(no subject)
Ashley: Now *Macbeth* wears the royal pajamas!
Dad: I don’t know how they made these new sauce packets, but they’re impossible to open. …I guess I could put it on the table and pound it with my fist?
Ashley: That’d be a big mess to clean up.
Dad: If you’re sitting at the other end of the table, you’ll learn why they call it *duck* sauce!
Ashley: We should have a Boston marriage!
Jess: What’s that?
Ashley: It’s when two women who didn’t want to get married would set up house by themselves.
Derek: Oh, you mean lesbians?
Ashley: Well yeah, some of them. But it was optional.
[After my dissertation defense]
Charles: So were they just testing to see if you could follow along with their conversation…?
A teenager, unhappily: We’ve got people coming over Christmas morning. I have to put on a BRA.
Pastor: I wonder what that first Christmas was like for Mary and Joseph?
Ally: Stressful.
Pastor: They were in a stable, and Larry laid Jesus in the manger…
Pastor: The shepherds saw the angels and they fell prostate on the ground.
Tom: I still have lots of that caramel apple candy corn left. Once you get over the fact that it doesn’t taste like apples, caramel, or candy corn, it’s actually pretty good.
Announcer: Everyone who is participating in the ugly sweater contest, please come to the stage!
Kid: Mom! Ugly sweater contest!
Mom: No, I’m not in it!
Jen: And he brought his dog, who was ALSO a vampire.
Carrie, quoting a kid in her youth group:
Roses are red.
Violets are red.
Your garden’s on fire.
Carrie: It’s New Jersey. We eat muskrat recreationally.
Carrie *sings*: Our gastric synchronization / Can have but one explanation: / You and I were just meant to be! / Say goodbye to the hunger of the past / We don’t have to live it anymore… / Lunch is an open dooooor!
Grandma: What’s that doctor’s name? Jingleberger?
Barb: Dunklebarger.
Colin: Watch this! *to Siri* Call Grandma.
*Phone rings*
Grandma: Tell her to answer it!
*I call the state government for information. They are singularly unhelpful. My dad calls. They give him the required information.*
Ashley: Why were YOU privy to that information, and I was not?
Dad: Because I got a bit obnoxious.
Ashley: Stew-ed tomatoes.
Dad: Stew-ed tomatoes or stupid tomatoes?
Ashley: Well, they’re not terribly smart.
Dad: Guess that’s why they call them vegetables.
Mom: That was the last of my bags of cinnamon tea. Now I’m going to have to start using the loose tea.
Dad: Gonna have to start rolling your own.
Dad: The first time the new West End fire siren went off, in the middle of the night, I genuinely thought it was the Second Coming. I couldn’t figure out why I was still lying in bed!
Dad, on listening to a report from Henry Kissing about a worldwide red alert during the Cold War: I didn’t have to worry about dying in a nuclear war-I was going to die of old age listening to Henry Kissinger!
Chris: [mentions me to his high school students]
Student: I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you have a sister. I’m trying to picture her.
Chris: Well, she doesn’t have the beard.
Student: I’m just imagining this very big, manly woman.
Megan, eating something pretty good in the dining hall: Wow! This actually tastes like real food!
From my psych book. [this part of the brain] controls the four F's: fighting, fleeing, feeding and mating.
Diane: I found out that you're more likely to be killed by being hit on the head by a coconut than by being bitten by a shark. It made me scared of coconuts. When we went to Cancún, I refused to sit under trees.
Ashley: BUUUUURP.
Holly: Bless you!
Psych prof: Okay, so this Neil Diamond song comes on the radio. (writes on the board: "Conditioned Stimulus: our song") They’re out having a good time, (writes: "Unconditioned Stimulus: sex") which leads to good feelings. (writes: "Unconditioned Response: Luv")
Psych prof: So the kid’s misbehaving, what do we do? Well, I whip out my handy-dandy cattle prod... (everyone laughs) Hey, I’m a psychologist. We’re known for using juice. Whenever psychologist graduates, they get their own personal cattle prod.
Liz: If something jumps out at him, I’m going to have a myocardial infarction!
Kim: (sings) Don’t pee on the president’s lawn…
Me: So. What do you think of C____?
Dad: When she dies they're gonna have to shoot her mouth.
Later:
Dad: C____ could pass as L__ F____'s granddaughter.
Mom: Oh, you mean when she dies they'll have to shoot her mouth?
Katie: Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty says the word 'hell'. That just makes me happy.
*In Spanish class, discussing how the word "got" translates*
Prof Cordova: Got wet, got sick, got angry...
Dana: got milk...
Ray: Maybe if we sing at that house, it will tip the scales of good and evil!
In Spanish class:
Ashley: How do you say "shepherd?"
Prof: "Pastore." Like "pastor".
Jen: Wait. Why are they bastards?
Liz: I don't steal! I just take stuff.
Dana: I didn't bite her! She jumped into my mouth!
Dr. Shillock: So Frankenstein has been working on this monster for about two years, and then he brings it to life and realizes it's ugly. Frankenstein is what we'd call a slow learner.
Jen on painkillers: ok my typing is becoming comedic and i am taking forever to reply, so i think it's probbaly a g ood tie to stop,/
Ash: ok
Jen: sorry, i swera painkillersd wrm eithg fothe tight insgerd,
this is what hapeens when ei tosnlf go hack and coerect itls.
Ash: ok i understood up to the word painkillers lol
Jen: exactly.
Ashley: Am I the only one who thinks that “Crystal Light” sounds like a drug?
Jen: Okay, how many hundreds of dollars have I dropped on this?
Store clerk: Oh, not hundreds. Only a little hundreds.
*watching the Superbowl*
Courtney: Okay, let’s see which team has the better outfits.
*we kept calling the Panthers and the Broncos the kitties and the ponies and talking about how we didn't understand football*
Ashley: What happens when the kitty cat goes outside the box?
Courtney: Somebody has to clean it up.
Courtney: Why do the umpires all have different hats?
Ashley: For a moment I totally thought you said ‘Why do the vampires all have different hats?’
Ashley: There’s been a lot more of this game than eleven minutes.
Bea: It’s football time. It’s like Narnia.
Anna: "Dork" means a whale's penis!
Ashley: Actually, I looked it up, and it's a corruption of "dick" but it doesn't have anything to do with whales.
Jen: I think ‘dork’ should be a corruption of a whale’s penis. Like Cthulhu, only a whale’s penis.
Jen: That should be on the quoteboard.
Ashley: I don't even know what it means!
Jen: I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn.
Ashley: I’ve heard of Aurora’s eyelids, but not Aurora’s buttcrack.
Callie C: The rosy red cheeks of dawn!
Dan, to his 24-year-old son Jamey: Think Father’s Day! *Glances at Jamey’s fiancée, Sarah* Not that I’m recommending that for another couple of years…
Sarah: O_O
Sarah, to Jamey: ARE YOU PREGNANT??
Mr. Reed: Good night, kids! Be good! If you can’t be good, be clever!
Callie D: What if you can’t be clever?
Callie C: Then make sure it ends up on the Vine.
Ashley: It’s kinda sad that I can imagine England in the 18th century nominating a werewolf King sooner than a Catholic.
Dad: I don’t know how they made these new sauce packets, but they’re impossible to open. …I guess I could put it on the table and pound it with my fist?
Ashley: That’d be a big mess to clean up.
Dad: If you’re sitting at the other end of the table, you’ll learn why they call it *duck* sauce!
Ashley: We should have a Boston marriage!
Jess: What’s that?
Ashley: It’s when two women who didn’t want to get married would set up house by themselves.
Derek: Oh, you mean lesbians?
Ashley: Well yeah, some of them. But it was optional.
[After my dissertation defense]
Charles: So were they just testing to see if you could follow along with their conversation…?
A teenager, unhappily: We’ve got people coming over Christmas morning. I have to put on a BRA.
Pastor: I wonder what that first Christmas was like for Mary and Joseph?
Ally: Stressful.
Pastor: They were in a stable, and Larry laid Jesus in the manger…
Pastor: The shepherds saw the angels and they fell prostate on the ground.
Tom: I still have lots of that caramel apple candy corn left. Once you get over the fact that it doesn’t taste like apples, caramel, or candy corn, it’s actually pretty good.
Announcer: Everyone who is participating in the ugly sweater contest, please come to the stage!
Kid: Mom! Ugly sweater contest!
Mom: No, I’m not in it!
Jen: And he brought his dog, who was ALSO a vampire.
Carrie, quoting a kid in her youth group:
Roses are red.
Violets are red.
Your garden’s on fire.
Carrie: It’s New Jersey. We eat muskrat recreationally.
Carrie *sings*: Our gastric synchronization / Can have but one explanation: / You and I were just meant to be! / Say goodbye to the hunger of the past / We don’t have to live it anymore… / Lunch is an open dooooor!
Grandma: What’s that doctor’s name? Jingleberger?
Barb: Dunklebarger.
Colin: Watch this! *to Siri* Call Grandma.
*Phone rings*
Grandma: Tell her to answer it!
*I call the state government for information. They are singularly unhelpful. My dad calls. They give him the required information.*
Ashley: Why were YOU privy to that information, and I was not?
Dad: Because I got a bit obnoxious.
Ashley: Stew-ed tomatoes.
Dad: Stew-ed tomatoes or stupid tomatoes?
Ashley: Well, they’re not terribly smart.
Dad: Guess that’s why they call them vegetables.
Mom: That was the last of my bags of cinnamon tea. Now I’m going to have to start using the loose tea.
Dad: Gonna have to start rolling your own.
Dad: The first time the new West End fire siren went off, in the middle of the night, I genuinely thought it was the Second Coming. I couldn’t figure out why I was still lying in bed!
Dad, on listening to a report from Henry Kissing about a worldwide red alert during the Cold War: I didn’t have to worry about dying in a nuclear war-I was going to die of old age listening to Henry Kissinger!
Chris: [mentions me to his high school students]
Student: I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you have a sister. I’m trying to picture her.
Chris: Well, she doesn’t have the beard.
Student: I’m just imagining this very big, manly woman.
Megan, eating something pretty good in the dining hall: Wow! This actually tastes like real food!
From my psych book. [this part of the brain] controls the four F's: fighting, fleeing, feeding and mating.
Diane: I found out that you're more likely to be killed by being hit on the head by a coconut than by being bitten by a shark. It made me scared of coconuts. When we went to Cancún, I refused to sit under trees.
Ashley: BUUUUURP.
Holly: Bless you!
Psych prof: Okay, so this Neil Diamond song comes on the radio. (writes on the board: "Conditioned Stimulus: our song") They’re out having a good time, (writes: "Unconditioned Stimulus: sex") which leads to good feelings. (writes: "Unconditioned Response: Luv")
Psych prof: So the kid’s misbehaving, what do we do? Well, I whip out my handy-dandy cattle prod... (everyone laughs) Hey, I’m a psychologist. We’re known for using juice. Whenever psychologist graduates, they get their own personal cattle prod.
Liz: If something jumps out at him, I’m going to have a myocardial infarction!
Kim: (sings) Don’t pee on the president’s lawn…
Me: So. What do you think of C____?
Dad: When she dies they're gonna have to shoot her mouth.
Later:
Dad: C____ could pass as L__ F____'s granddaughter.
Mom: Oh, you mean when she dies they'll have to shoot her mouth?
Katie: Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty says the word 'hell'. That just makes me happy.
*In Spanish class, discussing how the word "got" translates*
Prof Cordova: Got wet, got sick, got angry...
Dana: got milk...
Ray: Maybe if we sing at that house, it will tip the scales of good and evil!
In Spanish class:
Ashley: How do you say "shepherd?"
Prof: "Pastore." Like "pastor".
Jen: Wait. Why are they bastards?
Liz: I don't steal! I just take stuff.
Dana: I didn't bite her! She jumped into my mouth!
Dr. Shillock: So Frankenstein has been working on this monster for about two years, and then he brings it to life and realizes it's ugly. Frankenstein is what we'd call a slow learner.
Jen on painkillers: ok my typing is becoming comedic and i am taking forever to reply, so i think it's probbaly a g ood tie to stop,/
Ash: ok
Jen: sorry, i swera painkillersd wrm eithg fothe tight insgerd,
this is what hapeens when ei tosnlf go hack and coerect itls.
Ash: ok i understood up to the word painkillers lol
Jen: exactly.
Ashley: Am I the only one who thinks that “Crystal Light” sounds like a drug?
Jen: Okay, how many hundreds of dollars have I dropped on this?
Store clerk: Oh, not hundreds. Only a little hundreds.
*watching the Superbowl*
Courtney: Okay, let’s see which team has the better outfits.
*we kept calling the Panthers and the Broncos the kitties and the ponies and talking about how we didn't understand football*
Ashley: What happens when the kitty cat goes outside the box?
Courtney: Somebody has to clean it up.
Courtney: Why do the umpires all have different hats?
Ashley: For a moment I totally thought you said ‘Why do the vampires all have different hats?’
Ashley: There’s been a lot more of this game than eleven minutes.
Bea: It’s football time. It’s like Narnia.
Anna: "Dork" means a whale's penis!
Ashley: Actually, I looked it up, and it's a corruption of "dick" but it doesn't have anything to do with whales.
Jen: I think ‘dork’ should be a corruption of a whale’s penis. Like Cthulhu, only a whale’s penis.
Jen: That should be on the quoteboard.
Ashley: I don't even know what it means!
Jen: I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn.
Ashley: I’ve heard of Aurora’s eyelids, but not Aurora’s buttcrack.
Callie C: The rosy red cheeks of dawn!
Dan, to his 24-year-old son Jamey: Think Father’s Day! *Glances at Jamey’s fiancée, Sarah* Not that I’m recommending that for another couple of years…
Sarah: O_O
Sarah, to Jamey: ARE YOU PREGNANT??
Mr. Reed: Good night, kids! Be good! If you can’t be good, be clever!
Callie D: What if you can’t be clever?
Callie C: Then make sure it ends up on the Vine.
Ashley: It’s kinda sad that I can imagine England in the 18th century nominating a werewolf King sooner than a Catholic.