(no subject)
It feels like a sunday evening before a big break not a wednesday afternoon. Everything was deserted, people were getting in cars and talking about presents.
Its clear and cold and the sky is high. The highest I've seen it here and I saw a jet go by for the first time and suddenly felt at home or at least familiar. The sky is usually so low, sullen with clouds quiet and still. So unlike home where we're busy with planes and helicopters (even if they're only traffic ones, occassionally late at night the sekret spy ones set on silent (a joke really) will come whisking by) Or at college, trains at night, people laughing on the street, cars going by, the thrumming of a bass from next door.
I wonder what people see when they look at me. I wonder what I see when I look at them. Its not an esteem thing, I feel fine about myself, its just a lack of connect. We don't have any commonality, me and these random english people in my dorm. I feel a lack, when I try to speak to them. It''s like grasping at glass windows as you fall off a building. Its right there but you can't get to it.
It's not that I'm home sick. I mean I am a little and thats understandable under the circumstances. But I. I'm not enjoying myself. I think I'm lonely. I want to go out to pubs or whatever. hell I'd even go to the big clubs and party but I'm so uncomfortable I want to cry and scream and gut myself.
I want to go see historical things or get lost in small towns or big cities. Just wander around and see what there is to see. But I don't want to do it by myself. I could, I'm not paralyzed by fear, its just I don't see the point to do stuff like that alone. because I wouldn't end up looking at it, I'd get all introspective and mopey. I need people who I know, who know me around to stop me from taking myself so fucking seriously.
And I'm sitting here writing this and crying because I'm fucking pathetic. But I live too much in my own head and just can't bring myself to try and be interested in being uncomfortable.
So I'm just going to sob my rather unattractive little eyes out and get the fuck over myself. I'm here for another 3 months and I'll probably never come back so even if I can't make the most of it, I'll make the best of it.
This little existential crisis was brought to you by the movie Lost in Translation and the last 6 weeks in england.
Its clear and cold and the sky is high. The highest I've seen it here and I saw a jet go by for the first time and suddenly felt at home or at least familiar. The sky is usually so low, sullen with clouds quiet and still. So unlike home where we're busy with planes and helicopters (even if they're only traffic ones, occassionally late at night the sekret spy ones set on silent (a joke really) will come whisking by) Or at college, trains at night, people laughing on the street, cars going by, the thrumming of a bass from next door.
I wonder what people see when they look at me. I wonder what I see when I look at them. Its not an esteem thing, I feel fine about myself, its just a lack of connect. We don't have any commonality, me and these random english people in my dorm. I feel a lack, when I try to speak to them. It''s like grasping at glass windows as you fall off a building. Its right there but you can't get to it.
It's not that I'm home sick. I mean I am a little and thats understandable under the circumstances. But I. I'm not enjoying myself. I think I'm lonely. I want to go out to pubs or whatever. hell I'd even go to the big clubs and party but I'm so uncomfortable I want to cry and scream and gut myself.
I want to go see historical things or get lost in small towns or big cities. Just wander around and see what there is to see. But I don't want to do it by myself. I could, I'm not paralyzed by fear, its just I don't see the point to do stuff like that alone. because I wouldn't end up looking at it, I'd get all introspective and mopey. I need people who I know, who know me around to stop me from taking myself so fucking seriously.
And I'm sitting here writing this and crying because I'm fucking pathetic. But I live too much in my own head and just can't bring myself to try and be interested in being uncomfortable.
So I'm just going to sob my rather unattractive little eyes out and get the fuck over myself. I'm here for another 3 months and I'll probably never come back so even if I can't make the most of it, I'll make the best of it.
This little existential crisis was brought to you by the movie Lost in Translation and the last 6 weeks in england.