Devona: Next Sunday is the Easter egg hunt. If you want to help, please show up! If you have children, please bring them!
Cortney: If you don’t have any… find some!
*just after a lesson on Shinto*
Bea: I got it on the first try!
Ashley: The kami helped you!
Bea: Does that make me a kami-nist?
Friend: It really bugs me that things like Spotify and Pandora ask for your gender and don’t have a nonbinary option.--
Me: *wondering if my friend, who has recently gotten a very gender-neutral haircut, is going to come out to me as nonbinary*
Friend: --Because I am SO SICK of getting gendered ads! I just want to click a nonbinary option so they STOP TRYING TO SELL ME BIRTH CONTROL AND FERTILITY PRODUCTS!
Dad: *makes a joke about cooties, and Mom and I don’t get it*
Dad: That’s what you say to get rid of cooties. “Cooties, don’t come back!”
Ashley: That’s not what *I* said as a kid…
Mom: Me neither.
Ashley: We said, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you got your cootie shot!”
Mom and Dad: O_O
Dad: Wow, advances in technology!
Mom: How did I work at the school you went to and never heard that chant until now??
Ashley: I don’t know! …What did they say when YOU were a kid?
Dad: Well, you had to start by sacrificing a dinosaur…
Mom: THANKS.
Linda: I talked to [name redacted] on the phone-he sounded like a different person! He actually sounded INTELLIGENT!
Jess: *sings* You caaaan’t depend on a hip thrust…
Jen: EVERYONE’S JUMPIN’ ON THE BONE-BROTH TRAIN
Later:
Jen: FOR FUCK’S SAKE! IT’S JUST BROTH.
Ashley: I didn’t mind Death, but the Devil freaked me out.
Luann: No planets over here. Teeheehee.
Jen, during a job interview: She charges it every night. She’s basically like Iron Man, only it’s not her heart, it’s her butt.
Jen, during the same job interview: I don’t hate men, but they do make me tired. …With the exception of my son. He doesn’t make me tired. But then, he was raised by a rabid feminist.
Ashley on Facebook: Welp, I’m going to have to officially give up coffee. Makes me sick.
Cordell from youth group: That’s like giving up Jesus. You can’t do that 😂
Ashley: THEY BOTH BRING THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE
Pastor Dale: This is the day that the Lord has made!
Congregation: We will rejoice and be glad in it!
Pastor Dale: One more time!
Cortney: You can’t tell me what to do!
*Watching World of Dance*
Ashley, talking back at the contestants: And you’re gonna lose. How are you gonna deal with that?
Tommy: The honorable thing would be seppuku.
Cortney: The last time I had alcohol, I was at this big get-together, and I got into a very heated discussion of The Bachelorette. …Of course, I would have probably done that sober, anyway.
Ash: I tried to type "fairy tale princess superheroes" and instead I typed "fairy tale princess superhoes."
Jen, in valley girl voice: this shoe doesn't fit, but this condom might!
A woman who went in for a rectal exam: And the doctor comes in, and behind him is this handsome young intern. And I was like, Oh no! The only thing worse than ONE man up your butt is TWO men up your butt!!
Ashley: how are you?
Jen: Ok, you?
Ashley: supes depressed *thumbs-up emoji*
Jen: Oh no
Ashley: oh yes lol
Jen: Did something happen?
Ashley: just my life
Trish: How did your shoot go?
Jenn, a photographer: Great.
Ty: She killed five people.
Jenn: I have another one at three.
Ty: She’s going for ten.
Kid, whining: I want a watch!
Mother, exasperated: I’ll get you-Maybe you’ll get one for Christmas.
(nice save, mom!)
Barb: Umizoomies! They solve problems with math.
Zach: No problem has ever been solved with math.
The tech at the doctor’s office today is my hero.
Me: I like your boots!
Tech: Thanks! My boyfriend doesn’t like them. So I make sure to wear them a LOT.
Ashley: *goes to Walmart, gets in the motorized cart, and drives off very slowly singing Ride of the Valkyries*
Mom: Just don’t come back with dead bodies in the basket!
Cortney: We need the Mythbusters to test this hypothesis.
Ashley: “First, we’re going to carve a Styrofoam model. Then we’re going to cover it in peanut butter, and finally, try to paint it hot pink-in the DARK.”
Cortney, laughing so hard she’s almost crying: WHAT???
Tommy: I like BOTH kinds of food: Italian AND Chinese.
Quote from Bull: Feigned normalcy. Something we can all aspire to.
Nurse, handing me two cups: Water, urine cup.
Me: Don’t mix them up.
Ashley: *walks into a crowded room, realizes she forgot something, goes out, comes back a minute later*
Dale: That was weird. I saw you walk in, and though, “Oh, there’s Ashley,” and then I turned away to speak to somebody, and I looked back, and you walked in again!
Ashley: THERE’S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX.
Cortney, gesturing in a circle: Three hundred and sixty: lobsters.
Mom, telling the story about the Amishman: “So I bit his big toe whenever they needed me to.”
Dad, in amish accent: Jakey! What are you doin?!
Ashley: well, I think the groundhog saw his shadow. Because it’s sunny AND clearly wintry.
Dad: the groundhog said early spring.
Ashley: he’s CRAZY. …of course, it depends which groundhog you ask.
Dad: there’s only one you should trust!...
*laughter, because as Pennsylvanians we know it’s only punxatawney phil*
Dad: A dead one.
*dad walks into the kitchen. Mom is in there, eating a popsicle*
Mom: Before you ask, it was in my way, so I ate it.
Cortney: What essential oil do you use to get people to stop talking to you?
Ashley: Mace.
*Ashley and Jen speaking Spanish to one another in funny voices*
Ashley: Donde esta el Izze?
Jen: Ah! En la biblioteca! *opens the fridge*
Mom: I eat round things for breakfast. For lunch, I eat long things.
Teri, to Bea, who is gluten-intolerant and can't handle the scent of perfume: I’m a hugger. I’m not wearing any perfume, so you’re okay. And I don’t have any gluten in my pockets.
Ashley, sings: Feed the birds, and piss off Bea, / Gluten, gluten, not gluten-free! / Feed the birds, that’s what she cries, / While, overhead, Bea’s screams fill the skies!
Christen: Top o’ the mornin’, Brother Paisley!
Carrie: Don’t judge my muppet!
Ashley: Jen, your cat is gaslighting me.
Ashley: i just spelled maimonides MAIDmonides
Ashley: i can't tell if that's a genderbent jewish philosopher or a jewish philosopher who's half fish
Jen: por que no las dos?
Ashley:
Jen: exactly
Christian radio: Love is heaven's currency.
Me, with hearing problems: Who's Kevin?
Ashley: Did you see that bag? “One cat short of crazy”?
Mom: Yes! I don’t think we’re one cat short of crazy.
Ashley: I don’t think we’re one cat short of ANYTHING. Except maybe a health violation.
Ashley: I have an ob/gyn appointment today to talk about my three-week-long periods.
Dad: Boy, that sounds more like a semicolon! Or an ellipsis.
Ashley: Definitely an ellipsis.
Linda: I saw that photo of you and Ashley on Facebook.
Mom: Did you like our matching shirts?
Linda: Oh-were you wearing matching shirts?
Mom: Yeah, we bought them yesterday.
Linda: Now I feel bad that I didn’t notice it.
Dad: Don’t feel bad. I had lunch with them both and didn’t notice it.
Devona at infant dedication: Here is a Bible, and it’s a board book, so when he chews on it he won’t get the paper in his mouth.
Bea: Chew on the word of God!
Ashley: Taste and see that Lord is good!
Devona, doing infant dedication for her grandson: Doesn’t he look like grandma? [To daughter] …What do you mean, “No, he’s good-looking”??
…
Devona: He slobbers a lot.
Scott: That IS like grandma!
Bea: Next will be a service of excommunication…
Devona: Next Sunday is the Easter egg hunt. If you want to help, please show up! If you have children, please bring them!
Cortney: If you don’t have any… find some!
*just after a lesson on Shinto*
Bea: I got it on the first try!
Ashley: The kami helped you!
Bea: Does that make me a kami-nist?
Friend: It really bugs me that things like Spotify and Pandora ask for your gender and don’t have a nonbinary option.--
Me: *wondering if my friend, who has recently gotten a very gender-neutral haircut, is going to come out to me as nonbinary*
Friend: --Because I am SO SICK of getting gendered ads! I just want to click a nonbinary option so they STOP TRYING TO SELL ME BIRTH CONTROL AND FERTILITY PRODUCTS!
Dad: *makes a joke about cooties, and Mom and I don’t get it*
Dad: That’s what you say to get rid of cooties. “Cooties, don’t come back!”
Ashley: That’s not what *I* said as a kid…
Mom: Me neither.
Ashley: We said, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you got your cootie shot!”
Mom and Dad: O_O
Dad: Wow, advances in technology!
Mom: How did I work at the school you went to and never heard that chant until now??
Ashley: I don’t know! …What did they say when YOU were a kid?
Dad: Well, you had to start by sacrificing a dinosaur…
Mom: THANKS.
Linda: I talked to [name redacted] on the phone-he sounded like a different person! He actually sounded INTELLIGENT!
Jess: *sings* You caaaan’t depend on a hip thrust…
Jen: EVERYONE’S JUMPIN’ ON THE BONE-BROTH TRAIN
Later:
Jen: FOR FUCK’S SAKE! IT’S JUST BROTH.
Ashley: I didn’t mind Death, but the Devil freaked me out.
Luann: No planets over here. Teeheehee.
Jen, during a job interview: She charges it every night. She’s basically like Iron Man, only it’s not her heart, it’s her butt.
Jen, during the same job interview: I don’t hate men, but they do make me tired. …With the exception of my son. He doesn’t make me tired. But then, he was raised by a rabid feminist.
Ashley on Facebook: Welp, I’m going to have to officially give up coffee. Makes me sick.
Cordell from youth group: That’s like giving up Jesus. You can’t do that 😂
Ashley: THEY BOTH BRING THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE
Pastor Dale: This is the day that the Lord has made!
Congregation: We will rejoice and be glad in it!
Pastor Dale: One more time!
Cortney: You can’t tell me what to do!
*Watching World of Dance*
Ashley, talking back at the contestants: And you’re gonna lose. How are you gonna deal with that?
Tommy: The honorable thing would be seppuku.
Cortney: The last time I had alcohol, I was at this big get-together, and I got into a very heated discussion of The Bachelorette. …Of course, I would have probably done that sober, anyway.
Ash: I tried to type "fairy tale princess superheroes" and instead I typed "fairy tale princess superhoes."
Jen, in valley girl voice: this shoe doesn't fit, but this condom might!
A woman who went in for a rectal exam: And the doctor comes in, and behind him is this handsome young intern. And I was like, Oh no! The only thing worse than ONE man up your butt is TWO men up your butt!!
Ashley: how are you?
Jen: Ok, you?
Ashley: supes depressed *thumbs-up emoji*
Jen: Oh no
Ashley: oh yes lol
Jen: Did something happen?
Ashley: just my life
Trish: How did your shoot go?
Jenn, a photographer: Great.
Ty: She killed five people.
Jenn: I have another one at three.
Ty: She’s going for ten.
Kid, whining: I want a watch!
Mother, exasperated: I’ll get you-Maybe you’ll get one for Christmas.
(nice save, mom!)
Barb: Umizoomies! They solve problems with math.
Zach: No problem has ever been solved with math.
The tech at the doctor’s office today is my hero.
Me: I like your boots!
Tech: Thanks! My boyfriend doesn’t like them. So I make sure to wear them a LOT.
Ashley: *goes to Walmart, gets in the motorized cart, and drives off very slowly singing Ride of the Valkyries*
Mom: Just don’t come back with dead bodies in the basket!
Cortney: We need the Mythbusters to test this hypothesis.
Ashley: “First, we’re going to carve a Styrofoam model. Then we’re going to cover it in peanut butter, and finally, try to paint it hot pink-in the DARK.”
Cortney, laughing so hard she’s almost crying: WHAT???
Tommy: I like BOTH kinds of food: Italian AND Chinese.
Quote from Bull: Feigned normalcy. Something we can all aspire to.
Nurse, handing me two cups: Water, urine cup.
Me: Don’t mix them up.
Ashley: *walks into a crowded room, realizes she forgot something, goes out, comes back a minute later*
Dale: That was weird. I saw you walk in, and though, “Oh, there’s Ashley,” and then I turned away to speak to somebody, and I looked back, and you walked in again!
Ashley: THERE’S A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX.
Cortney, gesturing in a circle: Three hundred and sixty: lobsters.
Mom, telling the story about the Amishman: “So I bit his big toe whenever they needed me to.”
Dad, in amish accent: Jakey! What are you doin?!
Ashley: well, I think the groundhog saw his shadow. Because it’s sunny AND clearly wintry.
Dad: the groundhog said early spring.
Ashley: he’s CRAZY. …of course, it depends which groundhog you ask.
Dad: there’s only one you should trust!...
*laughter, because as Pennsylvanians we know it’s only punxatawney phil*
Dad: A dead one.
*dad walks into the kitchen. Mom is in there, eating a popsicle*
Mom: Before you ask, it was in my way, so I ate it.
Cortney: What essential oil do you use to get people to stop talking to you?
Ashley: Mace.
*Ashley and Jen speaking Spanish to one another in funny voices*
Ashley: Donde esta el Izze?
Jen: Ah! En la biblioteca! *opens the fridge*