On Schoolwork
I've been having a lot of trouble with schoolwork lately.
Not that it's difficult, not that I don't understand, it's that when I sit down to write absolutely anything these days I just want to do anything but. I've been agonizing over working on a project all night and have about 1/2 a page to show for myself. I tried to work on it at school a few days ago, but couldn't bring myself to get anywhere with it.
I'm not sure if it has something to do with the way they're planned out. Maybe it has to do with the fact that any of the projects that have something to do with writing Menus makes me wretch (I hate writing menus). That's probably it, although I think there's a deeper rooted problem that I'm just barely touching on that has something to do with being happy where I am but wishing I was elsewhere and much happier.
Bizarre.
I'm looking forward to Christmas, mostly because I'll be happy to see some of my *ahem* "long lost" friends this year and catch up. I've been trying to figure out what to do after school, and I've yet to figure it out fully. I'm thinking it will have much to do with moving from the island, if nothing more than to connect with myself, as well as perhaps others on a level where I have no real baggage until I feel the need to bring it up. Starting fresh, New Game+ if you will.
On one hand the idea intrigues me, I'm pretty confident in my ability to make friends and create social networks, however the price is leaving those with whom I've already connected behind, to suffer the life of facebook friends or if they're lucky msn buddies or fellow wow-ists. That last one might not even be viable since I'm not sure if I'm going to continue to play wow after this time-card expires. I have said that before, but I think that this is a little different than before.
Hmmm... what else.
I keep meaning to write some shorts, and/or some Shadows of Gaia notes but not really getting to it. I think I might call upon someone for help on that level. It's difficult when your best friend abandons you while refusing to admit that they have, even if it's only for a set period of time. I was forced to yank on strings that I truthfully had no idea would even be connected to anyone anymore and find new people to confide in and trust. Alex was pretty much always there for me (My friend from school, probably the closest thing I had to a best friend for a while now) and recently Violetmay has been there for me, which I've been extremely thankful for. Not to belittle the work that everyone else has done, really and truly even just hearing from most people works miracles on my mood and I'm very appreciative, but in every situation there are people that either understand better or just happen to be far more reassuring than the rest.
So yeah, I've got to leave for school in ten minutes without a project that's due today. I'm pretty sure I'll live, but I imagine it's pretty unimpressive to my instructor. I have a good amount of respect for him, and I really do hate to think I might be faltering or losing his respect.
I should probably start getting real amounts of sleep, even if I'm keeping bizarre hours.
I have my moments, my instances, my pangs if you will of missing Angel but they're much farther and fewer inbetween. I can easily daydream again without picturing her as my companion. I can imagine a future without her for the first time in years, and despite the pain in brings me to think I have to look back on those years and see them as a learning experience and not "fucking wasted" that's coming along as well. I don't think I'll ever actually forgive her, and to an equal degree forgive myself for turning down what she gave me up for.
Some people see Faith as a bad word. I brim with the shit, I have a lot of faith in the people I spend my time with, that when things go sour they won't drop me for the easy route. I don't think I do believe that naturally the human soul is good, I just like to surround myself with those I think are. It makes these times harder and easier at the same time because if one friend bails, the rest are almost always still there for me.
The ten minutes passed a bit ago, I should probably scoot.
Thanks for reading, or at the very least skimming.
*^_^
Not that it's difficult, not that I don't understand, it's that when I sit down to write absolutely anything these days I just want to do anything but. I've been agonizing over working on a project all night and have about 1/2 a page to show for myself. I tried to work on it at school a few days ago, but couldn't bring myself to get anywhere with it.
I'm not sure if it has something to do with the way they're planned out. Maybe it has to do with the fact that any of the projects that have something to do with writing Menus makes me wretch (I hate writing menus). That's probably it, although I think there's a deeper rooted problem that I'm just barely touching on that has something to do with being happy where I am but wishing I was elsewhere and much happier.
Bizarre.
I'm looking forward to Christmas, mostly because I'll be happy to see some of my *ahem* "long lost" friends this year and catch up. I've been trying to figure out what to do after school, and I've yet to figure it out fully. I'm thinking it will have much to do with moving from the island, if nothing more than to connect with myself, as well as perhaps others on a level where I have no real baggage until I feel the need to bring it up. Starting fresh, New Game+ if you will.
On one hand the idea intrigues me, I'm pretty confident in my ability to make friends and create social networks, however the price is leaving those with whom I've already connected behind, to suffer the life of facebook friends or if they're lucky msn buddies or fellow wow-ists. That last one might not even be viable since I'm not sure if I'm going to continue to play wow after this time-card expires. I have said that before, but I think that this is a little different than before.
Hmmm... what else.
I keep meaning to write some shorts, and/or some Shadows of Gaia notes but not really getting to it. I think I might call upon someone for help on that level. It's difficult when your best friend abandons you while refusing to admit that they have, even if it's only for a set period of time. I was forced to yank on strings that I truthfully had no idea would even be connected to anyone anymore and find new people to confide in and trust. Alex was pretty much always there for me (My friend from school, probably the closest thing I had to a best friend for a while now) and recently Violetmay has been there for me, which I've been extremely thankful for. Not to belittle the work that everyone else has done, really and truly even just hearing from most people works miracles on my mood and I'm very appreciative, but in every situation there are people that either understand better or just happen to be far more reassuring than the rest.
So yeah, I've got to leave for school in ten minutes without a project that's due today. I'm pretty sure I'll live, but I imagine it's pretty unimpressive to my instructor. I have a good amount of respect for him, and I really do hate to think I might be faltering or losing his respect.
I should probably start getting real amounts of sleep, even if I'm keeping bizarre hours.
I have my moments, my instances, my pangs if you will of missing Angel but they're much farther and fewer inbetween. I can easily daydream again without picturing her as my companion. I can imagine a future without her for the first time in years, and despite the pain in brings me to think I have to look back on those years and see them as a learning experience and not "fucking wasted" that's coming along as well. I don't think I'll ever actually forgive her, and to an equal degree forgive myself for turning down what she gave me up for.
Some people see Faith as a bad word. I brim with the shit, I have a lot of faith in the people I spend my time with, that when things go sour they won't drop me for the easy route. I don't think I do believe that naturally the human soul is good, I just like to surround myself with those I think are. It makes these times harder and easier at the same time because if one friend bails, the rest are almost always still there for me.
The ten minutes passed a bit ago, I should probably scoot.
Thanks for reading, or at the very least skimming.
*^_^