(no subject)
Ashley: I’m allergic to rat feet. Not rat fur, just rat feet.
Bea: So you just need a quadriplegic rat.
Ashley: Well, I’m allergic to their tails, too.
…
Bea and Ashley: QUINTIPLEGIC RAT!
Ashley: That’s basically just a toilet paper roll with a head.
Bea: Little rat loaf!
Student: I’m just gonna assume it’s legal.
Mom: I dropped a needle!
*Ashley and Mom move the chair, search the floor for the needle*
Mom: Here. *Lifts seat cushion of the armchair she was sitting in*
Ashley: There it is! *picks up needle and hands it to Mom*
Mom: Oh, bless you!
Mom: ...
Mom: That's a different needle.
Ashley: That's the scariest thing I've heard yet!
Bea: What are you hoping to get out of this [church group] study?
Roger: I’m hoping to get ammunition to judge people harshly.
Bea: I used to pray and then I’d realize, *gasp* I didn’t say amen! He’s still listening! Did I think anything bad about anybody??
Debby: You didn’t hang up!
Ashley: You butt-dialed Jesus, Bea!
Ashley: “Metanoia.” Is that being paranoid about your paranoia?
Ashley: I was thinking about the bar sinister, which comes from the left. And then I was trying to come up with the term for a bar that comes from the right, and all I could think of was “bar rectum”. And I’m like, NO THAT’S NOT IT. Maybe “bar rectum” comes up from the bottom!
Dad: Don’t get anal about it. Don’t get all hung up on your rect-itude.
Ashley: I’m focusing on the fundament-als. …We make the most sophisticated butt jokes you’ve ever heard!
Mom: You’re really ass-erting yourself.
Boy: I can’t imagine either of you fighting.
Girl: You wanna go? You wanna go? I’ll put my hair back-I’ve got a hair-tie! Here, hold my earrings.
Bea: I wished the kids a happy Columbus Day, and added, “Or happy First Nations Day. Because, you know, genocide.” And Grace goes, “Celebrate murder!” And now… You know the song that goes, “Celll-ebrate Jesus, Celebrate”? Well, I’ve got it stuck in my head like this: *sings* “Celll-ebrate murder, celebrate! *claps* Genocide, genocide, gen-ocide!”
Cortney: They’ve got different skin colors on emojis now! Look! *taps random gestural emoji and a range of different skin colors flips me off* NOT THAT ONE!
Student: She’s a doctor of literature, not health, you dinguses!
Debbie: I think SOME days I’m a spirit-filled follower… Other days, I think there’s a leak.
Librarian I subbed for: One of the kids goes, “Dr. B kicked us out for study hall lunch!” And the other one goes, “Yeah, imagine that, her doing her job.”
Jen: What do you feel like for dinner?
Ashley: I dunno.
Jen: *squeezes Ashley’s leg* Mm… I think you feel like soft tacos.
Carrie: People love Christmas caroling, but show-tune caroling is GREAT, because nobody expects it at ANY time.
Ashley: What?
Carrie: We used to do that in high school! In the spring. We’d just go from house to house and stand on their lawns and sing show tunes…
Ashley: That’s GREAT. Did you carry a sign explaining?
Carrie: No, we just ran. We never explained ANYTHING. Just left them confused.
Ashley: *flops onto the bed*
Mom: *laughing* That was dramatic.
Ashley: I am… le mort.
Mom: Could you try being le less?
ACA representative: You’re not currently incarcerated? *laughing*
Me: Noooo
ACA rep: Not yet, right?
Me: *laughing* Well, I haven’t gone postal YET…
ACA rep: It’s only 9 AM.
Bill: And I say to him, “You’re diabetic! You’re not supposed to be eating sugar!” And he goes, “That’s what I take pills for.” And I said, “They’re not supposed to fix stupid!”
Dr. Mills, on the parable of the talents: So if you have a special ability, you better be using it. For instance, if you have the ability to play the drums, WALLY…
Entire congregation: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Teacher: If you were beautiful but had no actual skills-
Ashley: What do you mean, “if”?
Bea: You should write a book with that title. “Suddenly: Rabbis!”
Two students in unison: Your FACE is restricted!
Student: You have no rights. You’re classified as a potato.
Spanish student: You’re muy wetto.
Bea: What’s introspection?
Patti: Looking inside yourself.
My brain: Endoscopy?
Patti: Looking DEEP inside yourself.
My brain: Colonoscopy?
Sheenah: And I said, “My husband was right all along! I can’t believe it!”
April: “Naughty” is just another word for “fun.”
Bea to her tablet: Why are you doing this??
Me: It doesn’t like you.
Bea: Who does?
Me: Oh, I love you! *hugs her*
Bea: See, that’s what I like about you. Low standards.
Chris: I dreamed we were trying Ozzie for war crimes.
Ashley: For what? Being too cute?
Chris: I don’t know, but when I put him in the carrier to take him off to prison I had to remove the soldering iron he had sneaked in there.
Jen: What do you want for lunch?
Ashley: We can do something easy and cheap. Like-
Jen: Like my men?
Ashley: …
Jen: Easy and cheap?
Ashley: …
Ashley: Oh my God.
Dad: She is of the herbivorous persuasion. Ovo-lego-rastafarian.
Ashley, washing dishes: Is this date container getting saved?
Mom: Yes, it’s Grandma’s.
Ashley: …
Ashley: SAVE THE DATE!!!
Pastor, talking about his wife: She used to be called Pat. We changed her name to Patti to protect the innocent.
*about to write a Jane Eyre spin-off*
Jen: ok lemme get in the correct mood *covers self in ravens and dirt*
Ashley: lol
Jen: also, not doing first person.
Ashley: ok
Jen: we hates it, precious
Ashley: that IS first person
Ashley: plural
Jen: yes and that was my opening gambit, so make of it what you will
*live-action movie begins*
Carrie: I thought Balto was a cartoon?
Mark, in a voice of long-suffering: Everyone does.
Mom: I feel like I’m in your way.
Ashley: Well, you are a little, but it’s okay. I have patience.
Mom: Do you?
Ashley: Yes.
Mom: I thought you weren’t that kind of doctor. :D
Ashley: …
Ashley: What?
*at lunch*
Chris: A nurse asked me one time if I was pregnant. I said, “If I am, we’re both gonna be famous.”
Mom: Couldn’t she tell by looking at you?
Dad: It’s 2018. You never know.
Chris: “She asked if I was pregnant. Which is funny, because I identify as an ornate house in the suburbs.” …I could give birth to a shed!
Ashley: Or twins, and we could call you “Two-Sheds”!
Dad: Or triplets, and you could be three sheds to the wind!
Ashley: And people wonder where I get it from…
Mom, about to peel an apple: Please pass the knife. …I want to kill myself.
Dad: Remember, I developed this in self-defense!
Nurse at sleep study: We lost your right leg monitor.
Ashley: You lost my right leg!
Nurse: Yeah! My son has a prosthetic, so only in our house is it normal to hear someone say, “Where is your leg? Where did you take it off?”
Nurse: My son had his leg amputated at 18 months. I swear, he would freak people out with it on purpose. He liked the reactions he got. We were at Applebee’s one time and the waitress was headed toward our table, so he pulled off his leg and stuck it on the table. I was like, “GET your leg off the table!” and the waitress was like, “*sputtering noises*”.
At Italian restaurant
Ashley: How was your gnocchi?
Rose: Gnocchi-dokey!
Jess: I love cookies with academia nuts.
Ashley: woot my doc got me an appt with internal medicine
Jen: Good, what will they be doing?
Ashley: trying to figure out what the ever-lovin f*** is wrong with me :D
Ashley: i wouldn't mind the fringe so much if it weren't for the lungs
Jen: that's not a sentence you get to say every day
Ashley: Hey Moooom, you want some friiiiies??
Mom: Get thee behind me, Satan.
Bea: So you just need a quadriplegic rat.
Ashley: Well, I’m allergic to their tails, too.
…
Bea and Ashley: QUINTIPLEGIC RAT!
Ashley: That’s basically just a toilet paper roll with a head.
Bea: Little rat loaf!
Student: I’m just gonna assume it’s legal.
Mom: I dropped a needle!
*Ashley and Mom move the chair, search the floor for the needle*
Mom: Here. *Lifts seat cushion of the armchair she was sitting in*
Ashley: There it is! *picks up needle and hands it to Mom*
Mom: Oh, bless you!
Mom: ...
Mom: That's a different needle.
Ashley: That's the scariest thing I've heard yet!
Bea: What are you hoping to get out of this [church group] study?
Roger: I’m hoping to get ammunition to judge people harshly.
Bea: I used to pray and then I’d realize, *gasp* I didn’t say amen! He’s still listening! Did I think anything bad about anybody??
Debby: You didn’t hang up!
Ashley: You butt-dialed Jesus, Bea!
Ashley: “Metanoia.” Is that being paranoid about your paranoia?
Ashley: I was thinking about the bar sinister, which comes from the left. And then I was trying to come up with the term for a bar that comes from the right, and all I could think of was “bar rectum”. And I’m like, NO THAT’S NOT IT. Maybe “bar rectum” comes up from the bottom!
Dad: Don’t get anal about it. Don’t get all hung up on your rect-itude.
Ashley: I’m focusing on the fundament-als. …We make the most sophisticated butt jokes you’ve ever heard!
Mom: You’re really ass-erting yourself.
Boy: I can’t imagine either of you fighting.
Girl: You wanna go? You wanna go? I’ll put my hair back-I’ve got a hair-tie! Here, hold my earrings.
Bea: I wished the kids a happy Columbus Day, and added, “Or happy First Nations Day. Because, you know, genocide.” And Grace goes, “Celebrate murder!” And now… You know the song that goes, “Celll-ebrate Jesus, Celebrate”? Well, I’ve got it stuck in my head like this: *sings* “Celll-ebrate murder, celebrate! *claps* Genocide, genocide, gen-ocide!”
Cortney: They’ve got different skin colors on emojis now! Look! *taps random gestural emoji and a range of different skin colors flips me off* NOT THAT ONE!
Student: She’s a doctor of literature, not health, you dinguses!
Debbie: I think SOME days I’m a spirit-filled follower… Other days, I think there’s a leak.
Librarian I subbed for: One of the kids goes, “Dr. B kicked us out for study hall lunch!” And the other one goes, “Yeah, imagine that, her doing her job.”
Jen: What do you feel like for dinner?
Ashley: I dunno.
Jen: *squeezes Ashley’s leg* Mm… I think you feel like soft tacos.
Carrie: People love Christmas caroling, but show-tune caroling is GREAT, because nobody expects it at ANY time.
Ashley: What?
Carrie: We used to do that in high school! In the spring. We’d just go from house to house and stand on their lawns and sing show tunes…
Ashley: That’s GREAT. Did you carry a sign explaining?
Carrie: No, we just ran. We never explained ANYTHING. Just left them confused.
Ashley: *flops onto the bed*
Mom: *laughing* That was dramatic.
Ashley: I am… le mort.
Mom: Could you try being le less?
ACA representative: You’re not currently incarcerated? *laughing*
Me: Noooo
ACA rep: Not yet, right?
Me: *laughing* Well, I haven’t gone postal YET…
ACA rep: It’s only 9 AM.
Bill: And I say to him, “You’re diabetic! You’re not supposed to be eating sugar!” And he goes, “That’s what I take pills for.” And I said, “They’re not supposed to fix stupid!”
Dr. Mills, on the parable of the talents: So if you have a special ability, you better be using it. For instance, if you have the ability to play the drums, WALLY…
Entire congregation: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Teacher: If you were beautiful but had no actual skills-
Ashley: What do you mean, “if”?
Bea: You should write a book with that title. “Suddenly: Rabbis!”
Two students in unison: Your FACE is restricted!
Student: You have no rights. You’re classified as a potato.
Spanish student: You’re muy wetto.
Bea: What’s introspection?
Patti: Looking inside yourself.
My brain: Endoscopy?
Patti: Looking DEEP inside yourself.
My brain: Colonoscopy?
Sheenah: And I said, “My husband was right all along! I can’t believe it!”
April: “Naughty” is just another word for “fun.”
Bea to her tablet: Why are you doing this??
Me: It doesn’t like you.
Bea: Who does?
Me: Oh, I love you! *hugs her*
Bea: See, that’s what I like about you. Low standards.
Chris: I dreamed we were trying Ozzie for war crimes.
Ashley: For what? Being too cute?
Chris: I don’t know, but when I put him in the carrier to take him off to prison I had to remove the soldering iron he had sneaked in there.
Jen: What do you want for lunch?
Ashley: We can do something easy and cheap. Like-
Jen: Like my men?
Ashley: …
Jen: Easy and cheap?
Ashley: …
Ashley: Oh my God.
Dad: She is of the herbivorous persuasion. Ovo-lego-rastafarian.
Ashley, washing dishes: Is this date container getting saved?
Mom: Yes, it’s Grandma’s.
Ashley: …
Ashley: SAVE THE DATE!!!
Pastor, talking about his wife: She used to be called Pat. We changed her name to Patti to protect the innocent.
*about to write a Jane Eyre spin-off*
Jen: ok lemme get in the correct mood *covers self in ravens and dirt*
Ashley: lol
Jen: also, not doing first person.
Ashley: ok
Jen: we hates it, precious
Ashley: that IS first person
Ashley: plural
Jen: yes and that was my opening gambit, so make of it what you will
*live-action movie begins*
Carrie: I thought Balto was a cartoon?
Mark, in a voice of long-suffering: Everyone does.
Mom: I feel like I’m in your way.
Ashley: Well, you are a little, but it’s okay. I have patience.
Mom: Do you?
Ashley: Yes.
Mom: I thought you weren’t that kind of doctor. :D
Ashley: …
Ashley: What?
*at lunch*
Chris: A nurse asked me one time if I was pregnant. I said, “If I am, we’re both gonna be famous.”
Mom: Couldn’t she tell by looking at you?
Dad: It’s 2018. You never know.
Chris: “She asked if I was pregnant. Which is funny, because I identify as an ornate house in the suburbs.” …I could give birth to a shed!
Ashley: Or twins, and we could call you “Two-Sheds”!
Dad: Or triplets, and you could be three sheds to the wind!
Ashley: And people wonder where I get it from…
Mom, about to peel an apple: Please pass the knife. …I want to kill myself.
Dad: Remember, I developed this in self-defense!
Nurse at sleep study: We lost your right leg monitor.
Ashley: You lost my right leg!
Nurse: Yeah! My son has a prosthetic, so only in our house is it normal to hear someone say, “Where is your leg? Where did you take it off?”
Nurse: My son had his leg amputated at 18 months. I swear, he would freak people out with it on purpose. He liked the reactions he got. We were at Applebee’s one time and the waitress was headed toward our table, so he pulled off his leg and stuck it on the table. I was like, “GET your leg off the table!” and the waitress was like, “*sputtering noises*”.
At Italian restaurant
Ashley: How was your gnocchi?
Rose: Gnocchi-dokey!
Jess: I love cookies with academia nuts.
Ashley: woot my doc got me an appt with internal medicine
Jen: Good, what will they be doing?
Ashley: trying to figure out what the ever-lovin f*** is wrong with me :D
Ashley: i wouldn't mind the fringe so much if it weren't for the lungs
Jen: that's not a sentence you get to say every day
Ashley: Hey Moooom, you want some friiiiies??
Mom: Get thee behind me, Satan.