I can't
So.
The last week has been...how do I put this within the realm of non-cliche whilst still remaining within the framework of representativeness re: the fucking roller-coaster it truly HAS been....
....it's been a fucking roller-coaster, alright?
I don't really feel like elaborating. So sue me.
Adjunct (1)::
There is absolutely nothing more difficult than watching something where mutual caring is evident begin to show the signs of implosion simply for the sake of implosion.
I am staving off the hoards of bitterness, and all of you know they usually are the party in power in this head of mine. I can see them kicking up the dust and feel their multitude of pounding footsteps rumbling the ground. I understand the need to be near what's familiar or at least the need to be alone to recalibrate your emotional existence; I am no stranger to such. The problem is that my familiarity relies within that very idea: being alone. I desperately don't want to revert back to my familiar place -- I've been trying to break from it for a decade now. Hand-in-hand with that place is a simple overwhelming lack of any emotions that are not bitterness, fear, and a dirty, sideways jealousy towards all those happy. That place is where I've gotten nothing done, where I've sat stagnant in any growth, where I've gone blind to any kind of third party appreciation towards me.
I fear I'm a metal, and that cavernous locale is a magnet. The inability to pull away is within my very bones. I was surely beginning to enjoy the air out here. The storms that stirred up and burned that very air were terrifying and painful, but at least they were something other than the weight of the air of that deity-forsaken cave.
What I'm trying to say is I'm here, and I want to help. If you don't want my help, then I fear I might go back to where I came from, because I won't know where else to go.
Adjunct (2)::
In the great Karmic book-keeping offices there better be a CPA currently documenting in my account one more night alone with no one to talk to and an absolutely ridiculous amount of love and affection burning my proverbial pockets.
The last week has been...how do I put this within the realm of non-cliche whilst still remaining within the framework of representativeness re: the fucking roller-coaster it truly HAS been....
....it's been a fucking roller-coaster, alright?
I don't really feel like elaborating. So sue me.
Adjunct (1)::
There is absolutely nothing more difficult than watching something where mutual caring is evident begin to show the signs of implosion simply for the sake of implosion.
I am staving off the hoards of bitterness, and all of you know they usually are the party in power in this head of mine. I can see them kicking up the dust and feel their multitude of pounding footsteps rumbling the ground. I understand the need to be near what's familiar or at least the need to be alone to recalibrate your emotional existence; I am no stranger to such. The problem is that my familiarity relies within that very idea: being alone. I desperately don't want to revert back to my familiar place -- I've been trying to break from it for a decade now. Hand-in-hand with that place is a simple overwhelming lack of any emotions that are not bitterness, fear, and a dirty, sideways jealousy towards all those happy. That place is where I've gotten nothing done, where I've sat stagnant in any growth, where I've gone blind to any kind of third party appreciation towards me.
I fear I'm a metal, and that cavernous locale is a magnet. The inability to pull away is within my very bones. I was surely beginning to enjoy the air out here. The storms that stirred up and burned that very air were terrifying and painful, but at least they were something other than the weight of the air of that deity-forsaken cave.
What I'm trying to say is I'm here, and I want to help. If you don't want my help, then I fear I might go back to where I came from, because I won't know where else to go.
Adjunct (2)::
In the great Karmic book-keeping offices there better be a CPA currently documenting in my account one more night alone with no one to talk to and an absolutely ridiculous amount of love and affection burning my proverbial pockets.