My new ride
I am the proud new owner of a brand spankin' new 2004 libido! (no, smartass, it's not cherry red. It's candy apple green, if you must know.)
For those of you who don't know me well, this is a new one for me. Well, six years new, anyway. I used to LOVE to fuck before that! But, my old libido left about 6 years ago, and I've only seen glimpses of it since. It's amazing what weaning off of antidepressants will do for one's sex drive. Who knew!
Saw Garden State tonight. Wow. Just...... wow. I was so right on board with the theme of the movie. Of course, in the movie the situational specifics were different than mine are, but the emotions were right on. It was quite an experience. If you haven't seen it, I'd strongly recommend it.
Saw my dad tonight too. It made me smile, and it made me cry. It's going to be soon now. If I had any doubt, I knew after seeing him tonight. It's quite literally like his body is there, but he's not. He's spending most of his time in his travels now ("travelling" has been observed over and over and over in hospice patients like my dad - essentially, he's spiritually transitioning between our reality and the spirit realm; to someone who was unaware of this phenomena, it would look as if he were just spacing out) . Sure he popped back into this reality once or twice while I was there, to check in, but I could tell, you know.....it won't be long now.
It made me smile to see him so at peace. And he's comfortable. No pain. His cough, at least, is not constant. He's ready. He's okay with it all, and I'm so glad he's found that place of peace within himself.
It made me smile to sit next to him and for me to feel at peace with him.
My dad and I had such intensely honest and open conversations last month when I spent the weekend with my parents. By far, they were the most 'real' interactions (the only?) I've ever had with my father. A level of honesty and emotional connection I had never dared dream possible was finally forged between us. We came to understand each other, the life we had shared together, from a perspective neither of us previously had alone. And, he gave me a ---HUGE---- piece of the puzzle of my early childhood, which explained where my feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing for the past 29 years came from (and it was not at all what I had always assumed it to be).
I wish Ty were here so that I could tell him about it, about how some of the things I took from our conversations led into this profound epiphany with my dad. A most heartfelt and sincere thanks to you for that, Tydan, where ever you may be. You have no idea how much of a difference our conversations made with regard to the way I was able to approach my dad, and his willingness to open to me. It was beautiful, and the conversations my dad and I shared that weekend allowed us to both be at peace.
What a gift.