(no subject)
Quick, get it out:
Did anyone ever do one of those things where you mixed a crystal solution and placed a piece of tree-trunk-shaped construction paper in it, making the solution travel up the paper and crystallize into a cute little tree?
Yeah, I did...and I distinctly remember how incredibly fragile those pretty little extensions were.
That's the theme for the evening: fragility. I'm quite leveled sometimes at how fragile all the shit around you really, really is, no matter how much to the contrary you may hear. I'm not sure under what conditions the little craft I described above could be seen as anything BUT fragile...but I have this inkling that there are certain aspects of experience that are not only beautiful, but unfathomably strong as well (mountains and landscapes containing such are the paradigm for this example). This leads me to the conclusion that sometime people associate, wrongly, strength with beauty.
....I will clue you into the fact, now, that I have no idea where this is going.
I'm ill about something. I can't really put my finger on it, but I'm ill. I've talked before about my ability for foresight when it comes to social interactions. I cannot help but mentally seek out all the possible outcomes of every one's decisions, and all the rippling consequences that come out of them.
I'll digress because I've found a good metaphor: Holograms are created by splitting a laser beam, having one part of the beam reflect off of an object and on to a piece of holographic film, while the other part of the beam (referred to as the "reference beam") simply strikes the film itself unabated and unchanged. This creates what is called an interference pattern, where afterward a laser (referred to as the "projection beam") simply has to go through the film again to project the holographic image.
I told you this information because it's effective to see my perceptions of all social interactions as just an interference pattern, whereas I'm the projection beam. I can move my intuitive and logical prowess all over the pattern at my will, and see all the projections that come out of that particular place on the pattern. You would think that I would do this willfully, completely coherently, and with a certain emotional detachment, but the truth is that I do it randomly, irrationally, and always pick up on every emotional aspect in reference to myself. I keep a catalog of these reactions, most often, in my head. I conduct tests on myself to see how I would feel about something were it to come to pass.
Jesus....what I'm getting at is I am seeing a whole bunch of outcomes to things right now, and every now and again I'm reminded that a good part of these outcomes are not good, are not happy, and will not end well. Specifics are not necessary.
Surely things are bound to change, and a personal reconciliation with the idea that nothing is permanent but the ideal of impermanence is often times the only bittersweet consolation I can get. Bitter is the operative word. I do pray that I'm wrong; I have a penchant for being negative.
It's simply a sad coincidence, I tell myself, that my foresight has a tendency to become present tense circumstance.
Did anyone ever do one of those things where you mixed a crystal solution and placed a piece of tree-trunk-shaped construction paper in it, making the solution travel up the paper and crystallize into a cute little tree?
Yeah, I did...and I distinctly remember how incredibly fragile those pretty little extensions were.
That's the theme for the evening: fragility. I'm quite leveled sometimes at how fragile all the shit around you really, really is, no matter how much to the contrary you may hear. I'm not sure under what conditions the little craft I described above could be seen as anything BUT fragile...but I have this inkling that there are certain aspects of experience that are not only beautiful, but unfathomably strong as well (mountains and landscapes containing such are the paradigm for this example). This leads me to the conclusion that sometime people associate, wrongly, strength with beauty.
....I will clue you into the fact, now, that I have no idea where this is going.
I'm ill about something. I can't really put my finger on it, but I'm ill. I've talked before about my ability for foresight when it comes to social interactions. I cannot help but mentally seek out all the possible outcomes of every one's decisions, and all the rippling consequences that come out of them.
I'll digress because I've found a good metaphor: Holograms are created by splitting a laser beam, having one part of the beam reflect off of an object and on to a piece of holographic film, while the other part of the beam (referred to as the "reference beam") simply strikes the film itself unabated and unchanged. This creates what is called an interference pattern, where afterward a laser (referred to as the "projection beam") simply has to go through the film again to project the holographic image.
I told you this information because it's effective to see my perceptions of all social interactions as just an interference pattern, whereas I'm the projection beam. I can move my intuitive and logical prowess all over the pattern at my will, and see all the projections that come out of that particular place on the pattern. You would think that I would do this willfully, completely coherently, and with a certain emotional detachment, but the truth is that I do it randomly, irrationally, and always pick up on every emotional aspect in reference to myself. I keep a catalog of these reactions, most often, in my head. I conduct tests on myself to see how I would feel about something were it to come to pass.
Jesus....what I'm getting at is I am seeing a whole bunch of outcomes to things right now, and every now and again I'm reminded that a good part of these outcomes are not good, are not happy, and will not end well. Specifics are not necessary.
Surely things are bound to change, and a personal reconciliation with the idea that nothing is permanent but the ideal of impermanence is often times the only bittersweet consolation I can get. Bitter is the operative word. I do pray that I'm wrong; I have a penchant for being negative.
It's simply a sad coincidence, I tell myself, that my foresight has a tendency to become present tense circumstance.