(no subject)

[artaudnitrate]

ive been feeling sick for awhile. i'm getting really annoyed at it, and I feel like my brain isn't on my side. (sudden emotional attacks, feeling unmotivated, difficulty concentrating etc.) it's like all my energy, physical and otherwise, keeps pouring out of my nose, and i just have this vague idea that it wasn't always like this. like always i'm thinking in terms of things being cut up into smaller pieces (i have been told that this is wrong), and it struck me as worth noting that I was instinctually thinking of myself as consisting of a body and a mind and something else also--what is that other thing i identify with that my body and my mind seem to be attacking? thinking about out of body experiences. and playing games that are about trying to be more than one person. the idea of not being attatched to a body interests me and scares me. it's crazy how what you read will sneak up on you.
i am frustrated because i am not being very productive. by now i know being mad at myself wont do very much good, but i am always so afraid that there will be a point where i permanently stop making things. fear is such a weird motivator. movies too.
I was in upstate ny for christmas now i am in westchester. my phone charger is in brooklyn. there are people i should to try to contact despite this.
No more decorating cookies after christmas; i need another job again.
hip hip hooray is playing with don lennon (and I think indian style?) the day before new years. it should be very special.