(no subject)
Swahili has a word meaning "to hurt someone by inadvertently bumping a sore or wound": -tonesha.
And my other major accomplishment today:
On the one hand, I really love being able to make stuff that I'm sometimes semi-happy with again. On the other hand, I hate the way it consumes my mind and life, making it increasingly difficult to want to interact with people. I hate how I feel like I have to choose between interests: art, language, writing, friends, climbing.... I wish I could do them all at the same time. Or just keep a few as constant (like say, friends?). Or at least in some regular cycle, where it's a matter of days, not months or years before I might come back to something. I hate how each interest keeps breaking into more and more smaller ones, so that "art" is now divided into concentrating on form (get the bloody shapes right) and technique (how do I blend colors with painter?), only the latter of which I'm currently interested in.
It scares me, never knowing when/if I'm going to be able to do anything but what I currently want to do again. And I'm scared to try to focus on something else, because if I get too into it, I'll stop being able to do whatever I'm currently so happy to be enjoying.
And I hate that my dad has the power to unwittingly bring out all this conflict and frustration and feelings of worthlessness with just one sentence. I hate that I'm so fragile that he can.
Ninataka kukunyua. Lakini sitaki kukunyua. Na sitakunyua.
And my other major accomplishment today:
On the one hand, I really love being able to make stuff that I'm sometimes semi-happy with again. On the other hand, I hate the way it consumes my mind and life, making it increasingly difficult to want to interact with people. I hate how I feel like I have to choose between interests: art, language, writing, friends, climbing.... I wish I could do them all at the same time. Or just keep a few as constant (like say, friends?). Or at least in some regular cycle, where it's a matter of days, not months or years before I might come back to something. I hate how each interest keeps breaking into more and more smaller ones, so that "art" is now divided into concentrating on form (get the bloody shapes right) and technique (how do I blend colors with painter?), only the latter of which I'm currently interested in.
It scares me, never knowing when/if I'm going to be able to do anything but what I currently want to do again. And I'm scared to try to focus on something else, because if I get too into it, I'll stop being able to do whatever I'm currently so happy to be enjoying.
And I hate that my dad has the power to unwittingly bring out all this conflict and frustration and feelings of worthlessness with just one sentence. I hate that I'm so fragile that he can.
Ninataka kukunyua. Lakini sitaki kukunyua. Na sitakunyua.