quoteboard!
Friend: How can I gossip if the technology won't work right??
Andrea: I don't want my brain cells to have to do anything tonight. Be silly. Be lackluster. Be MISSING, for all I care. As long as you come back tomorrow.
Andrea: She's now a teacher, which concerns me.
Kyle: The difference between God and Ashley is…
Somebody: She sounds like Matty!
Andrea: Oh no, Ashley's an original.
Somebody: Keanu Reeves was okay in The Lakehouse.
Jeremy: I wanted to reach through the mailbox and punch him two years earlier.
Andrea: We lived near various family in North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia… NOT Mississippi; we have standards.
Andrea, on friending people in LinkedIn: I just leave them in that liminal space where they're not friended, but they're not offended.
*talking about a friend's job*
Andrea: She's doing that… that thing… that job we never want to do…
Ashley: Adjuncting.
Andrea: Yes! That.
Ashley: You know, mostly people would think "prostitution." But at least that pays well. You're selling your soul, but at least you're getting paid for it. When you adjunct, you sell your soul and you DON'T get paid well.
Leah: No, no-in prostitution you’re only selling your BODY. In adjuncting you’re selling your SOUL.
Everyone toasting: Cheers! Yay!
Jessica: Yay, water!
Kyle: I'm gonna get a pint of vanilla custard. Any other flavor requests?
Ashley: Blood of my enemies.
Jeremy: They'll call it "Frozen Revenge."
Sally: Revenge *is* a dish best served cold!
Friend: I’m working out-AND I have boobs!
Kyle: Study, prayer, dessert.
Ashley: The most important things in the Christian life.
Jeremy: Maybe not in that order.
Aaron: I thought you meant hard pretzels.
Kyle: No, SOFT pretzels--not hard, dry, soulless things.
Aaron: Pretzel rods aren’t soulless.
Kyle: Pretzel rods only borrow yours.
Kyle: Speaking of cannibalism--Cara, you’re in charge of prayer tonight.
Prof G: *flicks lights* Remember grade school?
Prof M: I have to go to the bathroom.
Grad 1: What kinds of majors are you getting in your students?
Grad 2: Pessimists.
*Ashley keeps pronouncing “penalize” as “peenalize”*
Kyle: I can’t say it without laughing! “Penalize!” *tries hard to keep a straight face*
*long pause*
Kyle: PENIS! …There, now I think I can do it.
Ashley: I LOVE THIS BIBLE STUDY.
Andrea: I’m so hungry I could eat my left hand!
Ashley, looking out the window: Those are some big flakes!
Andrea: I could say the same…
Speaker, on playing video games with his daughter: She said, ‘You just killed the main character!’ ‘I don’t know! She just came at me, man!’
Bradley: I want a REAL book, and hollow it out.
Andrea: That seems so destructive!
Bradley: But it could be like an old math book. I wouldn’t feel bad about that.
Andrea: But it’s supposed to look CLASSY in your library o’ secret things with a turning wall!
Ashley to Michael (Andrea's husband): I will kill you in your sleep.
Andrea: Please don’t. He was very hard to find.
Ashley: I think Lewis is warning us against hyperbole.
Sally: Because hyperbole is THE WORST THING EVER!
Andrea, messaging Priya: I’m going to specify that I need to pick up the COOKING pot.
*we pass the cop who’s always sitting on our road*
Andrea: HI!!
Ashley: You didn’t wave this time.
Andra: No, I had my hands on my pot.
Talitha, reading something from her creative writing class: I bow down before your greatness. Never in my years have I seen prose so beautiful. You put the ancients to shame. I’m unworthy. I have never taken a creative writing class. I am nothing beside you. I am only a rhetorician. I know nothing about language. …This title has a period.
Prof: I’m going to eat pie. And pretend like my students have souls.
Andrea: Avocado just makes ANYTHING better.
Ashley, dreamily: Like Aidan Turner.
Andrea: …Smear avocado on Aidan Turner?
Ashley: There’s an idea…
Dad: I looked over, and neither of my dad’s cars are in the driveway.
Mom: Well, maybe he’s out to dinner.
Dad: Why not? He’s been out to lunch for YEARS.
Mom: I have something up my sleeve! …It’s a carrot.
Clerk: You’ll expire on Christmas Eve!
Me: That sounds ominous.
Sarah: What if you google yourself and what comes up is a story about cocaine and spaghetti and abortion?
Another student: Hypothetically speaking.
Tommy: I’ve seen Godfather I. I didn’t care for it. It’s no Hallmark Christmas.
Jess, on her medic alert bracelet: I got a new one. I was allergic to the old one.
Zach: I thought you said you took your nihilist pills, and I was like, “Nobody cares.”
Adam: Zach! You’re gonna be LIVEJOURNAL FAMOUS!!
Zach: There’s a weird rabbit running around dressed like Flava Flav.
Sue, on “Maleficent”: She’s gonna wake up from her sleep like death and say, “Why does my face hurt?”
Me, on “Maleficent”: I love it-they’re floating him in like a Mylar balloon. Don’t let go of him-he’ll end up on the ceiling and we’ll never get him down!
Andrea: My students aren’t getting their papers back until Friday. A weekend is plenty of time for them to not read my comments and not apply them to their final drafts.
Andrea: And now it’s time for a rousing game of “Where Are My Shoes?”
Mom: *sneezes for the 6th time in a row*
Dad’s disembodied voice from downstairs: Do you need a tissue, or an exorcism?
Mom, reading Facebook: “I got 100%! Can you beat my score?” I *doubt* it!
Me, to the cat: Ozzie, stop stalking my craft projects!
Cat: *cries*
Me: *picks up cat*
Cat: *cries again*
Me: Well, if that wasn’t what you wanted, you should have specified.
Mom: The third-graders made me get-well cards after my car accident. One of them wrote, “I hope the insurance covers everything.”
(on watching the Rachel Ray show)
Mom: It wasn’t too bad!
Dad: She’s so peppy I could slap her.
Jen: ok so on the news they were talking about the guy who killed six people and fled and they found his body yesterday, and the reporter says, "it's believed he died sometime after the murders".
Student: You know what I have to do when I go home? I have to move rocks. My dad wants us to build a stone wall.
Brother: Oh, I enjoy making stone walls. I do that sometimes.
Student: Yeah, but you’re Mr. B-----.
Brother: Yeah, I think I already knew that.
Student: Yeah, a lot of people do. But most of the time they don’t understand quite what it means.
Jess: Sue, I ate some of your oatmeal.
Sue: I have oatmeal?
Ash: Well, not anymore!
Heather, having been followed into the bathroom by the cat: Stop it! Do I tap YOU on the leg while YOU’RE trying to poop??
Ashley writes down a prayer request: New med side effects
Bea: …Lycanthropy?
Alyssa: I was like, there’s an extra baby on that Christmas card. Where did that baby come from?
Forgot it was homecoming weekend. I told my students to have a good weekend, and one of them said, "All my other profs told us not to get arrested."
Me: By the way, anybody in here take Latin?
*one student raises his hand*
Me: Aha. "Cornelia puella est?"
Student: O_O YES!
On today's edition of "Unintentionally Funny Student Paper Quotes": Visual Analysis.
"The colors in this ad are dull, which adds to the whole death vibe they have got going."
Christmas morning. I walk into the corner of the coffee table.
Me: SHIT.
Everybody: O_O
Me: Oh, that was supposed to be festive. REINDEER SHIT!
Mom: Quoteboard.
Grandma: Can I sit with the young people? …Now watch your language.
*on a psychopathic liar at our women’s college who said a Penn State football player had spent the weekend at our dorm*
Ashley: I mean, if you had a Penn State football player there, YOU WOULD SIGN HIM IN. Not because anybody ever bothered to sign guests in-but YOU WOULD SIGN HIM IN!
Heather: Yeah. Because HE MIGHT NEVER COME OUT.
*discussing what peole in earlier ages would think of our clothes*
Ashley: I am the slobbiest person--the slobbiest CROSS-DRESSING person--on earth.
Andrea: I don't want my brain cells to have to do anything tonight. Be silly. Be lackluster. Be MISSING, for all I care. As long as you come back tomorrow.
Andrea: She's now a teacher, which concerns me.
Kyle: The difference between God and Ashley is…
Somebody: She sounds like Matty!
Andrea: Oh no, Ashley's an original.
Somebody: Keanu Reeves was okay in The Lakehouse.
Jeremy: I wanted to reach through the mailbox and punch him two years earlier.
Andrea: We lived near various family in North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia… NOT Mississippi; we have standards.
Andrea, on friending people in LinkedIn: I just leave them in that liminal space where they're not friended, but they're not offended.
*talking about a friend's job*
Andrea: She's doing that… that thing… that job we never want to do…
Ashley: Adjuncting.
Andrea: Yes! That.
Ashley: You know, mostly people would think "prostitution." But at least that pays well. You're selling your soul, but at least you're getting paid for it. When you adjunct, you sell your soul and you DON'T get paid well.
Leah: No, no-in prostitution you’re only selling your BODY. In adjuncting you’re selling your SOUL.
Everyone toasting: Cheers! Yay!
Jessica: Yay, water!
Kyle: I'm gonna get a pint of vanilla custard. Any other flavor requests?
Ashley: Blood of my enemies.
Jeremy: They'll call it "Frozen Revenge."
Sally: Revenge *is* a dish best served cold!
Friend: I’m working out-AND I have boobs!
Kyle: Study, prayer, dessert.
Ashley: The most important things in the Christian life.
Jeremy: Maybe not in that order.
Aaron: I thought you meant hard pretzels.
Kyle: No, SOFT pretzels--not hard, dry, soulless things.
Aaron: Pretzel rods aren’t soulless.
Kyle: Pretzel rods only borrow yours.
Kyle: Speaking of cannibalism--Cara, you’re in charge of prayer tonight.
Prof G: *flicks lights* Remember grade school?
Prof M: I have to go to the bathroom.
Grad 1: What kinds of majors are you getting in your students?
Grad 2: Pessimists.
*Ashley keeps pronouncing “penalize” as “peenalize”*
Kyle: I can’t say it without laughing! “Penalize!” *tries hard to keep a straight face*
*long pause*
Kyle: PENIS! …There, now I think I can do it.
Ashley: I LOVE THIS BIBLE STUDY.
Andrea: I’m so hungry I could eat my left hand!
Ashley, looking out the window: Those are some big flakes!
Andrea: I could say the same…
Speaker, on playing video games with his daughter: She said, ‘You just killed the main character!’ ‘I don’t know! She just came at me, man!’
Bradley: I want a REAL book, and hollow it out.
Andrea: That seems so destructive!
Bradley: But it could be like an old math book. I wouldn’t feel bad about that.
Andrea: But it’s supposed to look CLASSY in your library o’ secret things with a turning wall!
Ashley to Michael (Andrea's husband): I will kill you in your sleep.
Andrea: Please don’t. He was very hard to find.
Ashley: I think Lewis is warning us against hyperbole.
Sally: Because hyperbole is THE WORST THING EVER!
Andrea, messaging Priya: I’m going to specify that I need to pick up the COOKING pot.
*we pass the cop who’s always sitting on our road*
Andrea: HI!!
Ashley: You didn’t wave this time.
Andra: No, I had my hands on my pot.
Talitha, reading something from her creative writing class: I bow down before your greatness. Never in my years have I seen prose so beautiful. You put the ancients to shame. I’m unworthy. I have never taken a creative writing class. I am nothing beside you. I am only a rhetorician. I know nothing about language. …This title has a period.
Prof: I’m going to eat pie. And pretend like my students have souls.
Andrea: Avocado just makes ANYTHING better.
Ashley, dreamily: Like Aidan Turner.
Andrea: …Smear avocado on Aidan Turner?
Ashley: There’s an idea…
Dad: I looked over, and neither of my dad’s cars are in the driveway.
Mom: Well, maybe he’s out to dinner.
Dad: Why not? He’s been out to lunch for YEARS.
Mom: I have something up my sleeve! …It’s a carrot.
Clerk: You’ll expire on Christmas Eve!
Me: That sounds ominous.
Sarah: What if you google yourself and what comes up is a story about cocaine and spaghetti and abortion?
Another student: Hypothetically speaking.
Tommy: I’ve seen Godfather I. I didn’t care for it. It’s no Hallmark Christmas.
Jess, on her medic alert bracelet: I got a new one. I was allergic to the old one.
Zach: I thought you said you took your nihilist pills, and I was like, “Nobody cares.”
Adam: Zach! You’re gonna be LIVEJOURNAL FAMOUS!!
Zach: There’s a weird rabbit running around dressed like Flava Flav.
Sue, on “Maleficent”: She’s gonna wake up from her sleep like death and say, “Why does my face hurt?”
Me, on “Maleficent”: I love it-they’re floating him in like a Mylar balloon. Don’t let go of him-he’ll end up on the ceiling and we’ll never get him down!
Andrea: My students aren’t getting their papers back until Friday. A weekend is plenty of time for them to not read my comments and not apply them to their final drafts.
Andrea: And now it’s time for a rousing game of “Where Are My Shoes?”
Mom: *sneezes for the 6th time in a row*
Dad’s disembodied voice from downstairs: Do you need a tissue, or an exorcism?
Mom, reading Facebook: “I got 100%! Can you beat my score?” I *doubt* it!
Me, to the cat: Ozzie, stop stalking my craft projects!
Cat: *cries*
Me: *picks up cat*
Cat: *cries again*
Me: Well, if that wasn’t what you wanted, you should have specified.
Mom: The third-graders made me get-well cards after my car accident. One of them wrote, “I hope the insurance covers everything.”
(on watching the Rachel Ray show)
Mom: It wasn’t too bad!
Dad: She’s so peppy I could slap her.
Jen: ok so on the news they were talking about the guy who killed six people and fled and they found his body yesterday, and the reporter says, "it's believed he died sometime after the murders".
Student: You know what I have to do when I go home? I have to move rocks. My dad wants us to build a stone wall.
Brother: Oh, I enjoy making stone walls. I do that sometimes.
Student: Yeah, but you’re Mr. B-----.
Brother: Yeah, I think I already knew that.
Student: Yeah, a lot of people do. But most of the time they don’t understand quite what it means.
Jess: Sue, I ate some of your oatmeal.
Sue: I have oatmeal?
Ash: Well, not anymore!
Heather, having been followed into the bathroom by the cat: Stop it! Do I tap YOU on the leg while YOU’RE trying to poop??
Ashley writes down a prayer request: New med side effects
Bea: …Lycanthropy?
Alyssa: I was like, there’s an extra baby on that Christmas card. Where did that baby come from?
Forgot it was homecoming weekend. I told my students to have a good weekend, and one of them said, "All my other profs told us not to get arrested."
Me: By the way, anybody in here take Latin?
*one student raises his hand*
Me: Aha. "Cornelia puella est?"
Student: O_O YES!
On today's edition of "Unintentionally Funny Student Paper Quotes": Visual Analysis.
"The colors in this ad are dull, which adds to the whole death vibe they have got going."
Christmas morning. I walk into the corner of the coffee table.
Me: SHIT.
Everybody: O_O
Me: Oh, that was supposed to be festive. REINDEER SHIT!
Mom: Quoteboard.
Grandma: Can I sit with the young people? …Now watch your language.
*on a psychopathic liar at our women’s college who said a Penn State football player had spent the weekend at our dorm*
Ashley: I mean, if you had a Penn State football player there, YOU WOULD SIGN HIM IN. Not because anybody ever bothered to sign guests in-but YOU WOULD SIGN HIM IN!
Heather: Yeah. Because HE MIGHT NEVER COME OUT.
*discussing what peole in earlier ages would think of our clothes*
Ashley: I am the slobbiest person--the slobbiest CROSS-DRESSING person--on earth.